As the express train of pure fuckery, more widely known as the 2014 general elections, accelerates towards us at 9,81m/s2 political parties are making sure they secure your vote. As it is generally accepted self-whorring practice to make various empty promises, some parties are seemingly going against the grain by actually delivering on said promises! Ahawu!
From the nondescript image of a newspaper article tweeted by recently hulked-the-fuck-out radio beefcake Gareth Cliff (@GarethCliff), it would seem like the the Prez is showing us he is the HBIC by putting his (stolen tax) money where his (man-whore) mouth is. Creating opportunities for ladies of the night (naai-t) to peddle their wares is what democracy is all about! Keep up the good work ANC and keep making dem coins hunties!
PS, I would like to see Helen and Patricia to spearhead the opening of a couple new gay saunas across the nation in response to this!
Since last night was Phuza Thursday, I only learned of this sad news this morning when I dragged my Tassenberg-soaked corpse back into bed after taking a hangover-shit at 6am and seeing 10 sms’s from my overseas side-pieces sending me their condolences, like I knew the guy personally. And yes, I have hoes in different area codes – I’m classy like that. Speaking of which, you can imagine how sad I am about Madiba’s passing since, as a white 90’s teen, he was the reason I was allowed to love on black dick in post-1994 South Africa.
WEEP Rainbow Nation, weep your fucking eyes out! Not for his passing (because let’s face it the guy was pretty old and probably sick as fuck about the Papz sticking a Nikon in his face every time he so much as sneezed), but for the tidal wave of sheer fuckery that is going to follow. First of all, the fucking haters are going to take to their Isuzu’s and congregate at the local Stadsaal to strategise (under the guidance of St Steve) about how to survive the Night of the Long Knives. My god! I’m still waiting for the phone call from my granny, warning me about the impending doom the blacks will bring upon us…or maybe she found out about my love of African Python and decided that how I live my life is the way I should die…
Secondly, that clanging you hear is the sound of gold diggers far and wide picking up their shovels and digging like that shit is their J-O-B! The image above is just one such example. You will have shameless whores like Pillsbury Malema taking credit for Madiba’s work and sacrifices left, right and centre. You’ll see international tricks coming out of the woodwork and sending us their condolences like they knew who the fuck Madiba or South Africa was before today (cut to David Cameron signing a book of condolence on BBC News – THE FUCK is a book of condolence??). Lastly, but by no means the least, can you imagine the phonebill MTN is going to send the Mandela family for all those call to the accountant? That shit won’t be Ayoba! The Jacksons better take note! Michael didn’t have no Nobel Peace Prize OR any honorary doctorates…ALL the claws (read: shovels) are coming out, because there is money to be MADE bitch!
Farewell Tata. I’m thankful you don’t have to witness this fucking mess.
Looks like South Africa’s election silly season is starting early this time around, so prepare yourself for some top class political fuckery Mzansi! The South African general election is set for mid-2014 and newbie party Agang’s leader Dr Mamphela Ramphele (the gogo with the exquisitely glycerined hair pictured above), (who holds a doctorate in throwing shade at sluts) got the ball rolling by telling the world that she can pay her own bills bills bills and definitely don’t want no scrubs! 2Oceansvibe reports that Dr Ramphele has released a statement outlining her financial net worth and annual income. Subsequent to the statement about her personal financial situation Ramphele had this to say to our dearest Prez:
“I call on President Zuma to disclose his finances immediately. What is there to hide?”
While everyone is busy picking at every single ANC fuck up since 1994 (note: there are A LOT) like the infected scab on our country that they are, I’m more concerned with what Ma Zille has up her exquisite Foschini pants-suit loose cuff. My vote is, and always has been, for the lady who has not a single fuck to give about everyone else’s bullshit. I know it’s beneath her, but I NEED to see her do a big ass Democratic Alliance rally and perform this song about the ANC while Patricia de Lille twerks behind her:
Nothing quite says “Fuck you, I’m rich” with a capital FUCK, like a) driving a Maserati, b) driving said Maserati with no number plates, c) driving said Maserati with no number plates like the highway and every lane on it is your personal property and finally, d) claiming the police have “targeted” you unfairly because you are a “politician” when driving said Maserati with no number plates like the highway and every lane on it is your personal property led to its inevitable fucking conclusion. Yes, Tony Yengeni is back in the news, and has been found guilty on multiple charges of highway douchery. However, he claims he has merely been used as a pawn in some greater political bullshit. The usual line when the Po Po are at the door, and friends are few, is that “dark forces are moving against me!” Well, the only dark forces moving here are the sheer volume of shit pouring from this jita’s mouth! What is it with South African politicians and blaming the consequences of their douchery on the fact that they hold some office? Yes friends, this, like a South African politician in a grade of luxury car that most of us will never so much as sniff, nevermind afford is hardly an unusual sight on our national news highways.
2oceansvibe reported earlier this week that a Milk Stout being loosely gripped by Tony Yengeni was booked by the Po in Cape Town for not having a number plate and also being driven like a doos…because we all agree that it’s difficult operating a motor vehicle when you are mostly lips and pubes, right? A Po Po PR Poes (PPP) had the following to say about this colossal waste of everyone’s time:
They pulled him off for not displaying his front number plate, and as they were preparing to give him a fine, they discovered that the vehicle registration on his window had actually expired. He produced the number plate, which they said he must fix immediately. He had an updated disc with him, but he had failed to display it, so they gave him a R500 fine and a R300 alternative fine.
Naturally, the police are being completely unreasonable and are just picking on this poor man! Victimizing him just because he is an ANC National Executive Committee member (the final boss level of South African politics) does not mean that he lost his booze-given right to be a throbbing prolapse on the road like any other South African that is an ANC National Executive Committee member and hero of the Struggle (the struggle to walk in a straight line, that is). That shit is in the Constitution! …Oh wait, it’s not, you say? Oh, well, judging from how higher-up whores in Joburg and Pretoria treat the CBD like they’re playing GTA: Mzansi Mayhem (Sidebar: I would play the hell out of that game!) I just assumed it was. Guess the joke is on me. For me, read every other fucking user of South Africa’s roads.
Twatter users across the nation have been losing their shit after Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s Twatter account got SHUTTHEFUCKDOWN. The reason for the suspension of the handle @TutuLegacy was apparently “aggressive following”, but Twitter has since apologized for this faux pas committed by an automated system which was trying to purge the Twatter of spam or some shit. Twitter is apparently really sorry and is now feeling all the sads for doing a booboo and upsetting the maroon reincarnation of Gandhi.
I see you Twatter, playing the oh-fuck-we’re-sorry-it-must-be-a-computer-glitch card. NO BITCH. Don’t even try to be shady when I can see you in bed with Robert Mugabe fingering your butthole while whispering LIES in your ear. Seriously, if you wanted this story to stick, at least used a different reason than “aggressive following”. The Arch’s entire persona is about as “aggressive” as my flaccid peen after smoking some Transkei. The idea of the Arch being ANYTHING but sugar and spice and all things nice is about as believable as the suggestion that a post-coitus shower prevents HIV infection. Ho couldn’t be aggressive if he tried.
Anywhoo, the mess has apparently been sorted out so you can go ahead and #ff his monastic twitpics of happy township children playing with old tractor tyres. This just proves that no one is too old to take to Twatter. Don’t tell my gogo though, we already have enough pictures of seniors with their ugly ass Maltese on the internet!
Pictured above is professional Pillsbury Doughboy stunt double serving magnificent derp realness. This was taken during a tv interview or some shit and from the looks of things he decided to showcase his latest affiliation with the Economic Freedom Fighters, hence the stained sanitary towel on his head (I’m wondering if he has the matching “red sockses” or if he exchanged them for many different colours). Based on his latest remarks on land reform, but mostly based on my own astute observations, I have come to the conclusion that politicians wearing douchy hats are douchy, OBVI.
So according to News24 Pillsbury Malema said that “Anyone who resists the surrender of land will meet [with] the determination of the people…”. Playing Robin Hood is kinda rich for a shady ho who was found to have evaded tax in the area of R16 million, but OF COURSE silly SARS is just being silly and meddling in political matters. Silly SARS! To be fair though, if the tax man came and took away my mansion and farm (or in my case a GE Fridge-freezer circa 1984 and a cum stained mattress) I’d also start grabbing at other people’s shit!
I simply CAN’T with this abuse of rhetoric. I watched a video of this pee stain addressing some of his cuntstituents and not only did I find his butchering of the English language shocking (I mostly found his butchering of the English language shocking), but I also found him to be quite charismatic. This human piece of dick cheese makes completely unsupported allegations left and right, incites people who don’t know better and pleads racism whenever he is losing an argument (he always loses the argument) while in fact he’s probably the biggest racist I know (apart from my goggo of course – love you gogs!).
Fuck, what do I know?! Listen to me rambling on about land reform shit while I ain’t got no land to reform! I think I should stick to eating dicks and Julius the Doughboy should stick to evading tax. We both will piss a lot less people off if we just stick to what we know.