AGANG-DA Scissor Fest CANCELLED
Posted: April 4, 2014 Filed under: Politics | Tags: African National Congress, ANC, DA, Democratic Alliance, Helen Zille, Mamphela Ramphele Leave a comment
I know this is utterly juvenile, but does the picture above remind anyone else of this scene from South Park? I don’t know at what stage of the will-they-wont-they dance of seduction this photo was taken (google images does not have a “show only pre-/post-scissor images” function). If I had to guess, this was taken before Ma Zille was lashing out at Ma Ramphele (‘s pussay, because kissing after munching on a glycerined vag is unsanitary and just not ladylike).
If, like me, you’ve been using your bandwidth solely for Grindr purposes these past few months then this image wont make ANY fucking sense. This image makes no sense, so allow me to explain. A few months back, these two ladies sealed a deal with a lipsmack (I’m not saying which lips got smacked, because I’m fucking classy), which would mean a party coalition between AGANG SA and the DA for the upcoming elections in May 2014.
As one would expect, party members and political commentators were unable to discuss this coalition without the discourse being laced with the stench of racial divide. Critics seemed to care more about Helen Zille being white than the fact that she was actually an active fighter against Apartheid. SIGH. Whether mounting pressures from all angles resulted in the eventual split, we’ll probably never know. What we do know, however, is that the power pair in pants suits is now 100% DONE with each other.
I think this is a fucking travesty. Announcing Ramphele as presidential candidate actually gave the DA a fighting chance against those thieving bastards who call themselves the ANC. DOUBLE SIGH. I need to go funnel a bottle of Tas now.
Say What You Will About The ANC, But Bitches DELIVER!
Posted: January 14, 2014 Filed under: Politics | Tags: African National Congress, ANC, elections2014, hookers, IEC, Politics, Prostitution, South Africa Leave a comment
As the express train of pure fuckery, more widely known as the 2014 general elections, accelerates towards us at 9,81m/s2 political parties are making sure they secure your vote. As it is generally accepted self-whorring practice to make various empty promises, some parties are seemingly going against the grain by actually delivering on said promises! Ahawu!
From the nondescript image of a newspaper article tweeted by recently hulked-the-fuck-out radio beefcake Gareth Cliff (@GarethCliff), it would seem like the the Prez is showing us he is the HBIC by putting his (stolen tax) money where his (man-whore) mouth is. Creating opportunities for ladies of the night (naai-t) to peddle their wares is what democracy is all about! Keep up the good work ANC and keep making dem coins hunties!
PS, I would like to see Helen and Patricia to spearhead the opening of a couple new gay saunas across the nation in response to this!
The Prez Drags Our Lord And Saviour Into The MESS That Is South African Politics
Posted: January 8, 2014 Filed under: Politics | Tags: African National Congress, ANC, CUNT, Drag, Election 2014, Jacob Zuma, Numsa, RuPaul, RuPaul's Drag Race, South Africa, Zapiro Leave a comment
Remember when I told you a while ago to brace yourselves for the fuckery the 2014 general election was going to bring? Well shit just got real! The Mail & Guardian reports that Jacob Zuma has gone from enabling the crucifixion of our justice system (shown above by Zapiro), to apparently dragging our Lord Jesus crucified and holy into his MESS.
If this blog seems to be written by an incoherent drunk, it is because the M&G article is full of so much fucking bullshit presented as if it is nothing out of the ordinary, that my head is spinning…or maybe it’s from those horse tranquilizers I just snorted in celebration of 100 posts…nope, it’s from this bullshit. First of all, those shameless whores at M&G mangled and butchered The Prez’s original quote about “running the government forever” into a title which is much more eye-catching, i.e., double-fisting the word Jesus into it. Then, there is this sentence in this complete attention-whore of an article:
Repeated corruption scandals, increasing crime levels, poverty, high unemployment levels and internal bickering are hurting the ANC’s popularity.
Hurting? HURTING?! The level of fuckery bitches in the ANC have shown to be capable of, should have done nothing less than destroy the party completely. The NERVE to then go “door to door” on an election campaign! This motherfucker should all enter RuPauls’ Drag Race, because he clearly all posses charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (as is required for entry):
C harisma – Getting dumb hoes to listen to them even though everything falling out of their talking holes are filthy, STD-ridden LIES!
U niqueness – Show me other “democratic” politicians who OPENLY practice polygamy, have been TO COURT for rape, has OPENLY admitted to gay bashing and who has been REPEATEDLY been accused of some kind of corruption.
N erve – The NERVE to show your fucking face in public and ask for votes after all your messes.
T alent – Incomparable talent for lying, stealing, cheating, beating, etc.
Yes, The Prez sure has the C-U-N-T he needs to get re-elected! Finally, this MESS of an article mentions that NUMSA has announced that it will not be backing the ANC in the coming elections. Dafuq? I don’t know too much about politics (or anything for that matter), but where do unions fit in? Aren’t unions supposed to be concerned with representing workers? Why would a trade union feel the need to openly back a political party…or announce that the won’t, in this case? SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO LITTLE ANSWERS!
So between the blatant whorring on M&G’s part, The Prez’s C-U-N-T and this NUMSA business I feel like I need a lie down…next to a bucket!
Daily Skid Marks
Posted: November 7, 2013 Filed under: Daily Skid Marks | Tags: ANC, ANCYL, Bobbie van Jaarsveld, Cher, Daily Skid Marks, Diepsloot, Gert-Johan Coetzee, Jacob Zuma, Jennifer Su, Marikana, Oscars, Pierre Spies, Porche, ShineSkitter gala, ShineSkitter2013, South Africa, tokoloshe Leave a comment
What can make you barf in two languages? Jennifer Su at the #ShineandSkitter gala (read: The Bilingual Barf-Off) in a mess that looks like the bastard offspring of Leeloo’s bandages and something only Cher would wear. – via Twatter
Also strutting his stuff at the Bilingual Barf-Off is “designer” Gert-Johan Coetzee serving MEH realness in all the right places! Wrinkled grey cotton shirt with button holes in the collar – meh! Tiny tinfoil neck-propeller – meh!! Mediocre hair circa 2005 – MEH!!! – via Heat Magazine SA
I am 100% DONE with this fuckery: How does showing up at a formal event in short-shorts and a Miami Vice jacket, or a casual beach dress deserve the title of “fab lady”? How?? – via Heat Magazine SA
A story more unbelievable than accounts of a Tokoloshe harassing the women-folk in their pussy areas every night: A government department capable of managing expenditure and actually spending LESS than they were allowed to. – via IOL
Haji Mohamed Dawjee: Executive level shade thrown at the Prez. I tip my wig to you Haji. – via Mail & Guardian
Paaaaass da dutchie buck on da left hand side: A classic tale about South African politics. – via News24
I am very confused by claims of the poms questioning Pierre Spies. However, not confused enough to properly research it online. – via Twatter
What does the Marikana cluster-fuck from last year and my drinking habit have in common? Neither know when to STOP. This shit is apparently still news. – via News24
It started with pray-the-gay-away, then we had pray-the-tokoloshe-interrupting-my-child’s-studying-away, now it would seem we’ve got pray-the-murder-away. Yey Jesus! – via News24
The saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Not the STATE of this fan’s face, but seeing what Skeletor-looking, Clicks-makeup-wearing, oily-as-fuck MESS Bobbie van Jaarsveld is married to. All the sadz :'(. via – Twatter
Of all the things Africa needs most, ugly, over-priced sports cars are definitely at the top of the list. – via Eye Witness News
Daily Skid Marks
Posted: September 24, 2013 Filed under: Daily Skid Marks | Tags: Agang SA, ANC, Bobby van Jaarsveld, Daily Skid Marks, Durban, Elana Afrika, Gareth Cliff, Idols SA, Jacob Zuma, Mamphela Ramphele, McCord hospital, MTN 8 Final, Orlando Pirates, Schalk Burger, United Nations, Zakumi Leave a comment
Gareth Cliff is the least pretentious judge on Idols SA. In related news, the Top 10 finalists of Idols SA has been decided. – via Twatter
The ANC does everything in their power to avoid the closure of a 103-year-old hospital in Durban as a result of shitty management (i.e. they urge the board to reconsider their decision). – via News24
Elana Afrika supports teaching the next generation of South Africans hoin’ skills from a very young age. This is a cause I can get behind! – via Twatter
Bobby van Jaarsveld shows us the deserted walkway where he takes shots to the face at night (that’s what a “night shoot” is right?). – via Twatter
I can’t believe Orlando Pirates even have the nerve to consider playing in the MTN 8 final while Zakumi is still in a tik-induced coma. – via Mail & Guardian
Dr Mamphela Ramphele, shade throwing extraordinaire and glycerine enthusiast, is keeping the political fuckery going by stating the painfully obvious. – via News24
People are loosing their SHIT over WiFi spots. – via News24
The Prez calls the United Nations Security Council “outdated”. Kinda rich for someone who has hoes in different area codes as per his Zulu tradition. – via News24
The most beautiful man in rugby is back in his jock-strap. – via Twatter
Daily Skid Marks
Posted: September 23, 2013 Filed under: Daily Skid Marks | Tags: ANC, ANN7, Bloods, Cosatu, Crips, Daily Skid Marks, Denel, Gupta, Jacob Zuma, Jeannie D, Julius Malema, Kenya, Nelson Mandela, NSA, Obama, Rajesh Sundaram, Rashied Staggie, SAPS, South Africa, South African Satellite, Top Billing, Top Travel, Washington DC, Waterkloof Four 1 Comment
Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian
The Crips and the Bloods ain’t got SHIT on what’s about to go down in Cape Town now that Mad Dog Staggie is out on day parole. – via News24
Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live
The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live
Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24
Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live
Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live
Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe
Jeannie D adds her midriff to her arsenal of Europe-terrorizing instruments. – via Instagram
ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24
Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe
Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip
Daily Skid Marks
Posted: September 16, 2013 Filed under: Daily Skid Marks | Tags: ANC, Bismarck du Plessis, Cape Town, Cosatu, Elana Afrika, Election 2014, Greg Peters, Hawks, Jacob Zuma, Kurt Darren, Montlenyane Diphoko, nopatazana, Pierre Spies, Romain, SABC, Sanzar, SAPS, Sharknado, Tour de France, Zwelinzima Vavi Leave a comment
Vavi apologizes for calling his ladyboy hooker a girl (nopatazana). – via Mail & Guardian
First South African to ride in the Tour de France decides to quit that shit before the jig is up! – via News24
I can honestly say I would rather be violently raped with a rusty spoon than attend a Kunt Darren concern. However, if you disagree, here are some deets. – via Twitter
Pierre Spies is amazed by a photo of himself. Welcome to our world Pierre! – via Twitter
Morris the Tokoloshe getting into the festive season. – via Twitter
SANZAR CEO, Greg Peters, comments on that cunt Romain Poite being a meanie to our Bissie. – via Soundcloud
Bissie’s record has been cleansed of that vile Romain Poite’s shitty reffing. – via Times Live
Auditions for Sharknado: South Africa now open! – via ZAGossip
File under “news of the painfully obvious”: The Prez is delusional an uninformed. – via 2Oceansvibe
Election 2014 Manifesto: “The manifesto forums seek to provide an opportunity for the ANC to interact with our people on progress made and challenges confronted in creating a South Africa that is better today than it was in 1994 make false promises in a desperate attempt to win votes despite appalling governance”. – via Times Live
Ian Bredenkamp knows where its at! – via Twitter
Gareth Cliff needs to work on his sales pitch. – via Twitter
SABC editor, Montlenyane Diphoko, shows all South Africans that you can do any-FUCKING-thing you want, as long as you have a good enough lawyer. Keep up the good work Monty! – via Sowetan Live
The Hawks being a division of the SA Police Service is not stupid and is not a recipe for political interference you dummies: Kemp. – via Time Live
DA – 1, ANC – 0 (IOL – 0 for double negative): Cape Town least unequal SA city. – via IOL
Some trick with dainty-ass hooves finally won the #ElanaShoes! – via Twitter
The Political Fuckery Is Steadily Reaching Terminal Velocity
Posted: August 26, 2013 Filed under: Politics | Tags: ANC, DA, Helen Zille, Jacob Zuma, Jurie Els, National Prosecuting Authority, NPA, Robbie Klay, Spy tapes Leave a comment
After you’ve taken a moment to appreciate the supreme side-eye Zillz is throwing at the Prez, I hate to be the one who says “I told you so” (read: I fucking LOVE IT), but… I told you so. As we slowly approach the due date for Celebrity Death Match: Mzansi Edition (aka the presidential election), South African politicians are grasping at every piece of skidmark-stained undies in an attempt to discredit each other. In the red corner we have distinguished wife collector, and current President, Jacob Zuma. In the blue corner we have the face of Foschini’s pants-suit department, and DA leader, Helen Zille. These two ho’s have been at each others’ throats like two Gugulethu mongrels since the word no (NOT a typo, because “NO” is the only word I associate with South African politics). According to News24, the latest in a continuous line of wet-queefs in each others’ direction is the DA insisting that the National Prosecuting Authority release alleged sex tapes spy tapes to them. Apparently these spy tapes have got some dish on why the fraud and corruption charges against Jacob Zuma got dropped, quicker than a High School girlfriend during Varsity RAG week, back in 2009.
I really hope the NPA does hand over these tapes to the DA and I also hope those whores share the dirt with the rest of us. We haven’t had a good scandal since Robbie Klay appeared on national television with a mullet claiming that Jurie Els (who doesn’t have a pedo-face AT ALL) touched his no-place. Also, there better be some good shit on those tapes or I’m going to be pissed! If it turns out those “spy tapes” are just recordings of Zuma’s sister wives having a bukkake party with the neighbours I am going to have a BITCH FIT!
Brace Yourself, Intense Fuckery Is Coming
Posted: August 23, 2013 Filed under: Politics | Tags: Agang, ANC, Democratic Alliance, Helen Zille, Jacob Zuma, Mamphela Ramphele, Politics, Ratchet, Zeds Dead 3 Comments
Looks like South Africa’s election silly season is starting early this time around, so prepare yourself for some top class political fuckery Mzansi! The South African general election is set for mid-2014 and newbie party Agang’s leader Dr Mamphela Ramphele (the gogo with the exquisitely glycerined hair pictured above), (who holds a doctorate in throwing shade at sluts) got the ball rolling by telling the world that she can pay her own bills bills bills and definitely don’t want no scrubs! 2Oceansvibe reports that Dr Ramphele has released a statement outlining her financial net worth and annual income. Subsequent to the statement about her personal financial situation Ramphele had this to say to our dearest Prez:
“I call on President Zuma to disclose his finances immediately. What is there to hide?”
While everyone is busy picking at every single ANC fuck up since 1994 (note: there are A LOT) like the infected scab on our country that they are, I’m more concerned with what Ma Zille has up her exquisite Foschini pants-suit loose cuff. My vote is, and always has been, for the lady who has not a single fuck to give about everyone else’s bullshit. I know it’s beneath her, but I NEED to see her do a big ass Democratic Alliance rally and perform this song about the ANC while Patricia de Lille twerks behind her:
The Po-Po Are Being Meanies To Tony Yengeni Who Just Wants To Drive His Car, FFS
Posted: August 14, 2013 Filed under: Politics | Tags: ANC, Arrest, Cape Town, Cops, douche bag, hit and run, Police, Politics, Road Rage, South Africa, Tony Yengeni 1 Comment
Nothing quite says “Fuck you, I’m rich” with a capital FUCK, like a) driving a Maserati, b) driving said Maserati with no number plates, c) driving said Maserati with no number plates like the highway and every lane on it is your personal property and finally, d) claiming the police have “targeted” you unfairly because you are a “politician” when driving said Maserati with no number plates like the highway and every lane on it is your personal property led to its inevitable fucking conclusion. Yes, Tony Yengeni is back in the news, and has been found guilty on multiple charges of highway douchery. However, he claims he has merely been used as a pawn in some greater political bullshit. The usual line when the Po Po are at the door, and friends are few, is that “dark forces are moving against me!” Well, the only dark forces moving here are the sheer volume of shit pouring from this jita’s mouth! What is it with South African politicians and blaming the consequences of their douchery on the fact that they hold some office? Yes friends, this, like a South African politician in a grade of luxury car that most of us will never so much as sniff, nevermind afford is hardly an unusual sight on our national news highways.
2oceansvibe reported earlier this week that a Milk Stout being loosely gripped by Tony Yengeni was booked by the Po in Cape Town for not having a number plate and also being driven like a doos…because we all agree that it’s difficult operating a motor vehicle when you are mostly lips and pubes, right? A Po Po PR Poes (PPP) had the following to say about this colossal waste of everyone’s time:
They pulled him off for not displaying his front number plate, and as they were preparing to give him a fine, they discovered that the vehicle registration on his window had actually expired. He produced the number plate, which they said he must fix immediately. He had an updated disc with him, but he had failed to display it, so they gave him a R500 fine and a R300 alternative fine.
Naturally, the police are being completely unreasonable and are just picking on this poor man! Victimizing him just because he is an ANC National Executive Committee member (the final boss level of South African politics) does not mean that he lost his booze-given right to be a throbbing prolapse on the road like any other South African that is an ANC National Executive Committee member and hero of the Struggle (the struggle to walk in a straight line, that is). That shit is in the Constitution! …Oh wait, it’s not, you say? Oh, well, judging from how higher-up whores in Joburg and Pretoria treat the CBD like they’re playing GTA: Mzansi Mayhem (Sidebar: I would play the hell out of that game!) I just assumed it was. Guess the joke is on me. For me, read every other fucking user of South Africa’s roads.
Siesa Nyama 
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