Today We Remember: Sipho Ngwenya

Psyfo 1

Posing like the precious YO-TV presenting cherub that he is was, next to Julius Malema in his best Sunday-drag, is busy busy busy actor, singer and record producer Sipho Ngwenya – also known as Psyfo (If your brain just started to bleed, don’t worry mine did they same when I read that fucking stupid nickname. It will stop bleeding in a few minutes).  Can someone please tell me why the LAZY photographer didn’t bother to tell Psyfo (oooooh god my brain!) to put his hardworking hands over this trick’s shoulder or even did some post-shoot Photoshopping??  Bitch is obviously using the cheapest fucking Mum roll-on, because her pit-bulge looks like the ashiest pusslips I’ve seen in forever! Put that shit away! But I digress… Let’s see what the busiest celebrity in South Africa looks like nowadays:

Psyfo

EEEK YIZA YIZA TOKOLOSHE! This is what happens when you move from in front of the camera to behind it, or into a recording studio. Shit gets MESSY!  Also, I’d probably also look like this is I was doing all the work he’s doing (read: I DO look like this and I don’t do as much work). The reason I say Psyfo (ooooh fuck, there goes the frontal lobe!) is a busy busy busy busy boy, is because his biography reads like he’s been working since he was a fetus! Bitch has presented and sang on Kideo Pops, presented on SABC1’s YO-TV and Wildroom, produced and presented his own show Hype, produced Sandra of ‘n Drafstap (BAAAAAARF) and starred in the SABC1 shit show Generations.  Psyfo (uuuuughh, DEAD…now my corpse is typing by way of rigor mortis) also has his own record label which produces acts such as Mandoza, Lebo Mathosa and Jamali.

His most recent project was joining Mzansi Magic’s drama series Rockville, which I haven’t watched but I assume that he’s SMOKING the Rocks in the show by the look of things.  Here are some more pictures of him posing with hoes before he decided to let himself GO:

Psyfo 2 Psyfo 3

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Knopkierie: Amro Gabriels

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If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be AYOBA as a motherfucker by spending my entire R15 top-up on 47439 sms’s for Amro Gabriels to win the next Mr South Africa. Mr South Africa, god, what a joke. I’ve seen primary school productions of Jack and the Beanstalk with bigger budgets that this shit show and I would MUCH rather climb the stalk in the school production than that of the Mr SA contestants (read: Andrew Govender, BARF). However, Amro Gabriels is making my heart yearn for Cape Town by serving piping hot coloured REALNESS. Don’t be fooled though, this hunk of caramel goodness is actually from Durban, just like the hourglass-figured title holder, Andrew Govender, who he hopes to dethrone for the Mr SA 2013 title.

Amro’s achievements include academic accomplishments as well as sporting awards. He is currently enrolled in an accounting degree course and works for the family business, which is the import, export and distribution of jewelery. Amro also likes modelling (OBVEE), traveling, networking, socialising and keeping up to date on current world affairs.  Amro gets the official SIESA NYAMA stamp of approval and we hope he wins this shit! Hopefully he can use the prize money to get better portfolio pics than these ones which a) he stole from the runway photographer, or b) where he is wearing undies that look about 10 years old, and c) looks like the last pic he has saved on his phone after he sexted it to some trick he met during his travels:

Amro2 Amro3 Amro4 Amro5

 

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Boer Billionaires!

Boere

Good GOD! If ever a headline made my b-hole pucker uncontrollably, this is it! Make sure you get the latest issue of FinWeek, get their names and #GetPaidHunty! FinWeek did all the leg work and now all we have to do is to a) either make these J. Howard Marshall lookin’ bitches leave their wives for us, or b) find their sons and threaten to leak the dick pics he sent you (they’ve always sent dick pics to someone). GET DEM COOOOOOINS!  Also, this kind of reminds me of that tragedy of a TV show called “Boer Soek ‘n Vrou“.  This roughly translates to “Farmer Seeks a Wife” and is basically Afrikaans South Africa’s answer to The Bachelor.  I’ve only watched about one 10th of the part they show before the intro rolls, so I don’t know much about that shit show, but what I do know is that I’ve VIVIDLY fantasized about some spin-off shows.  I will let the gutter water in your brains to the work in lieu of a description…

– Boer soek ‘n ou (Farmer seeks a guy)

– Boer soek ‘n hoer (Farmer seeks a whore)

– Boer soek dit NOU (Farmer wants it NOW)

– Boer soek ‘n knou (Farmer seeks punishment)

– Boer is ‘n vrou (Farmer is a woman)

I would obviously like to be a contestant on all of these spin-offs… *sploosh*

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Shocking News: South Africa Has An Army

gay soldier

Yes, you read right. South Africa indeed has an actual defense force, with real guns and shit.  Sadly though, the image above of soldiers gathered around the one gay soldiers bed (evident by his pretty pink princess duvet), is not seen in any of the Battalion commanded by Lieutenant-Colonel Martin Feni. I was shocked to read that there was any money left in the National Treasury, after paying for the support of all 267 of Jacob Zuma’s children, to fund a National Defense Force; and after dealing with the initial shock, I was SHOCKED again to learn that despite world class anti-discrimination policies, that the military is rife with homophobia. Shocked! Gays being discriminated against in a hierarchical, paternalistic, hyper-masculine environment…shocked!

I’m sure Feni is not the only faghater up in that bitch. So I suppose it’s good that some trick actually stepped up and spilled the tea.  And no, I am not even going to put “allegedly” in there somewhere because you only need half a fucking braincell to know that this shit is in fact going down.  The only fact I might consider contesting in the Times Live article is the fact that SA has an army… I still can’t get over that one.

 

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Joburg: Ground Zero For D-R-A-M-A, DRAMA!

Asking for it

So if you are a thirsty Joburg bitch like me, today was a bitter sweet day.  Not only were there chloras in all shapes and sizes to choose from at Soweto Pride today, but there was also a a march to celebrate the thirst in you, ie. SLUTWALK! So why “bitter sweet” you ask? Well, you would have had to make a decision on which is most important to you: Loving on the dick or err… loving on the dick (let’s cut the shit, no lesbians read my blog).  This was a tricky one, but I chose Soweto Pride – but only because I wanted to see if I can get a piccie from under the stall of Kaye Ally getting scissored in a shebeen toilet.

For those of you who are somewhat confused, let me break this shit down into easily deepthroatable chunks.  Pride is about promoting and celebrating your right to love on the dick, even if you have a dick (and I suppose the same is true for poon, but who knows what the lesbians do?!).  The Slutwalk, however, is about promoting and celebrating your right to make a dick hard without having said dick enter your clam-burger / chocolate-starfish uninvited.  I call shenanigans though.  It is a well recorded fact that most faghags are whores (like the fags they support).  Arranging a Slutwalk and a Pride parade on the same day in the same(ish) city is a blatant ploy to divide and conquer! We all know that the hags are the backbone of the gay community.  Without them we would just be a bunch of closeted queens denying our true self and lusting after straight boys we can never have! Clever! But I’m on to you, Robert Mugabe!

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo

The rapper formally known as AKA (formally known as the stupidist stage name in Africa) arrived somewhere. So says a massively useless tweet by Heat SA. – via Twatter

Fucking greedy bitch, Premier Thandi Modise, wont share the D! – via Mail & Guardian

Kunt Darren (no, not Darren Scott), released a new form of human torture music video today. Get the bleach for your eyeballs and screwdrivers for your eardrums ready if you decide to watch this shit. – via Youtube

Bobby van Jaarsveld is being all hipster and shit by listening to actual CD’s in his car. #HipsterForJesus. – via Twatter

Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss spotted holidaying in a KZN caravan park. – via News24

If you like stick figures, desperately trying to fish for plankton to stay alive, being photographed in swimwear designed for plankton-sized organisms, then check out the Bridgestone Swimsuit shoot. – via 2Oceansvibe

BAAAAAARF! Next time you have a party in your nose-holes, just mind the toe-jam. – via News24

It’s always so nice to see a new and fresh news story come across your desk.  Well, today is not the day because this e-toll bullshit is STILL dragging on in classic ANC fashion. – via Fin24

Jar Jar Binks (aka Naledi Pandor) says “White Widow”, Samantha Lewthwaite, used a fraudulently acquired South African passport to gain access to Kenya…but no one here could give two fucks about officially taking this matter up with the Kenyan government. Classy. – via Mail & Guardian

Poor Julius who had his land, his very own land, taken away from him just wants his own land back – peacefully and forcefully. – via News24

Political analyst Richard Calland find the perfect euphemism for “complete dipshit”. – via Mail & Guardian

My teachers never tossed my salad…now I just feel rejected. – via News24

Four Corners entered into the running for the 2014 Academy Awards, so all the foreigners can see how horrible it is to grow up in South Africa. – via 2Oceansvibe

 

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Joburg Pride Postponed: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SA Gay

Chrystal dildos everywhere are shattered on account of the shock announcement yesterday that Johannesburg Pride has been postponed from this Saturday 28 September to later in October. Seriously people? Shock announcement?? Worst case scenario you have some of your lesbros (a lesbo who coincidentally is also your bro) from Rustenburg visiting this weekend and your Kudu-meat-dress is arriving tomorrow just in time for the planned festivities.  Big fucking deal! Get on Grindr and tell the gays to come over on Saturday and each bring a bottle of Pinot, get the lesbians to braai the Kudu-dress and Bob’s your uncle…or your daddy

Acording to Mambaonline the 24th Annual Johannesburg Pride Festival has been moved from the Mary Fitzgerald Square on 28 September to the Sandton precinct on 26th October due to reasons. Some of said reasons are quoted below as it fell out of the talking hole of head-ho, Kaye Ally:

“…the committee decided at a crisis meeting that Mary Fitzgerald Square being a ‘high risk highly exposed’ area would not be suitable to host this year’s 2013 event…”

“Mary Fitzgerald Square had experienced security concerns and had numerous criminal activities associated with them…”

“[She also faced stinging criticism for scheduling the event on the same day as Soweto Pride]…and friction within the LGBTI community about the clash of pride events could have led to [the] attacks.”

OK, so let me get this straight. Joburg Pride and Soweto Pride would have clashed this weekend and therefore resulted in what? A sniper hired by the Soweto Pride Organising Committee with a pink (champagne pink, hellooo, camouflage!) rifle is going to sit in one of the Palm trees and take out queens in their best Sunday-Drag as they sashay into the square?!  Bitch please.  I think the real issue here is that Boss Bitch Kaye wants to make sure SHE gets the chance to get scissored in a shebeen bathroom this Saturday at Soweto Pride and therefore decided to move Joburg Pride.  Yeah, I got your number trick! September or October, either way, does it really matter? If you were wondering, the answer is NO BITCH!

 

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