Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
First off I have to say that I quite like Nataniël and I especially enjoy his coy you-might-know-steak-but-I-know-WORS-bitch face in this ad for Checkers.
I like Nataniël because I don’t feel my brain start to liquify at the mere thought of seeing him on TV – as I do with most South African celebrities (read: Juanita du Plessis). However, the article in Die Burger today, about the behind the scenes fuckery at the conjuring of this MESS, made me barf up pieces as big as the rump Gordon Ramsay is manhandling like the rump is still attached to the rentboy. Why, you ask? Well, it’s because the article is written in a way that makes it sound like Nataniël and Ramsay were eye-fucking and air-humping each other from across the room for the full 792 takes of this shit-show of an ad.
I don’t mind subtle innuendo intended for gutter-brained whores like myself, but when it involves this puss-filled ass-pimple I simply CAN’T. I didn’t think the UK could produce anything more vile than their last export to the USA, Simon That-Was-Just-Awful Cowell, but I was wrong! Times must be fucking TOUGH when our Lady of Wors agrees to work with this piece of Scottish trash. Ugh, and the way Die Burger makes it sound like GR was undressing Nataniël with his eyes while Nataniël was teasing GR in Afrikaans just made my stomach turn! Checkers should sue Die Burger’s ass for damages, because after reading this article the LAST thing you are going to think of doing is buy a big piece of meat when you see the ad. #VOM #Vegan.
Sidenote: I just simply CAN’T with names like Julizma.
Emo Adams makes thirsty bitches lose all ability to use human language. – via Twitter
How the FUCK is a drunk government official able to dodge police for two hours?? Regardless of how, this shit happened *files under fuckery*. – via Times Live
Haji Mohamed Dawjee throws piping hot shade at the Prez. – via Mail & Guardian
Jay du Plessis celebrates his birthday and Steve Hofmeyr does what he does best…digging in some random “koek”. – via Twitter
The UK cancels SA’s visa-free status and the ANC is working on a cunning plan to ‘get back at them’. Give me fucking strength. – via Times Live
Saying that South African union members need discipline is like saying I need a broad spectrum antibiotic every Monday morning, but Numsa’s general secretary disagrees. – via Times Live
South Africans fail yet another test… this time a test for happiness. Even fucking Kosovo and the Ukraine are happier than us! – via 2Oceansvibe
There is the strong stench of human excrement in the general Sandton area as Traders at the JSE collectively evacuated their bowels at the thought of all kinds of dumb whores now being able to trade shares. – via SA Breaking News
SA Ambassador to the UK, Dr Barend Delport’s, impressive collection of kiddy pussy pics make everyone proud. – via 2Oceansvibe
Everyone at the Toronto Film Festival lost their shit over the film adaptation of Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom. – via Mail & Guardian
The most overrated, underwhelming, overpriced and generally shitty expo will hit Johannesburg again from 26 – 29 September. – via Sexpo
And finally, Juanita du Plessis still hasn’t learned her lesson. – via Twitter
For you dummies who don’t understand Afrikaans, let me translate this unfortunately shortened tweet:
“All of us at the doctor this morning! No sign of any strange flu!! Just some or other (cunt)”
That will teach you to stay within your 140 character limit ho!