Those of you plebeian sluts who don’t know who Pipi Longstockings is, a) you piece of commoner TRASH, b) Pippi Longstocking is a fictional character in a series of Swedish children’s books by author Astrid Lindgren, which was later adapted into multiple films and television series. One of the sweet little ginger girls who starred in the screen adaptations, Tami Erin, is now all grown up and has decided to show her sweet little ginger pussy to the world. This is hardly news. That shit’s been known for a while now. However, what is news is that FNB’s marketing director is horny as FUCK and is taking his personal life to work with him.
The Pippi porno has leaked onto the internet (read: “leaked“) and 2Oceansvibe reports that a link to the Pippi pussy video on spinmediavideo.com has FNB as the sponsored ad which runs before you can view the leaked porno. So basically, when you click play on this mess, you first have to sit through FNB telling you you fucking basic you are and how NOT basic they are and bla bla bla. I suppose this makes sense. You might need to apply for a credit card to purchase this shit – I wouldn’t know, I don’t support pornography (which has vagina in it). Kudos FNB. Make dem coins!
I should really rename this segment to “Tricks Who Used To Be Hot A Few Decades Ago, But Of Which There Are Currently No Photos Of Said Hotness”, because goddam it is hard to find pics of these whores from the days before they looked like they’ve spent the most of their time since the late 90’s exploring tik-dens across the nation. The image above will have to suffice as a jump-start for your filthy minds to remember cute cub Matthew Stewardson.
This scrumptious piece of boy-next-door meat with just the right amount of chunk was the only reason I watched SA Idol. Sadly, his nose and his mouth started a competition about who can hoover in the most shit, which resulted in him going from the picture above, to the ones below:
Yup. Bitch got greedy and became bloated and fugly. A regular Rainbow Nation Elvis. In December of 2010, at the age of 36, Matthew died of natural causes in. Apparently he met his end due to a heart attack or stroke he suffered while learning how to surf in Jeffreys Bay. I, however, contend that this was suicide. Come on, lets cut the bullshit. Someone of this particular physique has NO business doing any sport, let alone sport at sea. He probably though “Ah fuckit, I’m about 100% done with this shit” and paddled himself to his own demise.
This is all very sad really, and should serve as cautionary tale to any other hookers out there contemplating taking up a tik-bulb – leave that shit to the professionals! A career which started with K-TV and included work with international presenters like MTV UK’s Sami Sabiti, can go to shit real quick when you’re spending your days oscillating between a toke from your bulb and a bite from your Big Mac!
Rest in peace my cute cub. At least I will always have early-2000-Matthew in my spank bank…
Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter
THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24
Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live
SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24
Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking. I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence. I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld
Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24
Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live
Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press
ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip
Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian
By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24
Hold on to your panties ladies (but mostly gents) because your pussies are about to explode. This week’s Knopkierie is brought to you by the very talented Mr Dylan King. Apparently he’s a rapper who also produces shit, endorses some shit and talks about shit on StarGist, but I’m more concerned with his exquisitely sculpted man-tits. Hmmmmm… OM NOM NOM NOM.
Sowetan Live should change their calendar name from “Mzansi’s Sexiest” to “Mzansi’s meh and gross-looking” because Dylan was in the running for the 2013 calendar, but was out-voted by obviously blind-ass bitches who decided to go with FAS-faced Melusi Yeni, pasty-as-fuck J’Something (appropriate name because I have not a fucking clue who this trick is) and tanned Meerkat Lee Stemmet. What the fuck people?? To prove my point, here are some more pictures of Blayze Entertainment CEO and face of Creative Recreation sneakers:
One can always expect of IOL to deliver the back end of the trashiest news available in Sub-Saharan Africa. Today is no exception. IOL reports that Competition Commissioner, Shan Ramburuth, has been forced to resign after it was found that he used his work SIM card to look at fuck-bits costing the Competition Commission R120 000 in international roaming charges. I would like to take this opportunity to kindly request everyone to calm their self-righteous asses the fuck down. Calm? OK.
A couple of things are important to note here. If web-design and fried chicken expenses at provincial level reach amounts that defies the sheer fabric of reality, then I can say with almost complete certainty that if Mr Ramburuth was racking up a 120K bill for looking at videos of GloZell playing real-life Hungry-Hungry-Hippo, no one would have had a single fuck to give about it. But because he did what every normal man (or woman) does when in a hotel room after a day of working out of town – bust a nut – he is being made out to be the scum of the earth and unfit for his job. Give me a fucking break.
Secondly, even though I think the Ministry of Whatthefuckever which the Competition Commission reports to need to get the fuck down from their high horse, I still think he should have been fired. However, the reason should not be for “improper use of company resources”, but rather for “being a dumb fuck”. Let’s cut the shit and just admit that ALL of us have looked at a butthole or pussy-lip on a work device, on work bandwidth or in work time. The difference is, anybody with half a braincell would know to either keep that shit to an undetectable minimum, to erase your history or to do whatever needs to be done so you don’t get your thirsty ass caught! Hopefully the acting commissioner will be less of a fucktard.
The only thing that happens to me when I think about South African politics, is that it makes me consider taking up religion again. I imagine only some form of higher power has the capacity to fix the executive level fuckery the Prez and his band of fucktards has wet-queefed all over the nation. At first glance I thought Basic Education Minister, Angie Motshekga, felt the same…but no. Brace yourself, this amount of weapons grade stupidity is not for the faint at heart.
I thought I’ve heard it all when bitches started promoting “pray the gay away” retreats for their cock-hungry sons and poon-starved daughters…once again, no. City Press reports that Holy Mother Angie Motshekga has asked Mpumalanga residents to pray for their children writing matric exams to be delivered from evil spirits. A bit of an odd statement, considering she looks like a concept sketch for The Gogo of Chucky.
That’s right parents. Fuck striking teachers! Fuck poorly managed government funding!! Fuck teachers who can’t even pass the national exam of the subject they teach!!! Fuck all of this, because we now know the real reason all provincial matric pass rates, apart from that of the Western Cape, need as much work as there is needed on Angie Motshekga’s face! Demons! Wyk Satan!! Suka Tokoloshe!!!
Also, Ms Motshekga would be well advised to spend some time engaged in early detection rather than fraternise with the likes of Micah Nthali from the Moral-regeneration movement (what the entire FUCK is a “moral-regeneration movement”??). I know some people get wet in their sex-bits at the sight of a beauty spot, but that shit hanging off her forehead is about as beautiful as a shit-covered prolapse hanging out of a hairy butthole. GURL, you know you are getting photographed, FIX YOUR SHIT!
In the dirty-jam-rag-red corner we have the EFF-off Freedom Fighters. In the balloon-red corner we have a group of white bitches who are scared stupid. Both groups are actively competing for the title of Most Self-Entitled Whores In The Nation. It’s too early to tell who will win, but I can say that at this stage it is pretty neck and neck. In case you have been oblivious to this epic clash of the brainless up till now, let me just quickly summarise.
The EFF-off Freedom Fighters, under leadership of Pillsbury Malema, is saying:
The EFF is not a racist organisation, but white people must learn to share…
Crazy white bitches, under patronage of Steve Hofmeyr (white Julius), are saying:
They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!
Two issues need to be pointed out here. Firstly, if both Julius and white-Julius could just stop pretending that they are “one of the people” that would be great. Secondly, everyone need to realize that all of this anger and frustration permeating from, arguably the most annoying human beings on the African continent (second to Nonhle Thema of course), is obviously the result of being separated at birth and being denied a childhood together. If someone separated me from my fraternal twin I would be pissed off as well. Therefore, anyone who supports them in their respective absurd self-entitled endeavors are inadvertently enabling psychologically self-destructive behaviour – shame on you. Let’s all rather go home, have a cup of tea, calm the fuck down, and let Julius and Steve work this out amongst themselves like brothers should.