Its a new year and I am still in no danger of being dethroned as Most Useless Fucking Blogger On The Internet. Weeks will go by without so much as a Skid Mark and I do not see this situation changing in the near future – DEAL with it! However, today I have managed to scrape my carcass out of bed in order for me to once again scrape the bottom of the tattered and busted-ass barrel that is South African celebrity, to bring you this week’s TWR. You’re welcome.
This week we have athletic type, Mark Fish (aka Mahk Feesh), as our special case for condolences. I remember violently fapping to a GQ Magazine spread with Mark and Lucas Radebe at age 16 like it was yesterday. Dressed in Markham suits and designer shades, bitches were looking fancy as FUCK posing with tricks in swimsuits next to a outdoor pool. Sadly, these days Mr Fish is putting the EESH in Feesh, with a busted-ass face and what looks like prison tats…I didn’t know he did time in the Big House?? Mark went from looking like THIS:
…to looking like THIS:
…probably because he was doing too much of THIS:
That skin! That grill!! What a goddam shame!!! Imagine the sensation of his soul patch tickling your taint while you teabag him. BLISS! Unfortunately for all you thirsty bitches, he is too concerned with la revolucion (see the Guevara arm tat) and Uniting Against Malaria, to give any fucks about what he looks like. What this bitch needs to unite against is the sun’s UV rays and backstreet tattoo artists! Let Mark’s story be a cautionary tale about priorities children! Fuck the Malaria and keep count of the melanin!
In the spirit of
christmas getting AIDS from fucking black dudes in Africa, I would like to take you back almost two years, to when the infamous parody poster (pictured above) made its appearance on the interwebs. This parody poster features a gorgeous otter serving piping hot FACE next to a thirsty-as-fuck chlora, with the slogan “DASO: In OUR future, you wouldn’t look twice“. This was created in response to the original poster by DASO of a white man embracing a black woman:
Since most South Africans are basic bitches, a lot of tricks lost their shit over the poster and smeared their misinformed hate all over it every chance they got. According to mambaonline, some of the shade thrown included the African Christian Democratic Party accusing it of “promoting sexual immorality” and also suggesting that “it would lead to an increase in farm murders“. I can only IMAGINE what the African Christian DERP Party had to say about the gay adaptation…
Unfortunately I’m the laziest blogger on the internet, so I did not find the names of the tricks in the poster in the 5 minutes I spent looking for it. If you know who they are, put it in the comments so we can collectively cyberstalk their asses!
I should really rename this segment to “Tricks Who Used To Be Hot A Few Decades Ago, But Of Which There Are Currently No Photos Of Said Hotness”, because goddam it is hard to find pics of these whores from the days before they looked like they’ve spent the most of their time since the late 90’s exploring tik-dens across the nation. The image above will have to suffice as a jump-start for your filthy minds to remember cute cub Matthew Stewardson.
This scrumptious piece of boy-next-door meat with just the right amount of chunk was the only reason I watched SA Idol. Sadly, his nose and his mouth started a competition about who can hoover in the most shit, which resulted in him going from the picture above, to the ones below:
Yup. Bitch got greedy and became bloated and fugly. A regular Rainbow Nation Elvis. In December of 2010, at the age of 36, Matthew died of natural causes in. Apparently he met his end due to a heart attack or stroke he suffered while learning how to surf in Jeffreys Bay. I, however, contend that this was suicide. Come on, lets cut the bullshit. Someone of this particular physique has NO business doing any sport, let alone sport at sea. He probably though “Ah fuckit, I’m about 100% done with this shit” and paddled himself to his own demise.
This is all very sad really, and should serve as cautionary tale to any other hookers out there contemplating taking up a tik-bulb – leave that shit to the professionals! A career which started with K-TV and included work with international presenters like MTV UK’s Sami Sabiti, can go to shit real quick when you’re spending your days oscillating between a toke from your bulb and a bite from your Big Mac!
Rest in peace my cute cub. At least I will always have early-2000-Matthew in my spank bank…
Oh Steve. What HAPPENED to you? One of my earliest memories of Steve is of him on stage at some day-time music festival where he asked the crowd: “Wie se ouers wou nie hê hul moes kom nie want Steve Hofmeyr is ‘n moffie?! (Who’s parents didn’t want them to come because Steve Hofmeyr is a fag?!)”. The worst part about this is not that he actually said this on stage, but that it was true. Saying what came to mind, playing the bad guy on screen and making “alternative” music, Steve was the symbol of sticking it to the man, which obviously led to conservatives like my parents calling him all kinds of names such as “fag” (which was mainly because of his long hair).
Please do not misinterpret the inclusion of Steve into the Siesa Hall of Remembrance as evidence of my desire to at some point yearn for him to play me like a Spanish guitar. No. HELL to the no! I simply find it fitting to pay my respects to the person and symbol he used to be in our country. The utter irony of him literally becoming the closed-minded conservative old cunt he used to be the antithesis of is too much for my tik-stunned brain to handle. I am still somewhat convinced I hallucinated the most of the Red October bullshit from last week where he attempted to turn legitimate tragedies such as recent farm murders into fuel for a right-wing racist agenda. Jesus. DAFUQ dude?!
You know what? I think everything started going wrong when he married that trick from Egoli. He was a free peen that should not have been tamed. See what happens when you try to tame wild peen? It starts fucking everything that walks and instead of fucking YOUR brains our, he starts fucking his OWN brains out. With every extra-marital affair and with every illegitimate child he loses part of his sanity until we have the MESS we see today.
Let the life of Steve be a cautionary tale to all you hoes out there. DON’T try to keep a peen tied down. The consequences could be dire!
Posing like the precious YO-TV presenting cherub that he
is was, next to Julius Malema in his best Sunday-drag, is busy busy busy actor, singer and record producer Sipho Ngwenya – also known as Psyfo (If your brain just started to bleed, don’t worry mine did they same when I read that fucking stupid nickname. It will stop bleeding in a few minutes). Can someone please tell me why the LAZY photographer didn’t bother to tell Psyfo (oooooh god my brain!) to put his hardworking hands over this trick’s shoulder or even did some post-shoot Photoshopping?? Bitch is obviously using the cheapest fucking Mum roll-on, because her pit-bulge looks like the ashiest pusslips I’ve seen in forever! Put that shit away! But I digress… Let’s see what the busiest celebrity in South Africa looks like nowadays:
EEEK YIZA YIZA TOKOLOSHE! This is what happens when you move from in front of the camera to behind it, or into a recording studio. Shit gets MESSY! Also, I’d probably also look like this is I was doing all the work he’s doing (read: I DO look like this and I don’t do as much work). The reason I say Psyfo (ooooh fuck, there goes the frontal lobe!) is a busy busy busy busy boy, is because his biography reads like he’s been working since he was a fetus! Bitch has presented and sang on Kideo Pops, presented on SABC1’s YO-TV and Wildroom, produced and presented his own show Hype, produced Sandra of ‘n Drafstap (BAAAAAARF) and starred in the SABC1 shit show Generations. Psyfo (uuuuughh, DEAD…now my corpse is typing by way of rigor mortis) also has his own record label which produces acts such as Mandoza, Lebo Mathosa and Jamali.
His most recent project was joining Mzansi Magic’s drama series Rockville, which I haven’t watched but I assume that he’s SMOKING the Rocks in the show by the look of things. Here are some more pictures of him posing with hoes before he decided to let himself GO:
Since I was unable to process human language on Saturday due to my soul-crushing hangover after a night out with my squirrelfriends, I did not post a Knopkierie and for that I am terribly sorry (read: sorry, not sorry). To make up for this, I decided to give you all an extra special Today We Remember this Monday. Usually TWR is an ode to what some South African celebrity type used to look like, which is NEVER what they look like today. However, today I give you the cute little mullet-sporting munchkin pictured above. Isn’t he just too precious (not in a NAMBLA kind of way though)?? Well, if you think this singing cherub was cute in the 90’s, then hold on to your panties ladies, because Robbie 2.0 was a definite UPGRADE:
I kind of feel awkward referring to Robbie in a sexual context given the sexual molestation scandal between him and Jurie Els which ended in 2010. However, a) I am the same age as Robbie, b) Els was found not guilty and c) given the photo above Robbie himself obviously has no problem with being hyper-sexualised, so I suppose it’s open season on whacking off to pictures of him now that he is of legal age.
I know that he is supposed to be a singer, but I can honestly say I have not heard him belt out a note since his balls dropped (Puberty! Not his balls dropping into Jurie Els’s mouth you dirty fucks!). This is maybe a good thing, because listening to him sing would just confuse the FUCK out of my basic-ass brain as it looks like he belongs on a wrestling team, rather than a fucking stage!
Klay is my kind of celebrity – buff as a motherfucker and chock-full of SCANDAL. Apart from the fuckery he had going with Jurie Els, he also a) became a father at 16 and then proceeded to b) put some more of his baby-gravy in a 16-year-old at age 24 c) while he was engaged to actress-model-type Laetitia Bouwer. Pure class!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and slobber over these pictures while I wait for the next scandalous story to be tweeted:
Giving us early-90s-REALNESS above, is the younger version of ex-MNet continuity presenter, Marius Roberts. Although still quite pleasant to look at, this is not the photo of him I wanted to use as the main image. If your family purchased some of the more mainstream South African Sunday newspapers in the late 90s then you might recall an advert with Marius in nothing but his tighty-whities with his finger coyly on a water fountain (OBVIOUSLY) symbolizing all of our pussies erupting at the sight of his furry toned body! Sadly, I could not find this image anywhere on the internet. If you have it, please send it to me so I can bust one out for old time’s sake! If you were wondering, this is what Marius looks like today:
My god! Poor Marius. It’s like it’s him, but not him. This looks like his identical twin who was given up for adoption to a family who who only fed their kids mieliepap and had no appreciation for skin-, hair-, or dental care. It looks like they tracked him down (the twin), put him in the cheapest Marham suit and just started taking photos haphazardly! Yes, NO hair and makeup or one single sit-up was done before this shoot! NOT ONE!
According to Who’s Who: SA he is still working as a model for a Japanese modelling agency…oh well, maybe the Japanese are into this kind of thing…god knows it wont be the freakiest thing they’re into (although cranking it to THIS is pretty freaky). If you would like to close your eyes, imagine him 10-20 years ago and listen to his cute lisp, then you can do so by tuning in to Ignition GT on DStv. Or you could put that mess on in the background while you state at these (sadly, no shirtless ones: