Say What You Will About The ANC, But Bitches DELIVER!

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As the express train of pure fuckery, more widely known as the 2014 general elections, accelerates towards us at 9,81m/s2 political parties are making sure they secure your vote. As it is generally accepted self-whorring practice to make various empty promises, some parties are seemingly going against the grain by actually delivering on said promises! Ahawu!

From the nondescript image of a newspaper article tweeted by recently hulked-the-fuck-out radio beefcake Gareth Cliff (@GarethCliff), it would seem like the the Prez is showing us he is the HBIC by putting his (stolen tax) money where his (man-whore) mouth is. Creating opportunities for ladies of the night (naai-t) to peddle their wares is what democracy is all about! Keep up the good work ANC and keep making dem coins hunties!

PS, I would like to see Helen and Patricia to spearhead the opening of a couple new gay saunas across the nation in response to this!

 

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The Prez Drags Our Lord And Saviour Into The MESS That Is South African Politics

Remember when I told you a while ago to brace yourselves for the fuckery the 2014 general election was going to bring? Well shit just got real! The Mail & Guardian reports that Jacob Zuma has gone from enabling the crucifixion of our justice system (shown above by Zapiro), to apparently dragging our Lord Jesus crucified and holy into his MESS.

If this blog seems to be written by an incoherent drunk, it is because the M&G article is full of so much fucking bullshit presented as if it is nothing out of the ordinary, that my head is spinning…or maybe it’s from those horse tranquilizers I just snorted in celebration of 100 posts…nope, it’s from this bullshit.  First of all, those shameless whores at M&G mangled and butchered The Prez’s original quote about “running the government forever” into a title which is much more eye-catching, i.e., double-fisting the word Jesus into it. Then, there is this sentence in this complete attention-whore of an article:

Repeated corruption scandals, increasing crime levels, poverty, high unemployment levels and internal bickering are hurting the ANC’s popularity.

Hurting? HURTING?! The level of fuckery bitches in the ANC have shown to be capable of, should have done nothing less than destroy the party completely. The NERVE to then go “door to door” on an election campaign! This motherfucker should all enter RuPauls’ Drag Race, because he clearly all posses charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (as is required for entry):

C  harisma – Getting dumb hoes to listen to them even though everything falling out of their talking holes are filthy, STD-ridden LIES!

U  niqueness – Show me other “democratic” politicians who OPENLY practice polygamy, have been TO COURT for rape, has OPENLY admitted to gay bashing and who has been REPEATEDLY been accused of some kind of corruption.

N  erve – The NERVE to show your fucking face in public and ask for votes after all your messes.

T   alent – Incomparable talent for lying, stealing, cheating, beating, etc.

Yes, The Prez sure has the C-U-N-T he needs to get re-elected! Finally, this MESS of an article mentions that NUMSA has announced that it will not be backing the ANC in the coming elections. Dafuq? I don’t know too much about politics (or anything for that matter), but where do unions fit in? Aren’t unions supposed to be concerned with representing workers? Why would a trade union feel the need to openly back a political party…or announce that the won’t, in this case? SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO LITTLE ANSWERS!

So between the blatant whorring on M&G’s part, The Prez’s C-U-N-T and this NUMSA business I feel like I need a lie down…next to a bucket!

 

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Happy 100th To Us!

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Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Mo’ Pussy, Mo’ Problems: King Zwelibanzi Dalindyebo

Pictured above is the face of a man who has NO FUCKS to give about pre-ordered pussay.  This man is the AbaThembu King, Zwelibanzi Dalindyebo. I have no idea who the AbaThembu is, I have even less of an idea who their King (apart from his name – OBVEE) is and these are all facts I am content with. What I can say, however, is that SA Breaking News reports that the Sovereign of the AbaThembu is serving piping hot SASS to any member of his family who tries to fix him up with a ho they deem appropriate to produce a royal heir.

I’m not going to pretend to understand the internal mechanics of any monarchy. Mainly because I’m still struggling to understand the internal mechanics of my own liver (I don’t understand why I keep waking up with a headache every time I guzzle a liter of Tas, can someone explain this to me??). If there is one thing I DO understand though, it’s SASS. I’ve been giving my parents “don’t MAKE me snap my fingers in Z-formation” since I could string whole sentences together and I definitely appreciate this quality in others. Saying “…if you want me to marry her so bad, why don’t YOU fuck her?!” to your family was TOTALLY included as part of my coming-out speech, but I decided to scrap that part.

I know a HBIC when I see one and King Zweli is the real deal! From telling his parents to ride the pointy end of his royal scepter, to calling The Prez on his bullshit, I think we can all take a page out of his book…the book he uses as rolling paper of course! You do you King Zweli! Savour the pussay you already have (which I understand is plentiful to begin with), don’t put up with family drama and keep on calling dumb bitches on their bullshit! #WERKBITCH

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter

In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24

Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe

One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live

E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News

Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:

– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets

– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man

– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock

– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit

Minister Angie Motshekga’s wig, in the category Serving Anne Hathaway Circa 2012 REALNESS

 

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Tuesday’s Too Easy

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Hmmmm, I do like me some silver fox… – The Guardian via Twatter

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Religious shit stains

…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter

Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa

I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News

With South Africans’ tenancy to blame their own shitty behaviour to demonic possession, I wonder how long it is going to take for this European wave of sheer fucktardery to his us. – via Times Live

 

Social shit stains

No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)

The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News

Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24

 

Educational shit stains

The Gogo of Chucky just can’t seem to get enough of fucking with the country’s education system. – via News24

The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian

The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News

 

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