Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
First off I have to say that I quite like Nataniël and I especially enjoy his coy you-might-know-steak-but-I-know-WORS-bitch face in this ad for Checkers.
I like Nataniël because I don’t feel my brain start to liquify at the mere thought of seeing him on TV – as I do with most South African celebrities (read: Juanita du Plessis). However, the article in Die Burger today, about the behind the scenes fuckery at the conjuring of this MESS, made me barf up pieces as big as the rump Gordon Ramsay is manhandling like the rump is still attached to the rentboy. Why, you ask? Well, it’s because the article is written in a way that makes it sound like Nataniël and Ramsay were eye-fucking and air-humping each other from across the room for the full 792 takes of this shit-show of an ad.
I don’t mind subtle innuendo intended for gutter-brained whores like myself, but when it involves this puss-filled ass-pimple I simply CAN’T. I didn’t think the UK could produce anything more vile than their last export to the USA, Simon That-Was-Just-Awful Cowell, but I was wrong! Times must be fucking TOUGH when our Lady of Wors agrees to work with this piece of Scottish trash. Ugh, and the way Die Burger makes it sound like GR was undressing Nataniël with his eyes while Nataniël was teasing GR in Afrikaans just made my stomach turn! Checkers should sue Die Burger’s ass for damages, because after reading this article the LAST thing you are going to think of doing is buy a big piece of meat when you see the ad. #VOM #Vegan.
As the reigning Queen of Boerewors and all things classy, 24 September has been dedicated to honouring our Sovereign for all the elegance, style and deliciousness bestowed upon the nation. Nataniëlmas, or more widely known as Braai Day, is the one day of the year when people across the nation prepare themselves for receiving the bounty that is the vision of His Majesty the Queen of Wors. However, before you may accept the divine gift of the purest elegance and style flowing towards you on Nataniël’s velvety voice, you must purge yourself of anything and EVERYTHING that is not worthy of Him. This is why, from an outside perspective, Heritage Day/Braai Day/Nataniëlmas might appear to be something which could be labeled as an “orgy or zef“. Some photographic evidence of what I mean is shown below:
Hmmmm…nothing quite says PURGE THE EVIL FROM MY BODY like an umbrella that looks like it’s been gang-raped, paper plates, or charring the remains of a dead animal over a rusty old rim. It is believed in South African culture that the burning and consumption of this Braai meat is symbolic of the destruction of The Zef. Some even dress up in clothing that make them look like a complete knob, as shown above, to symbolize The Zef leaving their body and making space for the wisdom of the Wors Queen.
I hope all my fellow South Africans had a wonderful Nataniëlmas and find themselves refreshed and free from The Zef for the coming year. May the style and class always be with you!