Happy 100th To Us!

100

Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter

In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24

Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe

One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live

E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News

Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:

– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets

– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man

– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock

– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit

Minister Angie Motshekga’s wig, in the category Serving Anne Hathaway Circa 2012 REALNESS

 

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Religious shit stains

…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter

Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa

I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News

With South Africans’ tenancy to blame their own shitty behaviour to demonic possession, I wonder how long it is going to take for this European wave of sheer fucktardery to his us. – via Times Live

 

Social shit stains

No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)

The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News

Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24

 

Educational shit stains

The Gogo of Chucky just can’t seem to get enough of fucking with the country’s education system. – via News24

The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian

The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News

 

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Call PETA! Call Greenpeace!! Call the UN!!! After traumatizing all of Europe Jeannie D has set her sights on the poor defenseless animals of Botswana. – via Twatter

@jennifer_su doing what she does best. #Siphoning #the #fame #from #Blist #celebrities #while #posing #for #twitpics. – via Twatter

As usual, COSATU came up with a revolutionary and awe inspiring idea: Let’s all fuck up traffic in protest against people fucking up traffic. BRILLZ! – via News24

The IEC is actively trying to increase the amount of fucks the country’s youth give about voting. In case you were wondering, the number of current fucks given is not very high. – via Eyewitness News

BREAKING NEWS: The weather in Wales is shit. So shit, that the Millennium Stadium’s roof needs to be closed. How will we cope? – via News24 (Seriously News24? Seriously?!)

The answer to your question is yes. Yes we are very jealous Heat Magazine SA! #lustblackout. – via Heat Magazine SA

The reincarnation of Annie Lennox makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a tampon applicator. – via Twatter

Thanks for the update Rob! Good thing you told us about the shit service at a government department, otherwise we wouldn’t have known. Phew! – via Twatter

So apparently Mother Earth is being made into the environmental equivalent of a bukkake cumslut…and that is bad. – via Mail & Guardian

Oopsie. Looks like Ashanti Mbanga wont be getting to flash her organic 100% recyclable pussy to the Miss Earth International judges in the Philippines after all… :(. – via Times Live

 

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What can make you barf in two languages? Jennifer Su at the #ShineandSkitter gala (read: The Bilingual Barf-Off) in a mess that looks like the bastard offspring of Leeloo’s bandages and something only Cher would wear. – via Twatter

Also strutting his stuff at the Bilingual Barf-Off is “designer” Gert-Johan Coetzee serving MEH realness in all the right places! Wrinkled grey cotton shirt with button holes in the collar – meh! Tiny tinfoil neck-propeller – meh!! Mediocre hair circa 2005 – MEH!!! – via Heat Magazine SA

I am 100% DONE with this fuckery: How does showing up at a formal event in short-shorts and a Miami Vice jacket, or a casual beach dress deserve the title of “fab lady”? How?? – via Heat Magazine SA

A story more unbelievable than accounts of a Tokoloshe harassing the women-folk in their pussy areas every night: A government department capable of managing expenditure and actually spending LESS than they were allowed to. – via IOL

Haji Mohamed Dawjee: Executive level shade thrown at the Prez. I tip my wig to you Haji. – via Mail & Guardian

Paaaaass da dutchie buck on da left hand side: A classic tale about South African politics. – via News24

I am very confused by claims of the poms questioning Pierre Spies. However, not confused enough to properly research it online. – via Twatter

What does the Marikana cluster-fuck from last year and my drinking habit have in common? Neither know when to STOP. This shit is apparently still news. – via News24

It started with pray-the-gay-away, then we had pray-the-tokoloshe-interrupting-my-child’s-studying-away, now it would seem we’ve got pray-the-murder-away. Yey Jesus! – via News24

The saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Not the STATE of this fan’s face, but seeing what Skeletor-looking, Clicks-makeup-wearing, oily-as-fuck MESS Bobbie van Jaarsveld is married to. All the sadz :'(. via – Twatter

Of all the things Africa needs most, ugly, over-priced sports cars are definitely at the top of the list. – via Eye Witness News

 

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Pierre Spies brings about political and social change in Zimbabwe with rugby – which is the ONLY WAY to bring about change. – via Twatter

Thor had a hand in this: All the more reason to visit the Drakensberg. – via Times Live

NUMSA shows all you haters that a trade union is in fact capable of logical thought. – via Fin24

Once again, undeniable proof that no link exists between level of education and people’s tendency to behave like deranged savages.  No link whatsoever. – via News24

When toddlers get offed in Diepsloot, the only rational thing to do is to  break shit down and harass the only people who can legally do something about the situation (DUH). Also, throwing stones at journalists reporting on the tragedy brings about justice (OBVEE. – via Mail & Guardian

Looks like it’s “Stomach In, Chest Out Stomach In, Ingquza Out” in in Mpumalanga. – via Times Live

Joke’s on you Huisgenoot! Someone in market research must have been fasting too long, because demintia must be setting in if they think has got any Muslim readers. – via Twatter

Fuck our lives! Nonhle Thema and Khanyi Mbau has been spared for another year. Is there no end to this torture?? – via Twatter

Oh jesus, oh jesus fucking christ. Can someone please confiscate Steve’s iPhone? I don’t think I can take any more of this misinformed pseudo-intellectual fuckery. – via Twatter

 

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The rapper formally known as AKA (formally known as the stupidist stage name in Africa) arrived somewhere. So says a massively useless tweet by Heat SA. – via Twatter

Fucking greedy bitch, Premier Thandi Modise, wont share the D! – via Mail & Guardian

Kunt Darren (no, not Darren Scott), released a new form of human torture music video today. Get the bleach for your eyeballs and screwdrivers for your eardrums ready if you decide to watch this shit. – via Youtube

Bobby van Jaarsveld is being all hipster and shit by listening to actual CD’s in his car. #HipsterForJesus. – via Twatter

Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss spotted holidaying in a KZN caravan park. – via News24

If you like stick figures, desperately trying to fish for plankton to stay alive, being photographed in swimwear designed for plankton-sized organisms, then check out the Bridgestone Swimsuit shoot. – via 2Oceansvibe

BAAAAAARF! Next time you have a party in your nose-holes, just mind the toe-jam. – via News24

It’s always so nice to see a new and fresh news story come across your desk.  Well, today is not the day because this e-toll bullshit is STILL dragging on in classic ANC fashion. – via Fin24

Jar Jar Binks (aka Naledi Pandor) says “White Widow”, Samantha Lewthwaite, used a fraudulently acquired South African passport to gain access to Kenya…but no one here could give two fucks about officially taking this matter up with the Kenyan government. Classy. – via Mail & Guardian

Poor Julius who had his land, his very own land, taken away from him just wants his own land back – peacefully and forcefully. – via News24

Political analyst Richard Calland find the perfect euphemism for “complete dipshit”. – via Mail & Guardian

My teachers never tossed my salad…now I just feel rejected. – via News24

Four Corners entered into the running for the 2014 Academy Awards, so all the foreigners can see how horrible it is to grow up in South Africa. – via 2Oceansvibe

 

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