Knopkierie: Dean Geyer

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This week’s reason for you to go out and buy new panties on account of the ones you are wearing now being soiled with funny fluid is the only straight boy in NYADA, Dean Geyer. If you lazy whores put in the hours online like any self-respecting cyber-stalker would, then you’d have stumbled upon an interview of him speaking in the most soul-destroying South African accent. This is because this beautiful princess was born in South Africa, but was shipped over to down-under when the blacks took over (read: his parents obviously follow the teachings of St. Steve).

The prettiest boy in Glee was born in Jozie, but moved to Melbourne wile he was 15. There he went on to star in the reason the world hates Australia, the soapie Neighbours, and also compete on the Australian leg of Idols. This talented young is even signed by Sony BMG. With all the teeth whitening and brow shaping and tanning, WHERE does he find the time to record music?! Well, I suppose that’s all been put on hold since his latest venture is starring as uber chiseled NYADA Junior Brody Weston.

Why THE FUCK does Mzansi not have proper programming? If we had anything better than fucking Isidingo to offer South African actors, then maybe this exquisitely preened piece of meat would have brought his waxed and buffed man-nips back to the motherland to continue his acting career instead of going to America and pretending not to want to empty his bowels on set every time he has to do a goddam duet with Lea Michele. I blame the SABC…AND MNet…Useless motherfuckers. Anyway, in lieu of his presence in the country, here are some more visual material of said man-nips:

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Just Like His Serial Philandering, Steve Hofmeyr’s Delusion Knows No End

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I saw White Julius’s tweet shown above and, much to my regret, followed the link to the opinion piece about white privilege on his website. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a tendency to experience deep rage when you read blogs covered in solid chunks of bullshit permeating with delusion and misinformation then steer well clear of this mess.

Whether or not the mangled nature of the facts he cite, in this delicious racism-and-stupidity-cluster, is deliberate or simply the result of prolonged exposure to shitty Afrikaans music I don’t know. What I do know, is that I simply CAN’T with this level of fuckery. Bitch even quotes Marxist theory in his attempt to argue why he should feel proud of his forefathers colonizing Southern Africa. Note that when I say “quote” I actually mean “beat with a blunt object, violently ass-raped and smeared the blood, shit and cum mixture across our computer screens” (Too much? I think not).

This post is just another edition of the Steve-Hofmeyr-Series-Of-Rants-About-How-Whites-Have-Done-So-Much-For-The-Continent-And-Blacks-Have-Done-Nothing-And-Should-Be-Grateful-Rather-Than-Complaining.  But on a serious note though, I think we should all collectively thank Good Guy Steve for being nice to a black dude while doing your BDram at Tuks and braving the jocks calling him a “kafferboetiemoffie“. Take down the statue of Madiba in Sandton Square and erect one of St. Steve IMMEDIATELY!

Also, all economics, politics and sociology students in the country can drop out of their courses right now, because Steve will hook you all up. Who needs to pay for a BA PPE when all you need to do is follow St. Steve’s words of wisdom on his website for FREE?! This must be the kind of philanthropy Steve is referring to in his post when he talks about his forefathers building schools, hospitals, churches and universities! Keep up the good work Steve!

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Call PETA! Call Greenpeace!! Call the UN!!! After traumatizing all of Europe Jeannie D has set her sights on the poor defenseless animals of Botswana. – via Twatter

@jennifer_su doing what she does best. #Siphoning #the #fame #from #Blist #celebrities #while #posing #for #twitpics. – via Twatter

As usual, COSATU came up with a revolutionary and awe inspiring idea: Let’s all fuck up traffic in protest against people fucking up traffic. BRILLZ! – via News24

The IEC is actively trying to increase the amount of fucks the country’s youth give about voting. In case you were wondering, the number of current fucks given is not very high. – via Eyewitness News

BREAKING NEWS: The weather in Wales is shit. So shit, that the Millennium Stadium’s roof needs to be closed. How will we cope? – via News24 (Seriously News24? Seriously?!)

The answer to your question is yes. Yes we are very jealous Heat Magazine SA! #lustblackout. – via Heat Magazine SA

The reincarnation of Annie Lennox makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a tampon applicator. – via Twatter

Thanks for the update Rob! Good thing you told us about the shit service at a government department, otherwise we wouldn’t have known. Phew! – via Twatter

So apparently Mother Earth is being made into the environmental equivalent of a bukkake cumslut…and that is bad. – via Mail & Guardian

Oopsie. Looks like Ashanti Mbanga wont be getting to flash her organic 100% recyclable pussy to the Miss Earth International judges in the Philippines after all… :(. – via Times Live

 

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How Much Do We Care About Ream-me Short When He Doesn’t Have His Silky Smooth Pre-Cock Out?

Ramey MR SA

The answer to the question posed to you above is “zero“. Nul, unothing, lutó, FUCK ALL! And if you are wondering what a pre-cock is, well that is the part of the stomach that is so tightly toned that it forms two diagonal lines that lead right to a gentleman’s fuck-part. For educational purposes, the pre-cock looks like this:

Precock

Keeping with the theme of redundant social practices, the picture of Veet For Men spokesperson above was taken at the 2013 Mr South Africa pageant (sidenote: alwauys remember the crucial hashtags when posting whateverthefuck on Instagram, namely #classy #cool #swagger).  Why is this even a thing? Are companies actually sponsoring this mess? You know an even is ghetto as FUCK when the main sponsor has their landline number ON the actual backdrop used by the press. Oh wait, I forgot, we are actually supporting this…oops. Well, carry on then. I just hope that Ream-me doesn’t cause too much of a disruption, because you know with his torso covered up in a black suit (and him being as tall as an Oompa Loompa) bitches are going to be tripping over him all fucking night. Best get your shirt off or wear some reflective tape around your head Reamz! xx

 

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Miss Earth: When Archaic Social Practices And Current Issues Collide

Miss Earth

What in the entire fuck is the International Miss Earth competition you ask? Well, when I find out I will let you know. From the gloriously embellished and not brown-nosey at all article on ZA Gossip, I think it has got something to do with a bunch of hoes in skimpy 100% recycled frocks, putting their pussies on display in aid of Mother Earth…or some shit like that.

I have to apologize for the shitty photo quality of South Africa’s representative, Ashanti Mbanga, at this fair trade organic shit show. Looks like this mess which has reportedly “gained unprecedented traction over the years” didn’t have a big enough budget in it’s South African chapter to afford more than a Sony Ericsson K500 for the official photo shoot. Pity though, given than the South African Peacock population was driven to near extinction in order to make that fever dream on acid MESS she’s wearing!

Why are beauty pageants even still a thing?? This shit was started in an era when walking on the street with your baby-feeders could land a ho in jail. However, the hard work done by pioneers such as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus have paved the way for women everywhere to show their hush and honkers to anyone who wants to see (note: I am NOT one of those people). Even dressing this shit up as an environmental protection campaign does not take away from the fact that a bunch of bitches who didn’t make the cut for Miss World is now getting a second chance to flash their freshly waxed pussies (with bio-degradable wax strips if you please) for the cameras.

I can smell the bullshit bitches! And I don’t mean the environmentally friendly compost the competition is sponsored by…

 

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BREAKING NEWS: Emo Adam’s Inability To Distinguish Between A Tweet And A DM Causes A Major MTN Server Meltdown

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Daily Skid Marks

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What can make you barf in two languages? Jennifer Su at the #ShineandSkitter gala (read: The Bilingual Barf-Off) in a mess that looks like the bastard offspring of Leeloo’s bandages and something only Cher would wear. – via Twatter

Also strutting his stuff at the Bilingual Barf-Off is “designer” Gert-Johan Coetzee serving MEH realness in all the right places! Wrinkled grey cotton shirt with button holes in the collar – meh! Tiny tinfoil neck-propeller – meh!! Mediocre hair circa 2005 – MEH!!! – via Heat Magazine SA

I am 100% DONE with this fuckery: How does showing up at a formal event in short-shorts and a Miami Vice jacket, or a casual beach dress deserve the title of “fab lady”? How?? – via Heat Magazine SA

A story more unbelievable than accounts of a Tokoloshe harassing the women-folk in their pussy areas every night: A government department capable of managing expenditure and actually spending LESS than they were allowed to. – via IOL

Haji Mohamed Dawjee: Executive level shade thrown at the Prez. I tip my wig to you Haji. – via Mail & Guardian

Paaaaass da dutchie buck on da left hand side: A classic tale about South African politics. – via News24

I am very confused by claims of the poms questioning Pierre Spies. However, not confused enough to properly research it online. – via Twatter

What does the Marikana cluster-fuck from last year and my drinking habit have in common? Neither know when to STOP. This shit is apparently still news. – via News24

It started with pray-the-gay-away, then we had pray-the-tokoloshe-interrupting-my-child’s-studying-away, now it would seem we’ve got pray-the-murder-away. Yey Jesus! – via News24

The saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Not the STATE of this fan’s face, but seeing what Skeletor-looking, Clicks-makeup-wearing, oily-as-fuck MESS Bobbie van Jaarsveld is married to. All the sadz :'(. via – Twatter

Of all the things Africa needs most, ugly, over-priced sports cars are definitely at the top of the list. – via Eye Witness News

 

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