Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
I saw White Julius’s tweet shown above and, much to my regret, followed the link to the opinion piece about white privilege on his website. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a tendency to experience deep rage when you read blogs covered in solid chunks of bullshit permeating with delusion and misinformation then steer well clear of this mess.
Whether or not the mangled nature of the facts he cite, in this delicious racism-and-stupidity-cluster, is deliberate or simply the result of prolonged exposure to shitty Afrikaans music I don’t know. What I do know, is that I simply CAN’T with this level of fuckery. Bitch even quotes Marxist theory in his attempt to argue why he should feel proud of his forefathers colonizing Southern Africa. Note that when I say “quote” I actually mean “beat with a blunt object, violently ass-raped and smeared the blood, shit and cum mixture across our computer screens” (Too much? I think not).
This post is just another edition of the Steve-Hofmeyr-Series-Of-Rants-About-How-Whites-Have-Done-So-Much-For-The-Continent-And-Blacks-Have-Done-Nothing-And-Should-Be-Grateful-Rather-Than-Complaining. But on a serious note though, I think we should all collectively thank Good Guy Steve for being nice to a black dude while doing your BDram at Tuks and braving the jocks calling him a “kafferboetiemoffie“. Take down the statue of Madiba in Sandton Square and erect one of St. Steve IMMEDIATELY!
Also, all economics, politics and sociology students in the country can drop out of their courses right now, because Steve will hook you all up. Who needs to pay for a BA PPE when all you need to do is follow St. Steve’s words of wisdom on his website for FREE?! This must be the kind of philanthropy Steve is referring to in his post when he talks about his forefathers building schools, hospitals, churches and universities! Keep up the good work Steve!
Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter
THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24
Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live
SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24
Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking. I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence. I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld
Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24
Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live
Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press
ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip
Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian
By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24
In the dirty-jam-rag-red corner we have the EFF-off Freedom Fighters. In the balloon-red corner we have a group of white bitches who are scared stupid. Both groups are actively competing for the title of Most Self-Entitled Whores In The Nation. It’s too early to tell who will win, but I can say that at this stage it is pretty neck and neck. In case you have been oblivious to this epic clash of the brainless up till now, let me just quickly summarise.
The EFF-off Freedom Fighters, under leadership of Pillsbury Malema, is saying:
The EFF is not a racist organisation, but white people must learn to share…
Crazy white bitches, under patronage of Steve Hofmeyr (white Julius), are saying:
They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!
Two issues need to be pointed out here. Firstly, if both Julius and white-Julius could just stop pretending that they are “one of the people” that would be great. Secondly, everyone need to realize that all of this anger and frustration permeating from, arguably the most annoying human beings on the African continent (second to Nonhle Thema of course), is obviously the result of being separated at birth and being denied a childhood together. If someone separated me from my fraternal twin I would be pissed off as well. Therefore, anyone who supports them in their respective absurd self-entitled endeavors are inadvertently enabling psychologically self-destructive behaviour – shame on you. Let’s all rather go home, have a cup of tea, calm the fuck down, and let Julius and Steve work this out amongst themselves like brothers should.
Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian
Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live
The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live
Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24
Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live
Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live
Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe
ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24
Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe
Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip
While the heiress to the Cyrus fortune (note: the Cyrus fortune consists of a mullet wig, a Confederate flag tank top and a season ticket to NASCAR) was putting a supreme seafood platter (paging King Kenny!) on display (pictured above) across the pond at the VMA’s last night, South Africans were FAR more concerned with the doings of so-called Sushi King Kenny Kunene. We really need to start paying more attention to what’s going on in the world around us. Ignoring international news like this leads to war! Ask George W. Bush Junior!
So according to IOL (aka, the crawl space under the house where news goes to die), the fishy, sticky-fingered, aroma of the Sushi King has received attention (much more than Ms Cyrus got), because he has apparently given JuJu’s latest cry for attention – the EFF – a letter in his own handwriting saying BYYEEEE! Like everyone else, Kenneth Kunene has also jumped on the bandwagon telling the Prez he’s shitty shit shit. The bandwagon stopped at the EFF-off Freedom Fighters HQ when he was still on board, and now he’s HASTA! What happened? Maybe the sushi there wasn’t up to his standards (read: Miley Cyrus didn’t do a live performance in their offices) because now he’s left the building and hoes are talking all kinds of shit about “looking forward to working with him in the future“, which is politician speak for “You ain’t shit bitch! Good riddance! Eat a dick and die!“. Poor JuJu. I hope his stained maxi-pad can still absorb the tears he is crying after loosing his favourite fishy fat cat’s financial backing…
Pictured above is Commander in Queef of the E.F.F. (or Everyone-else’s Freedom Fuckers, South Africa’s newest political gang bang), Pillsbury Malema, assuming his well-practiced Oh-Lawd-Won’t-You-Buy-Me-A-Mercedes-Benz posture. According to eNews in South Africa, the Pedi people’s proudest son is currently in Nigeria to see controversial prophet and spiritual healer TB Joshua and receive blessings all over his face – just like when, as a boy, I used to seek out the wisdom of a man of the Church! eNews also report that Malema did not elaborate on what exact counsel he is seeking from prophet TB Lung, but that he did mention wanting to emulate humanitarian- and United Nations Man of the Year Robert Mugabe in this visit. The reason your internet is so slow today is because every South African who is not a supporter of the EFF-off Freedom Fighters is on the internet booking a one-way flight to Australia.
It kind of makes sense for someone like Pillsbury Malema to visit someone like TB Lung for counsel on “political decisions”. By political decisions I mean decisions that affect no one else but the “delegation” he is supposedly in Nigeria with. No one gives a fuck about what he has to say, which was made clear when he got KICKEDTHEFUCKOUT of the ANC by the ANC. I can already tell you exactly what will be said at this meeting of the continent’s greatest assholes: Gays = bad, whites = bad, gay whites = haw wena! Neither Comrade Juju or Prophet Joshua is full of shit, because the word of ON HIGH is the opposite of shitty, and anyone who tells you otherwise = bad. Can you imagine the amount of loud smoke mutually being blown up these two buttholes at this meeting? However, if nothing else, I hope TB Lung tells Juju to stop wearing that stained maxi pad on his head. Doesn’t he know? Stained pads on your head are counter-revolutionary.