Happy 100th To Us!

100

Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter

THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24

South Africa still remains the premier dumbing ground for artists who should have been embalmed a decade ago. – via Twatter

Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live

SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24

Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking.  I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence.  I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld

Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24

Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live

Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press

ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip

Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian

By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo4

Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian

The Crips and the Bloods ain’t got SHIT on what’s about to go down in Cape Town now that Mad Dog Staggie is out on day parole. – via News24

Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live

The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live

Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24

Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live

Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live

Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe

Jeannie D adds her midriff to her arsenal of Europe-terrorizing instruments. – via Instagram

ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24

Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe

Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip

 

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Oh The SHADE Of It All! ANN7 Supporters Get An Open Letter.

the shade

Showing South Africa that he is a shade-throwing bitch to be reckoned with, 2Oceansvibe Editor in Queef, Seth Rotherham published an open letter to those of you whores who feel all of the sads for the sorry excuse for presenters (nevermind actual news reporting) they are smearing across the sorry excuse for a brand new news network – ANN7. If you have been living under a rock for the past week (with apologies to South Africa’s many miners), ANN7 (AKA, GuptaTV) came under severe fire (bukkake level fire, super messy!) after its recent launch for being an ill prepared, disorganised, poorly produced, shitty-outfit-wearing MESS. This was a shit show of EPIC proportions – so obviously I’m HOOKED!  Some people, like Mr Rotherham, do not share my excitement. He feels that these kind of mistakes are unacceptable. I don’t know, I lost his argument at “balls hanging out“.  This is part of what he had to say:

NO-ONE CARES

Maybe you’re right, maybe it is because the teleprompter was scrolling too slow or too fast, but quite frankly that has sweet F-all to do with us, the armchair critics. We’re tuning in to a new 24-hour news network. Do you understand the gravity of that statement? Or rather the gravity of investing millions to launch one? Especially one that is not too dissimilar to North Korean television, in that it was created with the sole purpose of distributing government propaganda. You can’t take those kind of risks – hanging your balls out there – unless it’s absolutely perfect. And you know what, shame for those presenters who are either underprepared, inexperienced, or are the brunt of bad production. Again, no-one cares. It’s not a school dorm radio station, angel pie. There are absolutely no allowances for “you did great, hun” or “you’re improving every day.”

GET REAL!

OH THE SHADE OF IT ALL! You know what, since my blog is hardly made up of the kind of content they teach you in your average journalism course, nevermind feature on your average search engine, I’m not going to do anything but stick to my guns in saying YOU GO ANN7! Bring the mess – local is lekker! If for nothing else other than to show the likes of North Korea how shit is DONE! And after everyone has calmed the fuck down and stopped shitting on you, ANN7, all you have to do is follow the wise words of one Ms Latrice Royale, courtesy of LOGO TV’s RuPaul’s Drag Race: (BTW: if you are not current on RPDR, then we can no longer be friends, be gone!)

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Finally, a channel on DSTV I can watch

I remember when my family got DSTV and I could go to broke whores at school “Your MNet ain’t SHIT bitch!”.  Recently, however, DSTV has become a bigger disappointment to my family than me introducing them to my friend and room ream mate Jabulani. Imagine my delight after learning about the glorious train wreck that is the new 24-hour news channel.  ANN7 (DSTV 405) launched this week and what a launch it was! I wasn’t fortunate enough to watch the mess in it’s entirety, but News24 reports some top class fuckery in addition to the clip available on Youtube. If this is the kind of homegrown Youtube talent bitches were talking about then I retract ALL my previous statements, because this is pure gold!

Everything from the sound to the presenting (including their whore-drobe) was a mess!  Who needs BBC or CNN when you can have … [awkward pause] … Carolyn and Marlien give you awkward silences, some Anne-Hathaway-looking skank mispronouncing names of politicians or the hoes in post cutting off half of the story headline?! I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Guptas for taking African Television to a WHOLE new level of WTF. I love it! Keep up the good work and keep giving Mzansi more of THIS:

ANN7 Side eye

 

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