I know this is utterly juvenile, but does the picture above remind anyone else of this scene from South Park? I don’t know at what stage of the will-they-wont-they dance of seduction this photo was taken (google images does not have a “show only pre-/post-scissor images” function). If I had to guess, this was taken before Ma Zille was lashing out at Ma Ramphele (‘s pussay, because kissing after munching on a glycerined vag is unsanitary and just not ladylike).
If, like me, you’ve been using your bandwidth solely for Grindr purposes these past few months then this image wont make ANY fucking sense. This image makes no sense, so allow me to explain. A few months back, these two ladies sealed a deal with a lipsmack (I’m not saying which lips got smacked, because I’m fucking classy), which would mean a party coalition between AGANG SA and the DA for the upcoming elections in May 2014.
As one would expect, party members and political commentators were unable to discuss this coalition without the discourse being laced with the stench of racial divide. Critics seemed to care more about Helen Zille being white than the fact that she was actually an active fighter against Apartheid. SIGH. Whether mounting pressures from all angles resulted in the eventual split, we’ll probably never know. What we do know, however, is that the power pair in pants suits is now 100% DONE with each other.
I think this is a fucking travesty. Announcing Ramphele as presidential candidate actually gave the DA a fighting chance against those thieving bastards who call themselves the ANC. DOUBLE SIGH. I need to go funnel a bottle of Tas now.
As the express train of pure fuckery, more widely known as the 2014 general elections, accelerates towards us at 9,81m/s2 political parties are making sure they secure your vote. As it is generally accepted self-whorring practice to make various empty promises, some parties are seemingly going against the grain by actually delivering on said promises! Ahawu!
From the nondescript image of a newspaper article tweeted by recently hulked-the-fuck-out radio beefcake Gareth Cliff (@GarethCliff), it would seem like the the Prez is showing us he is the HBIC by putting his (stolen tax) money where his (man-whore) mouth is. Creating opportunities for ladies of the night (naai-t) to peddle their wares is what democracy is all about! Keep up the good work ANC and keep making dem coins hunties!
PS, I would like to see Helen and Patricia to spearhead the opening of a couple new gay saunas across the nation in response to this!
Remember when I told you a while ago to brace yourselves for the fuckery the 2014 general election was going to bring? Well shit just got real! The Mail & Guardian reports that Jacob Zuma has gone from enabling the crucifixion of our justice system (shown above by Zapiro), to apparently dragging our Lord Jesus crucified and holy into his MESS.
If this blog seems to be written by an incoherent drunk, it is because the M&G article is full of so much fucking bullshit presented as if it is nothing out of the ordinary, that my head is spinning…or maybe it’s from those horse tranquilizers I just snorted in celebration of 100 posts…nope, it’s from this bullshit. First of all, those shameless whores at M&G mangled and butchered The Prez’s original quote about “running the government forever” into a title which is much more eye-catching, i.e., double-fisting the word Jesus into it. Then, there is this sentence in this complete attention-whore of an article:
Repeated corruption scandals, increasing crime levels, poverty, high unemployment levels and internal bickering are hurting the ANC’s popularity.
Hurting? HURTING?! The level of fuckery bitches in the ANC have shown to be capable of, should have done nothing less than destroy the party completely. The NERVE to then go “door to door” on an election campaign! This motherfucker should all enter RuPauls’ Drag Race, because he clearly all posses charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (as is required for entry):
C harisma – Getting dumb hoes to listen to them even though everything falling out of their talking holes are filthy, STD-ridden LIES!
U niqueness – Show me other “democratic” politicians who OPENLY practice polygamy, have been TO COURT for rape, has OPENLY admitted to gay bashing and who has been REPEATEDLY been accused of some kind of corruption.
N erve – The NERVE to show your fucking face in public and ask for votes after all your messes.
T alent – Incomparable talent for lying, stealing, cheating, beating, etc.
Yes, The Prez sure has the C-U-N-T he needs to get re-elected! Finally, this MESS of an article mentions that NUMSA has announced that it will not be backing the ANC in the coming elections. Dafuq? I don’t know too much about politics (or anything for that matter), but where do unions fit in? Aren’t unions supposed to be concerned with representing workers? Why would a trade union feel the need to openly back a political party…or announce that the won’t, in this case? SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO LITTLE ANSWERS!
So between the blatant whorring on M&G’s part, The Prez’s C-U-N-T and this NUMSA business I feel like I need a lie down…next to a bucket!
What can make you barf in two languages? Jennifer Su at the #ShineandSkitter gala (read: The Bilingual Barf-Off) in a mess that looks like the bastard offspring of Leeloo’s bandages and something only Cher would wear. – via Twatter
Also strutting his stuff at the Bilingual Barf-Off is “designer” Gert-Johan Coetzee serving MEH realness in all the right places! Wrinkled grey cotton shirt with button holes in the collar – meh! Tiny tinfoil neck-propeller – meh!! Mediocre hair circa 2005 – MEH!!! – via Heat Magazine SA
A story more unbelievable than accounts of a Tokoloshe harassing the women-folk in their pussy areas every night: A government department capable of managing expenditure and actually spending LESS than they were allowed to. – via IOL
Haji Mohamed Dawjee: Executive level shade thrown at the Prez. I tip my wig to you Haji. – via Mail & Guardian
dutchie buck on da left hand side: A classic tale about South African politics. – via News24
I am very confused by claims of the poms questioning Pierre Spies. However, not confused enough to properly research it online. – via Twatter
It started with pray-the-gay-away, then we had pray-the-tokoloshe-interrupting-my-child’s-studying-away, now it would seem we’ve got pray-the-murder-away. Yey Jesus! – via News24
The saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Not the STATE of this fan’s face, but seeing what Skeletor-looking, Clicks-makeup-wearing, oily-as-fuck MESS Bobbie van Jaarsveld is married to. All the sadz :'(. via – Twatter
Of all the things Africa needs most, ugly, over-priced sports cars are definitely at the top of the list. – via Eye Witness News
Gareth Cliff is the least pretentious judge on Idols SA. In related news, the Top 10 finalists of Idols SA has been decided. – via Twatter
The ANC does everything in their power to avoid the closure of a 103-year-old hospital in Durban as a result of shitty management (i.e. they urge the board to reconsider their decision). – via News24
Elana Afrika supports teaching the next generation of South Africans hoin’ skills from a very young age. This is a cause I can get behind! – via Twatter
Bobby van Jaarsveld shows us the deserted walkway where he takes shots to the face at night (that’s what a “night shoot” is right?). – via Twatter
Dr Mamphela Ramphele, shade throwing extraordinaire and glycerine enthusiast, is keeping the political fuckery going by stating the painfully obvious. – via News24
People are loosing their SHIT over WiFi spots. – via News24
The Prez calls the United Nations Security Council “outdated”. Kinda rich for someone who has hoes in different area codes as per his Zulu tradition. – via News24
The most beautiful man in rugby is back in his jock-strap. – via Twatter
Lest we forget, our national police service being about as transparent and ethical as a Somalian War Lord. – via Mail & Guardian
Can someone please tell Cosatu to just SHUTTHEFUCKUP? – via Time Live
The holiest of holy: Pillsbury Malema (aka black jesus) bites the hand that used to force-feed him and shits where he used to life. Has his knowledge and wisdom no end?! – via Times Live
Half of the Waterkloof Four back in the clink. – via News24
Parliamentary level fuckery continues as the 2014 national election draws closer. – via Times Live
Thirsty bitches try to use funds allocated for disaster relief to line their own pockets. Wait till black jesus finds out about this! SMITE SMITE SMITE! – via Times Live
Looks like the tricks at the Departments of Science and Technology and Trade Industry have taken a page out of Obama’s book. “South Africa’s access to and control over its own satellites will ensure advanced surveillance and reconnaissance capabilities“. Mother fuckers! – via 2Oceansvibe
ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: The entire country is smoking massive amounts of tik. Or at least that is the only explanation I can think of for the Prez’s approval ratings rising. – via News24
Ex-senior editor of the national news fuckery ANN7, Rajesh Sundaram, is taking a page from black jesus’s book and plans on biting the hand that fed him for “a dreadful three months“. – via 2Oceansvibe
Washington DC gets served 3 meter high Mandela REALNESS. – via ZAGossip
Vavi apologizes for calling his ladyboy hooker a girl (nopatazana). – via Mail & Guardian
I can honestly say I would rather be violently raped with a rusty spoon than attend a Kunt Darren concern. However, if you disagree, here are some deets. – via Twitter
Pierre Spies is amazed by a photo of himself. Welcome to our world Pierre! – via Twitter
Morris the Tokoloshe getting into the festive season. – via Twitter
Bissie’s record has been cleansed of that vile Romain Poite’s shitty reffing. – via Times Live
Auditions for Sharknado: South Africa now open! – via ZAGossip
File under “news of the painfully obvious”: The Prez is delusional an uninformed. – via 2Oceansvibe
Election 2014 Manifesto: “The manifesto forums seek to provide an opportunity for the ANC to
interact with our people on progress made and challenges confronted in creating a South Africa that is better today than it was in 1994 make false promises in a desperate attempt to win votes despite appalling governance”. – via Times Live
Ian Bredenkamp knows where its at! – via Twitter
Gareth Cliff needs to work on his sales pitch. – via Twitter
SABC editor, Montlenyane Diphoko, shows all South Africans that you can do any-FUCKING-thing you want, as long as you have a good enough lawyer. Keep up the good work Monty! – via Sowetan Live
The Hawks being a division of the SA Police Service is not stupid and is not a recipe for political interference you dummies: Kemp. – via Time Live
DA – 1, ANC – 0 (IOL – 0 for double negative): Cape Town least unequal SA city. – via IOL
Some trick with dainty-ass hooves finally won the #ElanaShoes! – via Twitter