Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
Since last night was Phuza Thursday, I only learned of this sad news this morning when I dragged my Tassenberg-soaked corpse back into bed after taking a hangover-shit at 6am and seeing 10 sms’s from my overseas side-pieces sending me their condolences, like I knew the guy personally. And yes, I have hoes in different area codes – I’m classy like that. Speaking of which, you can imagine how sad I am about Madiba’s passing since, as a white 90’s teen, he was the reason I was allowed to love on black dick in post-1994 South Africa.
WEEP Rainbow Nation, weep your fucking eyes out! Not for his passing (because let’s face it the guy was pretty old and probably sick as fuck about the Papz sticking a Nikon in his face every time he so much as sneezed), but for the tidal wave of sheer fuckery that is going to follow. First of all, the fucking haters are going to take to their Isuzu’s and congregate at the local Stadsaal to strategise (under the guidance of St Steve) about how to survive the Night of the Long Knives. My god! I’m still waiting for the phone call from my granny, warning me about the impending doom the blacks will bring upon us…or maybe she found out about my love of African Python and decided that how I live my life is the way I should die…
Secondly, that clanging you hear is the sound of gold diggers far and wide picking up their shovels and digging like that shit is their J-O-B! The image above is just one such example. You will have shameless whores like Pillsbury Malema taking credit for Madiba’s work and sacrifices left, right and centre. You’ll see international tricks coming out of the woodwork and sending us their condolences like they knew who the fuck Madiba or South Africa was before today (cut to David Cameron signing a book of condolence on BBC News – THE FUCK is a book of condolence??). Lastly, but by no means the least, can you imagine the phonebill MTN is going to send the Mandela family for all those call to the accountant? That shit won’t be Ayoba! The Jacksons better take note! Michael didn’t have no Nobel Peace Prize OR any honorary doctorates…ALL the claws (read: shovels) are coming out, because there is money to be MADE bitch!
Farewell Tata. I’m thankful you don’t have to witness this fucking mess.
I saw White Julius’s tweet shown above and, much to my regret, followed the link to the opinion piece about white privilege on his website. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a tendency to experience deep rage when you read blogs covered in solid chunks of bullshit permeating with delusion and misinformation then steer well clear of this mess.
Whether or not the mangled nature of the facts he cite, in this delicious racism-and-stupidity-cluster, is deliberate or simply the result of prolonged exposure to shitty Afrikaans music I don’t know. What I do know, is that I simply CAN’T with this level of fuckery. Bitch even quotes Marxist theory in his attempt to argue why he should feel proud of his forefathers colonizing Southern Africa. Note that when I say “quote” I actually mean “beat with a blunt object, violently ass-raped and smeared the blood, shit and cum mixture across our computer screens” (Too much? I think not).
This post is just another edition of the Steve-Hofmeyr-Series-Of-Rants-About-How-Whites-Have-Done-So-Much-For-The-Continent-And-Blacks-Have-Done-Nothing-And-Should-Be-Grateful-Rather-Than-Complaining. But on a serious note though, I think we should all collectively thank Good Guy Steve for being nice to a black dude while doing your BDram at Tuks and braving the jocks calling him a “kafferboetiemoffie“. Take down the statue of Madiba in Sandton Square and erect one of St. Steve IMMEDIATELY!
Also, all economics, politics and sociology students in the country can drop out of their courses right now, because Steve will hook you all up. Who needs to pay for a BA PPE when all you need to do is follow St. Steve’s words of wisdom on his website for FREE?! This must be the kind of philanthropy Steve is referring to in his post when he talks about his forefathers building schools, hospitals, churches and universities! Keep up the good work Steve!
Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian
Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live
The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live
Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24
Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live
Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live
Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe
ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24
Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe
Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip
Tumi Lesejan turns Randall Abrahams’s ice-sickle-dick into a warm fleshy boner. – via ZAGossip
And so the vultures start to circle. Have you no fucking shame ya thirsty whores?! – via IOL
The radio hostess with the most-ess wants all of you to spill the tea. For those of you who don’t speak drag, he wants you to #RevealASecret. – via Twitter
Kendrick Lamar’s tour of South Africa has been postponed. In related news: who the fuck is Kendrick Lamar? – via Zalebs
Someone get on the phone to Ripley’s Believe it or Not! A school in rural KZN DOESN’T have a 0% pass-rate! – via Mail & Guardian
popcock: South African artist, Steve Cohen, shows the French the true meaning of ART. – via ZAGossip
Jub Jub shows South Africa that his douchery knows NO limits: Claims he’s contracted TB due to poor care. – via Huisgenoot
Roxy Louw will star in a local production of Disney’s Teen Bitch Movie. – via ZAGossip
The Debora Patta of pop culture once again serves some unsuspecting hoes the read of their lives! – via 2Oceansvibe
#LOL: Bitches are still pissed off about the whole Guptagate “scandal”. – via News24
Stop being such greedy fucking whores! So says Anton Roelofse. – via Fin24
And the Marikana mine saga goes on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooon. – via News24
Looks like South Africa’s mass delusion that changing a street name will make any difference has been upped by a few clicks. PLACE names are changing now and 2Oceansvibe have jumped on the bandwagon. Is no hood safe? – via Twitter
The Mail & Guardian is not asking the right questions. They should be asking a) When did the Hawks get reassembled? and b) Why can’t everyone just fucking leave Madiba alone? – via Twitter
Let it be written! People from far and wide will come to Cape Town only to suffocate to death as hoes on the street whip up dense clouds of coloured powder for them to run through! Verily! – via Facebook
STOP THE PRESSES! Half nose, half authentic Italian Salami, Patrizio Buanne, is on Top Billing tonight! – via Twitter
Hougi and Steyna shows us what they are going to do to each other in the hotel room after the wedding reception. – via Twitter
The Prez confuses the fuck out of everyone by sending the highly cuntested Secrecy Bill back to the National Assembly for redrafting. Why is he suddenly doing actual presidential stuff like exercising a veto?! Suspicious.As.Fuck. – via News24
The SABC is currently a (extra) HOT MESS but it is not their fault. So says the SABC. – via Times Live
19 Activists for proper sanitation in Khayelitsha gets arrested after doing dumb shit that gets you arrested. – via Times Live
The reincarnation of Annie Lennox embraces her spirit animal. – via Twitter
Emo Adams makes thirsty bitches lose all ability to use human language. – via Twitter
How the FUCK is a drunk government official able to dodge police for two hours?? Regardless of how, this shit happened *files under fuckery*. – via Times Live
Haji Mohamed Dawjee throws piping hot shade at the Prez. – via Mail & Guardian
Jay du Plessis celebrates his birthday and Steve Hofmeyr does what he does best…digging in some random “koek”. – via Twitter
The UK cancels SA’s visa-free status and the ANC is working on a cunning plan to ‘get back at them’. Give me fucking strength. – via Times Live
Saying that South African union members need discipline is like saying I need a broad spectrum antibiotic every Monday morning, but Numsa’s general secretary disagrees. – via Times Live
South Africans fail yet another test… this time a test for happiness. Even fucking Kosovo and the Ukraine are happier than us! – via 2Oceansvibe
There is the strong stench of human excrement in the general Sandton area as Traders at the JSE collectively evacuated their bowels at the thought of all kinds of dumb whores now being able to trade shares. – via SA Breaking News
SA Ambassador to the UK, Dr Barend Delport’s, impressive collection of kiddy pussy pics make everyone proud. – via 2Oceansvibe
Everyone at the Toronto Film Festival lost their shit over the film adaptation of Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom. – via Mail & Guardian
The most overrated, underwhelming, overpriced and generally shitty expo will hit Johannesburg again from 26 – 29 September. – via Sexpo
And finally, Juanita du Plessis still hasn’t learned her lesson. – via Twitter