Professional Male Athletes Doing What Professional Male Athletes Do Is Apparently Newsworthy
Posted: April 5, 2014 Filed under: Celebrities, Sport | Tags: Oscar Fistorius, Oscar Pistorius, Reeva Speenkamp, Reeva Steenkamp, South Africa Leave a comment
My interest in Oscar Fistorius pretty much end where his legs do, so you can imagine that I have no fucks to give about the international OUTRAGE his murder trial has brought about. I am quite astonished about the amount of attention this case is attracting. I mean seriously, a juiced-up professional athlete offing one of his side pieces and then denying all accountability is hardly something new or out of the ordinary. Still, this shit drags on and everyone from FAS face toddlers to chain-smoking grannies are sitting with their dinner on their laps GLUED to the screen.
For those of you who – like me – have been avoiding this story like a herp-ridden peen, allow me to give you an abridged version of this mess in chronological order:
- Fistorius is born in 1986 with some weird-ass birth defect and his legs were amputated below the knee.
- A natural meathead, Fistorius participates in all that is sport at school.
- A serious knee injury (yes, he has knees asshole!) forces Fistorius to leave behind sports like rugby and take up running.
- Fistorius becomes a professional juiced douche.
- Fistorius dates blonde highlight enthusiast, Reeva Speenkamp (speen is Afrikaans for cow-tits).
- Blonde highlight enthusiast, Reeva Speenkamp, gives Fistorius some sass.
- Fistorius does to Speenkamp what professional juicers do to lippy hoes.
- When asked what the fuck happened by the police, Fistorius said “uuuuh…dunno”.
- Fistorius brings the D-R-A-M-A by going full Linda Blair during the murder trial.
All the while, those following the trial are subjected to a translator that makes you want to borrow Fistorius’s blades to slice your own ears off. While this shit is going on and on and on, here is a reminder of the days when the only guns we were concerned about were the ones attached to his shoulders:
A Nation Weeps: Madiba Passed Away Last Night
Posted: December 6, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities, Fuckery | Tags: Apartheid, Madiba, Nelson Mandela, Nelson Mandela dies, Politics, South Africa Leave a comment
Since last night was Phuza Thursday, I only learned of this sad news this morning when I dragged my Tassenberg-soaked corpse back into bed after taking a hangover-shit at 6am and seeing 10 sms’s from my overseas side-pieces sending me their condolences, like I knew the guy personally. And yes, I have hoes in different area codes – I’m classy like that. Speaking of which, you can imagine how sad I am about Madiba’s passing since, as a white 90’s teen, he was the reason I was allowed to love on black dick in post-1994 South Africa.
WEEP Rainbow Nation, weep your fucking eyes out! Not for his passing (because let’s face it the guy was pretty old and probably sick as fuck about the Papz sticking a Nikon in his face every time he so much as sneezed), but for the tidal wave of sheer fuckery that is going to follow. First of all, the fucking haters are going to take to their Isuzu’s and congregate at the local Stadsaal to strategise (under the guidance of St Steve) about how to survive the Night of the Long Knives. My god! I’m still waiting for the phone call from my granny, warning me about the impending doom the blacks will bring upon us…or maybe she found out about my love of African Python and decided that how I live my life is the way I should die…
Secondly, that clanging you hear is the sound of gold diggers far and wide picking up their shovels and digging like that shit is their J-O-B! The image above is just one such example. You will have shameless whores like Pillsbury Malema taking credit for Madiba’s work and sacrifices left, right and centre. You’ll see international tricks coming out of the woodwork and sending us their condolences like they knew who the fuck Madiba or South Africa was before today (cut to David Cameron signing a book of condolence on BBC News – THE FUCK is a book of condolence??). Lastly, but by no means the least, can you imagine the phonebill MTN is going to send the Mandela family for all those call to the accountant? That shit won’t be Ayoba! The Jacksons better take note! Michael didn’t have no Nobel Peace Prize OR any honorary doctorates…ALL the claws (read: shovels) are coming out, because there is money to be MADE bitch!
Farewell Tata. I’m thankful you don’t have to witness this fucking mess.
How Much Do We Care About Ream-me Short When He Doesn’t Have His Silky Smooth Pre-Cock Out?
Posted: November 7, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: #classy #cool #swagger, Abs, Amro Gabriels, ghetto, Instagram, Men, Mr South Africa, Ramey Short, Ream-me Short, Veet 1 Comment
The answer to the question posed to you above is “zero“. Nul, unothing, lutó, FUCK ALL! And if you are wondering what a pre-cock is, well that is the part of the stomach that is so tightly toned that it forms two diagonal lines that lead right to a gentleman’s fuck-part. For educational purposes, the pre-cock looks like this:
Keeping with the theme of redundant social practices, the picture of Veet For Men spokesperson above was taken at the 2013 Mr South Africa pageant (sidenote: alwauys remember the crucial hashtags when posting whateverthefuck on Instagram, namely #classy #cool #swagger). Why is this even a thing? Are companies actually sponsoring this mess? You know an even is ghetto as FUCK when the main sponsor has their landline number ON the actual backdrop used by the press. Oh wait, I forgot, we are actually supporting this…oops. Well, carry on then. I just hope that Ream-me doesn’t cause too much of a disruption, because you know with his torso covered up in a black suit (and him being as tall as an Oompa Loompa) bitches are going to be tripping over him all fucking night. Best get your shirt off or wear some reflective tape around your head Reamz! xx
BREAKING NEWS: Emo Adam’s Inability To Distinguish Between A Tweet And A DM Causes A Major MTN Server Meltdown
Posted: November 7, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Emo Adams, MTN, South Africa Leave a comment
Nataniël & Ramsay: Air-Humping Scene Take 792
Posted: September 26, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Checkers, Die Burger, Gordon Ramsay, Juanita du Plessis, Nataniël, South Africa Leave a comment
First off I have to say that I quite like Nataniël and I especially enjoy his coy you-might-know-steak-but-I-know-WORS-bitch face in this ad for Checkers.
I like Nataniël because I don’t feel my brain start to liquify at the mere thought of seeing him on TV – as I do with most South African celebrities (read: Juanita du Plessis). However, the article in Die Burger today, about the behind the scenes fuckery at the conjuring of this MESS, made me barf up pieces as big as the rump Gordon Ramsay is manhandling like the rump is still attached to the rentboy. Why, you ask? Well, it’s because the article is written in a way that makes it sound like Nataniël and Ramsay were eye-fucking and air-humping each other from across the room for the full 792 takes of this shit-show of an ad.
I don’t mind subtle innuendo intended for gutter-brained whores like myself, but when it involves this puss-filled ass-pimple I simply CAN’T. I didn’t think the UK could produce anything more vile than their last export to the USA, Simon That-Was-Just-Awful Cowell, but I was wrong! Times must be fucking TOUGH when our Lady of Wors agrees to work with this piece of Scottish trash. Ugh, and the way Die Burger makes it sound like GR was undressing Nataniël with his eyes while Nataniël was teasing GR in Afrikaans just made my stomach turn! Checkers should sue Die Burger’s ass for damages, because after reading this article the LAST thing you are going to think of doing is buy a big piece of meat when you see the ad. #VOM #Vegan.
Jeanette Akua Has Got The (UK) X-Factor
Posted: September 18, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Gary Barlow, Jeanette Akua, louis walsh, nicole scherzinger, Sharon Osbourne, South Africa, x-Factor UK, Xhosa Leave a comment
Channel 24 reports that Xhosa princess, Jeanette Akua, moved through to the boot-camp round of X-Factor UK after wowing the “judges” with her rendition of Bon Iver’s Skinny Love. “Judge” usually refers to an individual with in-depth knowledge of something (i.e. a legal system, or a specific profession) who is able to make an informed decision. I therefore put (X-Factor) “judges” in quotations since I seriously doubt that Jeanette auditioned for a role of stripper, Auto-Tune enthusiast or plastic surgery addict. If you are thinking: “but there are four ‘judges’?”, you are right, but I don’t know who that Silver Meerkat is, nor do I know what he does. So basically I think calling those four clowns judges is pushing it a bit.
Despite the abysmal judging process, Jeanette made it through and hopefully her inclusion in the girl band Stop, Drop and Bone Stop, Look and Listen wont cramp her style. I’m not an avid X-Factor watcher, but I’ve seen some of these British pram-face bitches on this show and I can only pray to the Ancestors that Jeanette gets some hoes HALF as talented as her in the group!
From everyone at Siesa Nyama, CONGRATS Jeanette! Break a leg (or a jaw, if necessary). We know you’ll make us proud!
South Africa’s Future Looks Bright
Posted: September 16, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Ackermans, Afrikaans, Biggy+Mouse, Coloured, Golf GTI, Idols SA, MESS, Ons ruk die ding, Rap, South Africa 1 Comment
I have seen into South Africa’s future and the future looks bright. Have you ever seen such raw talent? Such style?? Such grace??? Cancel Idols, because none of those hoes have got SHIT on Biggy+Mouse! Close all dental practices in the nation because teeth with which you can eat a mielie through a tennis racket is THE LOOK! And finally stop all production of new VW vehicles because you ain’t SHIT without a Golf2 GTI circa 1983!
Biggy+Mouse are not only trendsetters, they are PIONEERS! Who needs a video-ho oiled up and twerking in a bikini three sizes too small for her when you can have your hoes looking like the JUST stepped off an Ackermans shoot or like they just had Mouse’s snake in their mouse 5 minutes ago.
You don’t even have to understand Afrikaans to be able to appreciate this example of pure artistry. Big Sean and MC Hammer should not even THINK of suing for copyright infringement. If anything, Biggy+Mouse improved their respective songs by using the music in the TIGHTEST Afrikaans rap I have ever heard! Watch your back Jack Parow! Watch your back Snotkop! These boys are going to be BIG…well, bigger than they already are, that is…
Jub Jub Is Coughing Up Lies, Not Blood!
Posted: September 13, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Jub Jub, MESS, Molemo Maarohanye, Rudi Krause, Schabir Shaik, TB, Themba Tshabalala, Tuberculosis 1 Comment
In his latest role, Jub Jub is portraying the character of a terminally ill, misunderstood, poorly-treated-yet-still-productive member of South Africa’s musical elite. I’m not trying to be bitchy (read: I don’t have to try, hoes!), I’m just saying that for someone who is normally serving tight-as-fuck DAYTIME REALNESS this bitch is looking pretty fucking haggard of late. This is not the look! Skin which used to be as smooth and creamy as a chocolate Sterie Stumpie now looks like it’s being doused twice daily with neat Jeyes Fluid! Eyes that used to croon “gurl, I’m gonna be in you..” are now feebly moaning, “gurl, is that weave washable, cos BAAARF!” And the hair. That FUCKING hair!!!
News24 reports that in his third appeal for bail, with the assistance of Evil Incarnate, H. E. LLB: Rudi Krause, Jub Jub is claiming that he has contracted the fastest way to lose blood weight in prison outside getting shanked: TB, and needs to get out of the clink to get special medical care in a facility where someone WON’T try piss in his IV bag. Correctional services, however, is saying that Jubz and Rudi are filling the State’s ears with LIES and that after some tests Joobie and his crisp white hankie (no stains!) have been given a “clean bill of health“. Hmmm, I wonder where I’ve seen this fuckery before? … Oh yes, Didn’t that slippery motherfucker Schabir Shaik pull this SAME stunt when he needed to get his Get Out Of Jail Free Platinum Card courtesy of the parliament? Didn’t he get paroled because he was “terminally ill” only to be seen later playing a nice round of golf, and not even on the complimentary golf course attached to the luxury hospital he was “bed-ridden” in?
Even if his lawyer, Rudi Krause LLB MBChB, wasn’t pulling this TB crap out of his fart-hole, this still should not contribute to an argument for Joobie’s release on bail. Why? I’ll tell you why. If he really did have TB I’m convinced he would have gotten it from both he and Themba Tshabalala making the evening hours fly past with liberal use of the only supply of lube to be found inside those four thick, thick prison walls: other inmate’s phlegm. Well, at least it’s water-based! This dickwart is that shameless.
What Is Going On At The Gupta House?
Posted: September 12, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Dodgy as FUCK, Gupta family, Guptas, SAPS Leave a comment
Hardly anything trash-talk worthy happened in Mzansi today, so imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this little scrap of beautiful fuckery in the pile of off-cuts from Cher’s newest and “newsiest” wig (aka IOL). Apparently one of the Gupta’s 2 500 domestic servants was the mastermind behind a recent “robbery” that took place at their home in Johannesburg on Wednesday. I use the term “robbery” loosely since the estimated value of goods allegedly stolen from the Gupta home was a mere R1million. BITCH SAY WHAT?? If the robbers weren’t being such slobs and left the place in a state, then these rich hoes wouldn’t even have known they lost a rock!
But WAIT! The plot thickens! I just saw on eNCA that the Guptas have issued an official statement denying that said robbery took place. The fuck? The pigs are insisting that a robbery did take place at the Gupta residence in Houghton and that it is being investigated, but the Guptas said that they can “categorically state that none of their properties were robbed“. Categorically hey? Well shit. Then the cops MUST be mistaken. If you ask me, this is just a classic case of cops fucking up paperwork. I don’t think there is something dodgy going on here at all. I don’t think the Guptas are involved in anything that isn’t completely above board. Did the italics sufficiently convey my sarcasm? Keep on watching this space for more related fuckery…I don’t think we’ve heard the last of this mess.
Lady Gaga + Mother Teresa = Mrs Elana Afrika-Bredenkamp
Posted: September 9, 2013 Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: Applause, Big Issue, Elana Afrika, Hyundai, Kfm, Lady Gaga, Mother Teresa, South Africa, Vital 3 Comments
So usually, South African celebrities are about as exciting as an afternoon at the dentist. There are, however, a select few individuals at whom I simply cannot throw any shade (read: A SELECT FEW). One such individual, who always makes us gag on the sheer breadth of her ELEGANZA, is Miss Elana Afrika-Bredenkamp. She is an accomplished radio presenter, but is undeniably not a face for radio. Bitch turns it OUT whenever she’s on TV or sashaying down the red carpet. Gurl is the poster-ho for “Sell the garment darling!” However, this time she is not selling anything! Not a Hyundai, not Vital supplements, not even a Big Issue. This time she is giving shit away for free! Gratis! MAHALA!
Earlier today she posted on her Facebook page that she will be giving away the shoes, pictured above, she wore once to a launch of some sort. From what I understand you can tweet her ass at @ElanaAfrika, using the hashtag #ElanaShoes, and tell her why your trick ass should own dem shoes. Mother Teresa ain’t got SHIT on Mrs Afrika-Bredenkamp, all she ever gave out for free was Rosary beads and Catholic guilt!
Unfortunately my good-for-nothing parents didn’t practice the art of Chinese foot-binding at the opportune time, so my supersize man hooves would hardly fit into a size 5 dainty shoe. However, if you think you’ll be able to fit your nasty-ass claws into these, then get on your twatter and tweet a bitch ASAP! One note to Elana though: If you are going to refer to your shoes as “Lady Gaga numbers” then you need to make sure all spikes on said numbers are at least 3 to 4 times longer than the ones you have on these. Gaga won’t give ANY Applause to these tiny-ass gold-plated zits!
Siesa Nyama 
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