Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian
Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live
The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live
Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24
Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live
Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live
Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe
ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24
Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe
Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip
Hopefully none of the OLD FARTS from the South African Older Persons’ Forum (I knew there was one, I just KNEW it! Right?) read my blog, because if they did, they would learn the true meaning of being offended, and more than just the fucking Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) would be on my ass! I’d have to move to Bhutan and blog my trash from a mountain monastery – can you IMAGINE the mobile internet costs?
GuptaTV, our new National political propaganda broadcaster on DStv (aka ANN7, in case you’ve been hiding under a rock in Auckland Park) recently cancelled their rental agreement for the billboard pictured above. This was after a bunch of OLD FARTS opened their toothless drooling holes at the ASA and the Human Right Commission. The FUCKING HRC? Are you fucking with me?? Overreact much??? Also, do they not realize the irony of their complaint? According to the Mail & Guardian, ANN7 said the billboard was “part of an advertising campaign centered on word play, and that there had been no intention to harm or offend anyone“. If you are offended by this (shitty) joke, can you not see that you are in fact being the definition of an OLD FART?
That said, old hoes are going to be old hoes, so let them complain about whatever trivial shit they want to. However, I simply CAN’T with ANN7 agreeing to take this down. I would have said that this billboard was boring and a total waste of money, but obviously what the fuck do I know about advertising because bitches obviously took notice. ANN7 should be capitalizing on this shit, not flushing it down the toilet! Take a leaf from the book of another shady enterprise: Mavericks! Another move in the wrong direction ANN7! Tsk tsk tsk…
Showing South Africa that he is a shade-throwing bitch to be reckoned with, 2Oceansvibe Editor in Queef, Seth Rotherham published an open letter to those of you whores who feel all of the sads for the sorry excuse for presenters (nevermind actual news reporting) they are smearing across the sorry excuse for a brand new news network – ANN7. If you have been living under a rock for the past week (with apologies to South Africa’s many miners), ANN7 (AKA, GuptaTV) came under severe fire (bukkake level fire, super messy!) after its recent launch for being an ill prepared, disorganised, poorly produced, shitty-outfit-wearing MESS. This was a shit show of EPIC proportions – so obviously I’m HOOKED! Some people, like Mr Rotherham, do not share my excitement. He feels that these kind of mistakes are unacceptable. I don’t know, I lost his argument at “balls hanging out“. This is part of what he had to say:
Maybe you’re right, maybe it is because the teleprompter was scrolling too slow or too fast, but quite frankly that has sweet F-all to do with us, the armchair critics. We’re tuning in to a new 24-hour news network. Do you understand the gravity of that statement? Or rather the gravity of investing millions to launch one? Especially one that is not too dissimilar to North Korean television, in that it was created with the sole purpose of distributing government propaganda. You can’t take those kind of risks – hanging your balls out there – unless it’s absolutely perfect. And you know what, shame for those presenters who are either underprepared, inexperienced, or are the brunt of bad production. Again, no-one cares. It’s not a school dorm radio station, angel pie. There are absolutely no allowances for “you did great, hun” or “you’re improving every day.”
OH THE SHADE OF IT ALL! You know what, since my blog is hardly made up of the kind of content they teach you in your average journalism course, nevermind feature on your average search engine, I’m not going to do anything but stick to my guns in saying YOU GO ANN7! Bring the mess – local is lekker! If for nothing else other than to show the likes of North Korea how shit is DONE! And after everyone has calmed the fuck down and stopped shitting on you, ANN7, all you have to do is follow the wise words of one Ms Latrice Royale, courtesy of LOGO TV’s RuPaul’s Drag Race: (BTW: if you are not current on RPDR, then we can no longer be friends, be gone!)
I remember when my family got DSTV and I could go to broke whores at school “Your MNet ain’t SHIT bitch!”. Recently, however, DSTV has become a bigger disappointment to my family than me introducing them to my friend and
room ream mate Jabulani. Imagine my delight after learning about the glorious train wreck that is the new 24-hour news channel. ANN7 (DSTV 405) launched this week and what a launch it was! I wasn’t fortunate enough to watch the mess in it’s entirety, but News24 reports some top class fuckery in addition to the clip available on Youtube. If this is the kind of homegrown Youtube talent bitches were talking about then I retract ALL my previous statements, because this is pure gold!
Everything from the sound to the presenting (including their whore-drobe) was a mess! Who needs BBC or CNN when you can have … [awkward pause] … Carolyn and Marlien give you awkward silences, some Anne-Hathaway-looking skank mispronouncing names of politicians or the hoes in post cutting off half of the story headline?! I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Guptas for taking African Television to a WHOLE new level of WTF. I love it! Keep up the good work and keep giving Mzansi more of THIS: