Happy 100th To Us!

100

Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter

In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24

Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe

One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live

E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News

Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:

– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets

– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man

– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock

– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit

Minister Angie Motshekga’s wig, in the category Serving Anne Hathaway Circa 2012 REALNESS

 

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How Much Do We Care About Ream-me Short When He Doesn’t Have His Silky Smooth Pre-Cock Out?

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The answer to the question posed to you above is “zero“. Nul, unothing, lutó, FUCK ALL! And if you are wondering what a pre-cock is, well that is the part of the stomach that is so tightly toned that it forms two diagonal lines that lead right to a gentleman’s fuck-part. For educational purposes, the pre-cock looks like this:

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Keeping with the theme of redundant social practices, the picture of Veet For Men spokesperson above was taken at the 2013 Mr South Africa pageant (sidenote: alwauys remember the crucial hashtags when posting whateverthefuck on Instagram, namely #classy #cool #swagger).  Why is this even a thing? Are companies actually sponsoring this mess? You know an even is ghetto as FUCK when the main sponsor has their landline number ON the actual backdrop used by the press. Oh wait, I forgot, we are actually supporting this…oops. Well, carry on then. I just hope that Ream-me doesn’t cause too much of a disruption, because you know with his torso covered up in a black suit (and him being as tall as an Oompa Loompa) bitches are going to be tripping over him all fucking night. Best get your shirt off or wear some reflective tape around your head Reamz! xx

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Emo Adams makes thirsty bitches lose all ability to use human language. – via Twitter

How the FUCK is a drunk government official able to dodge police for two hours?? Regardless of how, this shit happened *files under fuckery*. – via Times Live

Haji Mohamed Dawjee throws piping hot shade at the Prez. – via Mail & Guardian

Jay du Plessis celebrates his birthday and Steve Hofmeyr does what he does best…digging in some random “koek”. – via Twitter

The UK cancels SA’s visa-free status and the ANC is working on a cunning plan to ‘get back at them’. Give me fucking strength. – via Times Live

Saying that South African union members need discipline is like saying I need a broad spectrum antibiotic every Monday morning, but Numsa’s general secretary disagrees. – via Times Live

South Africans fail yet another test… this time a test for happiness. Even fucking Kosovo and the Ukraine are happier than us! – via 2Oceansvibe

There is the strong stench of human excrement in the general Sandton area as Traders at the JSE collectively evacuated their bowels at the thought of all kinds of dumb whores now being able to trade shares. – via SA Breaking News

SA Ambassador to the UK, Dr Barend Delport’s, impressive collection of kiddy pussy pics make everyone proud. – via 2Oceansvibe

If Veet SA is unveiling their new spokesperson, WHERE is Dr Ream-me Short?? – via Twitter

Everyone at the Toronto Film Festival lost their shit over the film adaptation of Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom. – via Mail & Guardian

The most overrated, underwhelming, overpriced and generally shitty expo will hit Johannesburg again from 26 – 29 September. – via Sexpo

And finally, Juanita du Plessis still hasn’t learned her lesson. – via Twitter

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Luckily my Discovery was paid up

Ream-me tweet

If my grammar is a bit shaky (everyone reading this: bitch, your fucking grammar is always shaky) I apologize. I’m writing this post on my iPhone from the Intensive Care Unit at Steve Biko Academic Hospital.  Those of you thirsty bitches who follow KNOPKIERIE would know that the last post was of full time spiertier and actor person Ream-me Short. Long story short, we Twatted him, he Twatted back and my pussy exploded.  So here I am, legs in stirrups, after some poor intern was tasked with practicing his skills with a suture needle while sewing my business back together.  They didn’t want me to bring my iPhone in here on account of the risk of infection, to which I responded “Bitch please, my nethers have been exposed to WAY worse!”.


Knopkierie: Ramey Short (paging Doctor McSmoothie!)

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It’s Saturday night and at the expense of any kind of social life for yours truly other than a hollowed out  French polony and my collection of Turkish Wrestling clips, that means it’s time for a KNOPKIERIE.  This week let me introduce Veet For Men spokesjock Ramey Short. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate those silky smooth fuck-lines! (FYI: A fuck-line is not to be confused with a fuck-licence – which whores outside South Africa call a treasure trail – clearly, Ramey’s fuck licence was Veeted into heaven a long LONG time ago) No doubt it was this choice cutlet of prime steak’s aptitude for BODYODYODY that got him cast as Dr. Quinton Meyer in homegrown TV hot mess, Binnelanders.  I watched that show for no other reason than to see Dr. Meyer’s guns poking out from under his tight little hospital scrubs. Speaking of his whore-drobe, does it say “filth” on his hoodie?  Make sure you show him as much love as he shows that tube of Veet every week by cyberstalking him a bit (read: a lot) via @RameyShort. Also make sure your Discovery is paid up to date, because when you see the following images, you are going to want to book a prostate fingering STAT!

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