Happy 100th To Us!

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Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Jub Jub Is Coughing Up Lies, Not Blood!

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In his latest role, Jub Jub is portraying the character of a terminally ill, misunderstood, poorly-treated-yet-still-productive member of South Africa’s musical elite. I’m not trying to be bitchy (read: I don’t have to try, hoes!), I’m just saying that for someone who is normally serving tight-as-fuck DAYTIME REALNESS this bitch is looking pretty fucking haggard of late. This is not the look! Skin which used to be as smooth and creamy as a chocolate Sterie Stumpie now looks like it’s being doused twice daily with neat Jeyes Fluid! Eyes that used to croon “gurl, I’m gonna be in you..” are now feebly moaning, “gurl, is that weave washable, cos BAAARF!” And the hair. That FUCKING hair!!!

News24 reports that in his third appeal for bail, with the assistance of Evil Incarnate, H. E. LLB: Rudi Krause, Jub Jub is claiming that he has contracted the fastest way to lose blood weight in prison outside getting shanked: TB, and needs to get out of the clink to get special medical care in a facility where someone WON’T try piss in his IV bag. Correctional services, however, is saying that Jubz and Rudi are filling the State’s ears with LIES and that after some tests Joobie and his crisp white hankie (no stains!) have been given a “clean bill of health“.  Hmmm, I wonder where I’ve seen this fuckery before? … Oh yes, Didn’t that slippery motherfucker Schabir Shaik pull this SAME stunt when he needed to get his Get Out Of Jail Free Platinum Card courtesy of the parliament? Didn’t he get paroled because he was “terminally ill” only to be seen later playing a nice round of golf, and not even on the complimentary golf course attached to the luxury hospital he was “bed-ridden” in?

Even if his lawyer, Rudi Krause LLB MBChB, wasn’t pulling this TB crap out of his fart-hole, this still should not contribute to an argument for Joobie’s release on bail. Why? I’ll tell you why. If he really did have TB I’m convinced he would have gotten it from both he and Themba Tshabalala making the evening hours fly past with liberal use of the only supply of lube to be found inside those four thick, thick prison walls: other inmate’s phlegm. Well, at least it’s water-based! This dickwart is that shameless.

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Daily Skid Marks

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Tumi Lesejan turns Randall Abrahams’s ice-sickle-dick into a warm fleshy boner. – via ZAGossip

And so the vultures start to circle. Have you no fucking shame ya thirsty whores?! – via IOL

The radio hostess with the most-ess wants all of you to spill the tea. For those of you who don’t speak drag, he wants you to #RevealASecret. – via Twitter

DEMON OUT: Some church in Limpopo shows us the way, namely that professional psychiatric care ain’t got SHIT on prayer. PRAISE JESUS! – via Times Live

Kendrick Lamar’s tour of South Africa has been postponed. In related news: who the fuck is Kendrick Lamar? – via Zalebs

Someone get on the phone to Ripley’s Believe it or Not! A school in rural KZN DOESN’T have a 0% pass-rate! – via Mail & Guardian

ARTpopcock: South African artist, Steve Cohen, shows the French the true meaning of ART. – via ZAGossip

Jub Jub shows South Africa that his douchery knows NO limits: Claims he’s contracted TB due to poor care. – via Huisgenoot

Roxy Louw will star in a local production of Disney’s Teen Bitch Movie. – via ZAGossip

The Debora Patta of pop culture once again serves some unsuspecting hoes the read of their lives! – via 2Oceansvibe

#LOL: Bitches are still pissed off about the whole Guptagate “scandal”. – via News24

Stop being such greedy fucking whores! So says Anton Roelofse. – via Fin24

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Jub Jub Might Not Serve Out His 25-year Sentence

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If ZA Gossip‘s article is anything to go by (note to ALL of us: with “gossip” in your name, it’s probably not), hip hop artist Molemo “Jub Jub” Maarohanye might stand a chance of squirming his way out of the 25-year sentence he received for mowing down four teenage boys during a alcohol- and drug-fuelled joy ride in 2010. The year 2010 showed the world that we can proudly host a global sporting event like any other country in the world and it also showed the world that our celebrities like to be complete and utter shit-stains on the underwear of the nation…just like in any other country. Global unity! Alert P.J. Powers!

Last year, Jub Jub and his co-accused Themba Tshabalala were found guilty of murder by a Gauteng Magistrate’s Court. Jub Jub showed us that not only does he have a certain affinity for designer corn-rows (hold my hair while I violently puke my guts out), but that he is also an example of making excellent decisions. Jubz and Tshabalala thought it would be a good idea to get high as motherfuckers and then race down a public road in the middle of the goddamn day.  However, for reasons unknown to the rest of us, the South Gauteng High Court has approved his application for the appeal of his murder sentence and he could be out on bail as soon as next week.

Apart from the fact that I’m a dumbass (given I would never be able to obtain a law degree) (OK, maybe I’d be able to get one if I did it through UNISA and split it over 22 years), THIS is why I would never be able to be a lawyer.  If I was representing the State, got a conviction and then later had to hear that some human turd over at the High Court approved an appeal I would lose ALL my shit. That shit is just begging to get shanked! Let’s see what happens during the appeal.  Hopefully Jub Jub gets a gavel up his sphincter and sent back to the big house where he belongs!

 

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