AGANG-DA Scissor Fest CANCELLED

SCISSOR

I know this is utterly juvenile, but does the picture above remind anyone else of this scene from South Park? I don’t know at what stage of the will-they-wont-they dance of seduction this photo was taken (google images does not have a “show only pre-/post-scissor images” function). If I had to guess, this was taken before Ma Zille was lashing out at Ma Ramphele (‘s pussay, because kissing after munching on a glycerined vag is unsanitary and just not ladylike).

If, like me, you’ve been using your bandwidth solely for Grindr purposes these past few months then this image wont make ANY fucking sense.  This image makes no sense, so allow me to explain.  A few months back, these two ladies sealed a deal with a lipsmack (I’m not saying which lips got smacked, because I’m fucking classy), which would mean a party coalition between AGANG SA and the DA for the upcoming elections in May 2014.

As one would expect, party members and political commentators were unable to discuss this coalition without the discourse being laced with the stench of racial divide. Critics seemed to care more about Helen Zille being white than the fact that she was actually an active fighter against Apartheid. SIGH. Whether mounting pressures from all angles resulted in the eventual split, we’ll probably never know. What we do know, however, is that the power pair in pants suits is now 100% DONE with each other.

I think this is a fucking travesty.  Announcing Ramphele as presidential candidate actually gave the DA a fighting chance against those thieving bastards who call themselves the ANC. DOUBLE SIGH. I need to go funnel a bottle of Tas now.

 

[Disclaimer]

 

Advertisements

Say What You Will About The ANC, But Bitches DELIVER!

20140114-112211.jpg
As the express train of pure fuckery, more widely known as the 2014 general elections, accelerates towards us at 9,81m/s2 political parties are making sure they secure your vote. As it is generally accepted self-whorring practice to make various empty promises, some parties are seemingly going against the grain by actually delivering on said promises! Ahawu!

From the nondescript image of a newspaper article tweeted by recently hulked-the-fuck-out radio beefcake Gareth Cliff (@GarethCliff), it would seem like the the Prez is showing us he is the HBIC by putting his (stolen tax) money where his (man-whore) mouth is. Creating opportunities for ladies of the night (naai-t) to peddle their wares is what democracy is all about! Keep up the good work ANC and keep making dem coins hunties!

PS, I would like to see Helen and Patricia to spearhead the opening of a couple new gay saunas across the nation in response to this!

 

[Disclaimer]


The Prez Drags Our Lord And Saviour Into The MESS That Is South African Politics

Remember when I told you a while ago to brace yourselves for the fuckery the 2014 general election was going to bring? Well shit just got real! The Mail & Guardian reports that Jacob Zuma has gone from enabling the crucifixion of our justice system (shown above by Zapiro), to apparently dragging our Lord Jesus crucified and holy into his MESS.

If this blog seems to be written by an incoherent drunk, it is because the M&G article is full of so much fucking bullshit presented as if it is nothing out of the ordinary, that my head is spinning…or maybe it’s from those horse tranquilizers I just snorted in celebration of 100 posts…nope, it’s from this bullshit.  First of all, those shameless whores at M&G mangled and butchered The Prez’s original quote about “running the government forever” into a title which is much more eye-catching, i.e., double-fisting the word Jesus into it. Then, there is this sentence in this complete attention-whore of an article:

Repeated corruption scandals, increasing crime levels, poverty, high unemployment levels and internal bickering are hurting the ANC’s popularity.

Hurting? HURTING?! The level of fuckery bitches in the ANC have shown to be capable of, should have done nothing less than destroy the party completely. The NERVE to then go “door to door” on an election campaign! This motherfucker should all enter RuPauls’ Drag Race, because he clearly all posses charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (as is required for entry):

C  harisma – Getting dumb hoes to listen to them even though everything falling out of their talking holes are filthy, STD-ridden LIES!

U  niqueness – Show me other “democratic” politicians who OPENLY practice polygamy, have been TO COURT for rape, has OPENLY admitted to gay bashing and who has been REPEATEDLY been accused of some kind of corruption.

N  erve – The NERVE to show your fucking face in public and ask for votes after all your messes.

T   alent – Incomparable talent for lying, stealing, cheating, beating, etc.

Yes, The Prez sure has the C-U-N-T he needs to get re-elected! Finally, this MESS of an article mentions that NUMSA has announced that it will not be backing the ANC in the coming elections. Dafuq? I don’t know too much about politics (or anything for that matter), but where do unions fit in? Aren’t unions supposed to be concerned with representing workers? Why would a trade union feel the need to openly back a political party…or announce that the won’t, in this case? SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO LITTLE ANSWERS!

So between the blatant whorring on M&G’s part, The Prez’s C-U-N-T and this NUMSA business I feel like I need a lie down…next to a bucket!

 

[Disclaimer]


Finally, Some Real Insight Into Poor Exam Results

ANGIE

The only thing that happens to me when I think about South African politics, is that it makes me consider taking up religion again. I imagine only some form of higher power has the capacity to fix the executive level fuckery the Prez and his band of fucktards has wet-queefed all over the nation. At first glance I thought Basic Education Minister, Angie Motshekga, felt the same…but no. Brace yourself, this amount of weapons grade stupidity is not for the faint at heart.

I thought I’ve heard it all when bitches started promoting “pray the gay away” retreats for their cock-hungry sons and poon-starved daughters…once again, no.  City Press reports that Holy Mother Angie Motshekga has asked Mpumalanga residents to pray for their children writing matric exams to be delivered from evil spirits.  A bit of an odd statement, considering she looks like a concept sketch for The Gogo of Chucky.

That’s right parents.  Fuck striking teachers! Fuck poorly managed government funding!!  Fuck teachers who can’t even pass the national exam of the subject they teach!!!  Fuck all of this, because we now know the real reason all provincial matric pass rates, apart from that of the Western Cape, need as much work as there is needed on Angie Motshekga’s face! Demons! Wyk Satan!! Suka Tokoloshe!!!

Also, Ms Motshekga would be well advised to spend some time engaged in early detection rather than fraternise with the likes of Micah ­Nthali from the Moral-regeneration movement (what the entire FUCK is a “moral-regeneration movement”??).  I know some people get wet in their sex-bits at the sight of a beauty spot, but that shit hanging off her forehead is about as beautiful as a shit-covered prolapse hanging out of a hairy butthole.  GURL, you know you are getting photographed, FIX YOUR SHIT!

 

[Disclaimer]


The Entitlement Games Are Off To A Great Start, But Maybe We Should Postpone

Separated at Birth

In the dirty-jam-rag-red corner we have the EFF-off Freedom Fighters.  In the balloon-red corner we have a group of white bitches who are scared stupid. Both groups are actively competing for the title of Most Self-Entitled Whores In The Nation.  It’s too early to tell who will win, but I can say that at this stage it is pretty neck and neck.  In case you have been oblivious to this epic clash of the brainless up till now, let me just quickly summarise.

The EFF-off Freedom Fighters, under leadership of Pillsbury Malema, is saying:

The EFF is not a racist organisation, but white people must learn to share…

Crazy white bitches, under patronage of Steve Hofmeyr (white Julius), are saying:

They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!

Two issues need to be pointed out here. Firstly, if both Julius and white-Julius could just stop pretending that they are “one of the people” that would be great.  Secondly, everyone need to realize that all of this anger and frustration permeating from, arguably the most annoying human beings on the African continent (second to Nonhle Thema of course), is obviously the result of being separated at birth and being denied a childhood together.  If someone separated me from my fraternal twin I would be pissed off as well.  Therefore, anyone who supports them in their respective absurd self-entitled endeavors are inadvertently enabling psychologically self-destructive behaviour – shame on you.  Let’s all rather go home, have a cup of tea, calm the fuck down, and let Julius and Steve work this out amongst themselves like brothers should.

 

[Disclaimer]


The Political Fuckery Is Steadily Reaching Terminal Velocity

zille side eye

After you’ve taken a moment to appreciate the supreme side-eye Zillz is throwing at the Prez, I hate to be the one who says “I told you so” (read: I fucking LOVE IT), but… I told you so.  As we slowly approach the due date for Celebrity Death Match: Mzansi Edition (aka the presidential election), South African politicians are grasping at every piece of skidmark-stained undies in an attempt to discredit each other. In the red corner we have distinguished wife collector, and current President, Jacob Zuma. In the blue corner we have the face of Foschini’s pants-suit department, and DA leader, Helen Zille. These two ho’s have been at each others’ throats like two Gugulethu mongrels since the word no (NOT a typo, because “NO” is the only word I associate with South African politics). According to News24, the latest in a continuous line of wet-queefs in each others’ direction is the DA insisting that the National Prosecuting Authority release alleged sex tapes spy tapes to them. Apparently these spy tapes have got some dish on why the fraud and corruption charges against Jacob Zuma got dropped, quicker than a High School girlfriend during Varsity RAG week, back in 2009.

I really hope the NPA does hand over these tapes to the DA and I also hope those whores share the dirt with the rest of us.  We haven’t had a good scandal since Robbie Klay appeared on national television with a mullet claiming that Jurie Els (who doesn’t have a pedo-face AT ALL) touched his no-place. Also, there better be some good shit on those tapes or I’m going to be pissed! If it turns out those “spy tapes” are just recordings of Zuma’s sister wives having a bukkake party with the neighbours I am going to have a BITCH FIT!

 

[Disclaimer]


Brace Yourself, Intense Fuckery Is Coming

mamphela ramphele

Looks like South Africa’s election silly season is starting early this time around, so prepare yourself for some top class political fuckery Mzansi! The South African general election is set for mid-2014 and newbie party Agang’s leader Dr Mamphela Ramphele (the gogo with the exquisitely glycerined hair pictured above), (who holds a doctorate in throwing shade at sluts) got the ball rolling by telling the world that she can pay her own bills bills bills and definitely don’t want no scrubs! 2Oceansvibe reports that Dr Ramphele has released a statement outlining her financial net worth and annual income. Subsequent to the statement about her personal financial situation Ramphele had this to say to our dearest Prez:

“I call on President Zuma to disclose his finances immediately. What is there to hide?”

While everyone is busy picking at every single ANC fuck up since 1994 (note: there are A LOT) like the infected scab on our country that they are, I’m more concerned with what Ma Zille has up her exquisite Foschini pants-suit loose cuff. My vote is, and always has been, for the lady who has not a single fuck to give about everyone else’s bullshit.  I know it’s beneath her, but I NEED to see her do a big ass Democratic Alliance rally and perform this song about the ANC while Patricia de Lille twerks behind her:

 

[Disclaimer]