I’ve been on sabbatical…no, that’s a lie. Saying I’ve been on sabbatical implies that a) I get paid for spewing Mzansi-flavoured filth all over the internet and that b) spewing Mzansi-flavoured filth all over the internet is a legitimate occupation. None of these are the case, so let’s just call a (gold digger) spade a (gold digger) space and say that I was being a lazy cunt and had absolutely NO fucks to give about blogging.
Firing up the old TOS-shiba and glancing over the stories making the news during my absence seem to indicate that the fuckery did not stop oozing out of the headlines while I wasn’t reading them. DA and AGANG held a scissor-fest, Oscar Fistorius had/has the entire world losing their SHIT, politicians were serving FUPA REALNESS on the red carpet, floods made Gauteng look like the massive gaping vagina of nation that it is and the collective insanity cluster-fuck that is Red October seems to have gone airborne, infecting the minds of a bunch of fucktards in the USA.
For your reading pleasure, I will discuss each of these incidents separately, to allow for the appropriately timed puke-breaks. You’re welcome.
Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
Pictured above is the face of a man who has NO FUCKS to give about pre-ordered pussay. This man is the AbaThembu King, Zwelibanzi Dalindyebo. I have no idea who the AbaThembu is, I have even less of an idea who their King (apart from his name – OBVEE) is and these are all facts I am content with. What I can say, however, is that SA Breaking News reports that the Sovereign of the AbaThembu is serving piping hot SASS to any member of his family who tries to fix him up with a ho they deem appropriate to produce a royal heir.
I’m not going to pretend to understand the internal mechanics of any monarchy. Mainly because I’m still struggling to understand the internal mechanics of my own liver (I don’t understand why I keep waking up with a headache every time I guzzle a liter of Tas, can someone explain this to me??). If there is one thing I DO understand though, it’s SASS. I’ve been giving my parents “don’t MAKE me snap my fingers in Z-formation” since I could string whole sentences together and I definitely appreciate this quality in others. Saying “…if you want me to marry her so bad, why don’t YOU fuck her?!” to your family was TOTALLY included as part of my coming-out speech, but I decided to scrap that part.
I know a HBIC when I see one and King Zweli is the real deal! From telling his parents to ride the pointy end of his royal scepter, to calling The Prez on his bullshit, I think we can all take a page out of his book…the book he uses as rolling paper of course! You do you King Zweli! Savour the pussay you already have (which I understand is plentiful to begin with), don’t put up with family drama and keep on calling dumb bitches on their bullshit! #WERKBITCH
I take everything I said, about Justine Sacco, in my previous post back. This is the first and last time I will retract a piece as I have a very serious not-a-single-fuck-is-given policy. Based on this policy I stand steadfast next to every single nugget of filth I fling at your computer screen. However, after I saw the post on buzzfeed about Ms Sacco’s general Twatter activity, I have decided that this situation requires a retraction and sincere apology.
The tweets highlighted by the buzzfeed post clearly indicated that Sacco is about as sane as Amanda Bynes after a bong hit. 5150 a bitch STAT! Can you imagine the sheer fear her co-passengers must have experienced on the flight back to London if they knew of this fuckery?? The atmosphere must have been palpable. If you think I am exaggerating, just go read some of the gems buzzfeed was able to salvage from the now deleted Twatter account. My favourites are:
As I sit and eat a bagel with lox, i would like to send love to my jews who are all starving themselves right now. #hungryhungryhebrews
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) October 8, 2011
“Weird German Dude: You’re in first class. It’s 2014. Get some deodorant.” -Inner monologue as I inhale BO. Thank god for pharmaceuticals.
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) December 20, 2013
So since mental illness is a serious matter, I would like to apologise on behalf of all South African to Justine Sacco. You are forgiven as you knew not what you were doing (see what I did there with the Jesus reference, heh heh?). That said, to whoever gives Ms Sacco the help she so clearly needs, I would like to ask that you “remove the cause, but not the symptom” because this shit is GOLD!
Bandwagons and soapboxes are currently operating at maximum capacity as pseudo-activists (aka lesbian hippies who ONLY use Cherokee hair tampons) collectively lose their SHIT on Twatter over some dumb bitch’s tweet (shown above). If you were unaware of this fuckery before reading this shit, I do apologize most profusely (read: I’m not apologizing at all). I am, however, going to need everyone to stow it and calm their worked-up asses the fuck down and this is why:
First of all, this bitch was probably just making a funny. A joke in poor taste (aren’t those the best anyway?)? Perhaps, but still a joke nonetheless. All of you self righteous tricks can’t tell me you’ve never made a fat American, short-dicked Asian or sheep shagging Australian joke. If you can say you’ve never done this, well then fuck, aren’t you just the life of the fucking party! The fact that this “joke”, however, was made at the expense of poor, defenseless, starving and broke-as-fuck Africa seem to make it unacceptable – BITCH PLEASE. Sit your ass down.
Second of all, maybe this wasn’t a joke. Maybe Ms Sacco, like myself, is partial to a bit of African Rock Python and given the high HIV infection rate in sub-Saharan Africa – in addition to the fact that she likes to ride side-saddle (bareback anal) because she’s saving her clam burger for that special someone – she might just be legitimately concerned about her health.
Finally, I’m going to need everyone to calm the fuck down, because the real issue here – irrespective of whether she was kidding or expressing legitimate concern – is how this dumbass got a job in PR. P fucking R?? How the fuck are you going to work in PR and tweet bullshit like that?! I have degrees coming out my butthole and the good sense to make my internet trash anonymous, but I can’t find a job with proper medical aid to save my life! That’s some old bullshit!
Great, now I’m pissed off at that ho! I’m going to tweet some hate at her RIGHT NOW!
Since last night was Phuza Thursday, I only learned of this sad news this morning when I dragged my Tassenberg-soaked corpse back into bed after taking a hangover-shit at 6am and seeing 10 sms’s from my overseas side-pieces sending me their condolences, like I knew the guy personally. And yes, I have hoes in different area codes – I’m classy like that. Speaking of which, you can imagine how sad I am about Madiba’s passing since, as a white 90’s teen, he was the reason I was allowed to love on black dick in post-1994 South Africa.
WEEP Rainbow Nation, weep your fucking eyes out! Not for his passing (because let’s face it the guy was pretty old and probably sick as fuck about the Papz sticking a Nikon in his face every time he so much as sneezed), but for the tidal wave of sheer fuckery that is going to follow. First of all, the fucking haters are going to take to their Isuzu’s and congregate at the local Stadsaal to strategise (under the guidance of St Steve) about how to survive the Night of the Long Knives. My god! I’m still waiting for the phone call from my granny, warning me about the impending doom the blacks will bring upon us…or maybe she found out about my love of African Python and decided that how I live my life is the way I should die…
Secondly, that clanging you hear is the sound of gold diggers far and wide picking up their shovels and digging like that shit is their J-O-B! The image above is just one such example. You will have shameless whores like Pillsbury Malema taking credit for Madiba’s work and sacrifices left, right and centre. You’ll see international tricks coming out of the woodwork and sending us their condolences like they knew who the fuck Madiba or South Africa was before today (cut to David Cameron signing a book of condolence on BBC News – THE FUCK is a book of condolence??). Lastly, but by no means the least, can you imagine the phonebill MTN is going to send the Mandela family for all those call to the accountant? That shit won’t be Ayoba! The Jacksons better take note! Michael didn’t have no Nobel Peace Prize OR any honorary doctorates…ALL the claws (read: shovels) are coming out, because there is money to be MADE bitch!
Farewell Tata. I’m thankful you don’t have to witness this fucking mess.
Those of you plebeian sluts who don’t know who Pipi Longstockings is, a) you piece of commoner TRASH, b) Pippi Longstocking is a fictional character in a series of Swedish children’s books by author Astrid Lindgren, which was later adapted into multiple films and television series. One of the sweet little ginger girls who starred in the screen adaptations, Tami Erin, is now all grown up and has decided to show her sweet little ginger pussy to the world. This is hardly news. That shit’s been known for a while now. However, what is news is that FNB’s marketing director is horny as FUCK and is taking his personal life to work with him.
The Pippi porno has leaked onto the internet (read: “leaked“) and 2Oceansvibe reports that a link to the Pippi pussy video on spinmediavideo.com has FNB as the sponsored ad which runs before you can view the leaked porno. So basically, when you click play on this mess, you first have to sit through FNB telling you you fucking basic you are and how NOT basic they are and bla bla bla. I suppose this makes sense. You might need to apply for a credit card to purchase this shit – I wouldn’t know, I don’t support pornography (which has vagina in it). Kudos FNB. Make dem coins!