Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter

THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24

South Africa still remains the premier dumbing ground for artists who should have been embalmed a decade ago. – via Twatter

Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live

SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24

Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking.  I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence.  I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld

Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24

Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live

Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press

ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip

Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian

By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo3

Pierre Spies brings about political and social change in Zimbabwe with rugby – which is the ONLY WAY to bring about change. – via Twatter

Thor had a hand in this: All the more reason to visit the Drakensberg. – via Times Live

NUMSA shows all you haters that a trade union is in fact capable of logical thought. – via Fin24

Once again, undeniable proof that no link exists between level of education and people’s tendency to behave like deranged savages.  No link whatsoever. – via News24

When toddlers get offed in Diepsloot, the only rational thing to do is to  break shit down and harass the only people who can legally do something about the situation (DUH). Also, throwing stones at journalists reporting on the tragedy brings about justice (OBVEE. – via Mail & Guardian

Looks like it’s “Stomach In, Chest Out Stomach In, Ingquza Out” in in Mpumalanga. – via Times Live

Joke’s on you Huisgenoot! Someone in market research must have been fasting too long, because demintia must be setting in if they think has got any Muslim readers. – via Twatter

Fuck our lives! Nonhle Thema and Khanyi Mbau has been spared for another year. Is there no end to this torture?? – via Twatter

Oh jesus, oh jesus fucking christ. Can someone please confiscate Steve’s iPhone? I don’t think I can take any more of this misinformed pseudo-intellectual fuckery. – via Twatter

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo4

Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian

The Crips and the Bloods ain’t got SHIT on what’s about to go down in Cape Town now that Mad Dog Staggie is out on day parole. – via News24

Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live

The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live

Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24

Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live

Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live

Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe

Jeannie D adds her midriff to her arsenal of Europe-terrorizing instruments. – via Instagram

ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24

Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe

Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Vavi apologizes for calling his ladyboy hooker a girl (nopatazana). – via Mail & Guardian

First South African to ride in the Tour de France decides to quit that shit before the jig is up! – via News24

I can honestly say I would rather be violently raped with a rusty spoon than attend a Kunt Darren concern. However, if you disagree, here are some deets. – via Twitter

Pierre Spies is amazed by a photo of himself. Welcome to our world Pierre! – via Twitter

Morris the Tokoloshe getting into the festive season. – via Twitter

SANZAR CEO, Greg Peters, comments on that cunt Romain Poite being a meanie to our Bissie. – via Soundcloud

Bissie’s record has been cleansed of that vile Romain Poite’s shitty reffing. – via Times Live

Auditions for Sharknado: South Africa now open! – via ZAGossip

File under “news of the painfully obvious”: The Prez is delusional an uninformed. – via 2Oceansvibe

Election 2014 Manifesto: “The manifesto forums seek to provide an opportunity for the ANC to interact with our people on progress made and challenges confronted in creating a South Africa that is better today than it was in 1994 make false promises in a desperate attempt to win votes despite appalling governance”. – via Times Live

Ian Bredenkamp knows where its at! – via Twitter

Gareth Cliff needs to work on his sales pitch. – via Twitter

SABC editor, Montlenyane Diphoko, shows all South Africans that you can do any-FUCKING-thing you want, as long as you have a good enough lawyer. Keep up the good work Monty! – via Sowetan Live

The Hawks being a division of the SA Police Service is not stupid and is not a recipe for political interference you dummies: Kemp. – via Time Live

DA – 1, ANC – 0 (IOL – 0 for double negative): Cape Town least unequal SA city. – via IOL

Some trick with dainty-ass hooves finally won the #ElanaShoes! – via Twitter

 

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What Is Going On At The Gupta House?

Air Gupta

Hardly anything trash-talk worthy happened in Mzansi today, so imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this little scrap of beautiful fuckery in the pile of off-cuts from Cher’s newest and “newsiest” wig (aka IOL).  Apparently one of the Gupta’s 2 500 domestic servants was the mastermind behind a recent “robbery” that took place at their home in Johannesburg on Wednesday. I use the term “robbery” loosely since the estimated value of goods allegedly stolen from the Gupta home was a mere R1million. BITCH SAY WHAT?? If the robbers weren’t being such slobs and left the place in a state, then these rich hoes wouldn’t even have known they lost a rock!

But WAIT! The plot thickens! I just saw on eNCA that the Guptas have issued an official statement denying that said robbery took place. The fuck? The pigs are insisting that a robbery did take place at the Gupta residence in Houghton and that it is being investigated, but the Guptas said that they can “categorically state that none of their properties were robbed“. Categorically hey? Well shit. Then the cops MUST be mistaken. If you ask me, this is just a classic case of cops fucking up paperwork. I don’t think there is something dodgy going on here at all. I don’t think the Guptas are involved in anything that isn’t completely above board.  Did the italics sufficiently convey my sarcasm? Keep on watching this space for more related fuckery…I don’t think we’ve heard the last of this mess.

 

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Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men! (and The Riviersonderend joke for dummies)

ass cpt

From the evidence that has passed my very own eyes it would seem it is not only raining cats and dogs in the Mother City, but also naked men! Sjoe! The photo above was snapped by a motorist on the M5 highway in Cape Town yesterday. By the look of things this is not our mystery streaker’s first time letting it all hang loose because these eyes don’t see no tan lines! In addition to this, local rag the Cape Argus (via news24), reports that this oke has been spotted as far away as Riviersonderend! Riviersonderend?? This must be the guy from the Riviersonderend joke! First off, if you haven’t heard of Riviersonderend, then just imagine the most remote, one-road, one-post office, NO WOOLIES, NO DRAG CLUB, arm-blanke paradise you can and then times it by 150 because that’s how fast people drive through Riviersonderend after a rapid piss break at the Shell service station. Clear? Now, if you haven’t heard the Riviersonderend joke, here it is (sorry, but it’s only funny in Afrikaans):

Daar was ‘n man opsoek na die klein dorpie genaamd Riviersonderend. Hy bereik sy bestemming volgens aanwysings maar sien geen naamborde om die dorp se naam te kan bevestig nie. Dit was ‘n Sondag namiddag so natuurlik was almal tuis en hy kon niemand kry om te raadpleeg nie. Hy loop toe maar so bietjie rond in die hoop dat hy wel iemand sou vind om te vra of hy wel in Riviersonderend is. Na so paar minute se gesoek kom hy af op ‘n man wat blyk te masturbeer in n verlate stegie tussen twee geboue. Hy wou omdraai en wegloop van die affêre, maar uit vrees dat hy dalk nie weer iemand so teëkom nie maak hy maar keel skoon en vra “Verskoon my meneer, maar kan u my dalk sê…is dit Riviersonderend?” Waarop die man heel geirriteerd antwoord: “Nee, dis naai-sonder-poes.”

Jesus, okay Rainbow Nation! Basically, this dude tries to get directions in Riviersonderend on a Sunday, but he can’t find a soul because everyone is in a potato salad and skaaptjop induced slumber. Then he spots a dude playing with his mielie in an alleyway, and he asks, “Hey, is this River-without-end?” (the name of the town) The other guy responds, “No, this is fucking without pussy!”.

… Yes. Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls past…

Anyway! back to stormy and wet with a chance of nudity! This is the “fucking-without-pussy” guy! I would stake my last cheese curl on it! The Cape Argus also reports that City Traffic Services could not deal with this man’s Cape Cobra swinging all over the left lane like a leathery traffic boom, so they handed the matter over to the local police. What a bunch of pliggies! Spoiling the fun for the rest of us! Talk about speed humps ahead!

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