Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Vavi apologizes for calling his ladyboy hooker a girl (nopatazana). – via Mail & Guardian

First South African to ride in the Tour de France decides to quit that shit before the jig is up! – via News24

I can honestly say I would rather be violently raped with a rusty spoon than attend a Kunt Darren concern. However, if you disagree, here are some deets. – via Twitter

Pierre Spies is amazed by a photo of himself. Welcome to our world Pierre! – via Twitter

Morris the Tokoloshe getting into the festive season. – via Twitter

SANZAR CEO, Greg Peters, comments on that cunt Romain Poite being a meanie to our Bissie. – via Soundcloud

Bissie’s record has been cleansed of that vile Romain Poite’s shitty reffing. – via Times Live

Auditions for Sharknado: South Africa now open! – via ZAGossip

File under “news of the painfully obvious”: The Prez is delusional an uninformed. – via 2Oceansvibe

Election 2014 Manifesto: “The manifesto forums seek to provide an opportunity for the ANC to interact with our people on progress made and challenges confronted in creating a South Africa that is better today than it was in 1994 make false promises in a desperate attempt to win votes despite appalling governance”. – via Times Live

Ian Bredenkamp knows where its at! – via Twitter

Gareth Cliff needs to work on his sales pitch. – via Twitter

SABC editor, Montlenyane Diphoko, shows all South Africans that you can do any-FUCKING-thing you want, as long as you have a good enough lawyer. Keep up the good work Monty! – via Sowetan Live

The Hawks being a division of the SA Police Service is not stupid and is not a recipe for political interference you dummies: Kemp. – via Time Live

DA – 1, ANC – 0 (IOL – 0 for double negative): Cape Town least unequal SA city. – via IOL

Some trick with dainty-ass hooves finally won the #ElanaShoes! – via Twitter

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo4

Tumi Lesejan turns Randall Abrahams’s ice-sickle-dick into a warm fleshy boner. – via ZAGossip

And so the vultures start to circle. Have you no fucking shame ya thirsty whores?! – via IOL

The radio hostess with the most-ess wants all of you to spill the tea. For those of you who don’t speak drag, he wants you to #RevealASecret. – via Twitter

DEMON OUT: Some church in Limpopo shows us the way, namely that professional psychiatric care ain’t got SHIT on prayer. PRAISE JESUS! – via Times Live

Kendrick Lamar’s tour of South Africa has been postponed. In related news: who the fuck is Kendrick Lamar? – via Zalebs

Someone get on the phone to Ripley’s Believe it or Not! A school in rural KZN DOESN’T have a 0% pass-rate! – via Mail & Guardian

ARTpopcock: South African artist, Steve Cohen, shows the French the true meaning of ART. – via ZAGossip

Jub Jub shows South Africa that his douchery knows NO limits: Claims he’s contracted TB due to poor care. – via Huisgenoot

Roxy Louw will star in a local production of Disney’s Teen Bitch Movie. – via ZAGossip

The Debora Patta of pop culture once again serves some unsuspecting hoes the read of their lives! – via 2Oceansvibe

#LOL: Bitches are still pissed off about the whole Guptagate “scandal”. – via News24

Stop being such greedy fucking whores! So says Anton Roelofse. – via Fin24

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo3

And the Marikana mine saga goes on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooon. – via News24

Looks like South Africa’s mass delusion that changing a street name will make any difference has been upped by a few clicks. PLACE names are changing now and 2Oceansvibe have jumped on the bandwagon. Is no hood safe? – via Twitter

The Mail & Guardian is not asking the right questions. They should be asking a) When did the Hawks get reassembled? and b) Why can’t everyone just fucking leave Madiba alone? – via Twitter

Let it be written! People from far and wide will come to Cape Town only to suffocate to death as hoes on the street whip up dense clouds of coloured powder for them to run through! Verily! – via Facebook

STOP THE PRESSES! Half nose, half authentic Italian Salami, Patrizio Buanne, is on Top Billing tonight! – via Twitter

Hougi and Steyna shows us what they are going to do to each other in the hotel room after the wedding reception. – via Twitter

South Africa’s national women’s cricket team beat Bangladesh.  How the fuck do you operate a cricket bat in a Shalwar Kameez? – via Twitter

The Prez confuses the fuck out of everyone by sending the highly cuntested Secrecy Bill back to the National Assembly for redrafting.  Why is he suddenly doing actual presidential stuff like exercising a veto?! Suspicious.As.Fuck. – via News24

The SABC is currently a (extra) HOT MESS but it is not their fault. So says the SABC. – via Times Live

19 Activists for proper sanitation in Khayelitsha gets arrested after doing dumb shit that gets you arrested. – via Times Live

The reincarnation of Annie Lennox embraces her spirit animal. – via Twitter

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Zakumi: A Dream Shattered

zakumi

And just like that Buffoona Buffoona flushed Zakumi’s only dream down the shitter. If anyone is looking for him, I read on MXit that he’s in a basement somewhere in Cape Town doing tik with the hoes from Takalani Sesame to try and numb the pain. Zakumi’s woes are completely justified as Buffoona dropped out of the running to compete at the 2014 Soccer World Cup this past weekend because they couldn’t beat Ethiopia.  I’m not sure how the scoring works (with soccer balls, I mean), but in some way South Africa had to beat Ethiopia – whether on the field or with points scored, I don’t know – and they didn’t.  Ethiopia? Ethi-FUCKING-opia?? Aren’t these ho’s being kept alive with nothing but bags of AIDS-porridge and tubes of Malaria vaccine? How the fuck do you lose to Ethiopia?!

The saddest part of this defeat is not that South Africa won’t be competing in the very global sporting event we hosted in 2010. The saddest part of this defeat is also not the fact that we will in all probability lose our beloved mascot Zakumi to a tik overdose. The saddest part about Bafana dropping out of the competition is the fact that Doughboy Malema now has something to mouth-queef about again.

There is no doubt that soccer in South Africa needs development at grassroots level like Julius needs a to have a stomach bypass, but having to listen to his verbal diarrhea about how all whites are racist and him being black jesus won’t do anything to improve the situation. For now, we should all focus our efforts to find the tik-den Zakumi is at and get him to Harmony House to dry out! Stat!

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The Apocalypse Is Cancelled (Due To Rain)

Berg

No, this is not Sutherland and no it’s also not the Ceres mountains, this is the good old Cape penis-ula! Driving past the mountains in the greater Cape Town area recently would have filled your eyes with the wonderful fuckery of nature pictured above. What you see here is a picture of the snow-covered mountains at the site of the largest retirement village in the Southern Hemisphere, Somerset West. FUCKING SNOW IN SOMERSET WEST!  The absurdity of this was too much for my Tassenberg-soaked brain to handle, so naturally it tried to make sense by linking it to an equally absurd image, namely rugby player Ben Cohen in a ballroom outfit! Ben Cohen is always my poor fucking brain’s go-to when it all gets too much.

Oh. Ben asdfkjasdfb…

Ben asdfkjasdfb

lycra2

Former UK rugby stud, and current hero of bullied gays and lesbians everywhere, Ben Cohen, is set to make his debut appearance on British dance EXTRAVAGANZA, Strictly Cum-dancing this September and naturally I assumed that the snow-covered mountains in Cape Town were one of the first signs of the apocalypse brought on the British-a-like of someone like Pierre Spies or Craig  Burden taking over from Graeme Richards as token hottie on the South African leg of this shit show! You see where I’m going? My brain is maxing out!

BY ALL THE ANCESTORS! Can you imagine the level of humanitarian aid that would have to be sent to South Africa if our own brainless rugby sex-gods were to don their “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” as Ben so eloquently put it, and take to dance floors on national television?? Doctors Without Borders would have to swoop in to the town halls and school gymnasiums across the nation where teens and seniors alike will be kept on Energade drips to save their private parts from dehydrating on account of acute pussy hemorrhaging! It’ll be a new epidemic!

So in sum, I’m not sure if the snowy mountains not being the apocalypse is a good or a bad thing, but my beautiful, imaginary husband-to-be Ben Cohen in “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” DEFINITELY is.

 

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Youtube in ZA (read: meh)

So apparently South Africa is the hot new place to find Youtubers? (Yes, that question mark is supposed to be there, because W the F!?) I’m sorry, but as an avid watcher of the yootoobs, can I add that until we can produce twink-a-licious goodness like that of Jack and Finn, ratchet bitches like Kingsley or ladeez of quite the questionable sanity as Glozell, we still have a long way to go to reach the top of anyone’s list in the online videoing game. If you want to see two chicks (who look like they’ve spent the night being molested at a Long Street backpackers whilst smoking everything they could buy on the street on the way there) hoofing it around Cape Town with Daddy’s old Hyundai TV set, while simultaneously and shamelessly plugging one chick’s brother’s Youtube channel (…and breathe), then press play on this mess. If you don’t like seeing how rapidly your finger will find the BACK button, then rather watch this, which comes to you with the full SIESA guarantee of not being a pile of local horse shit:

 

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Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men! (and The Riviersonderend joke for dummies)

ass cpt

From the evidence that has passed my very own eyes it would seem it is not only raining cats and dogs in the Mother City, but also naked men! Sjoe! The photo above was snapped by a motorist on the M5 highway in Cape Town yesterday. By the look of things this is not our mystery streaker’s first time letting it all hang loose because these eyes don’t see no tan lines! In addition to this, local rag the Cape Argus (via news24), reports that this oke has been spotted as far away as Riviersonderend! Riviersonderend?? This must be the guy from the Riviersonderend joke! First off, if you haven’t heard of Riviersonderend, then just imagine the most remote, one-road, one-post office, NO WOOLIES, NO DRAG CLUB, arm-blanke paradise you can and then times it by 150 because that’s how fast people drive through Riviersonderend after a rapid piss break at the Shell service station. Clear? Now, if you haven’t heard the Riviersonderend joke, here it is (sorry, but it’s only funny in Afrikaans):

Daar was ‘n man opsoek na die klein dorpie genaamd Riviersonderend. Hy bereik sy bestemming volgens aanwysings maar sien geen naamborde om die dorp se naam te kan bevestig nie. Dit was ‘n Sondag namiddag so natuurlik was almal tuis en hy kon niemand kry om te raadpleeg nie. Hy loop toe maar so bietjie rond in die hoop dat hy wel iemand sou vind om te vra of hy wel in Riviersonderend is. Na so paar minute se gesoek kom hy af op ‘n man wat blyk te masturbeer in n verlate stegie tussen twee geboue. Hy wou omdraai en wegloop van die affêre, maar uit vrees dat hy dalk nie weer iemand so teëkom nie maak hy maar keel skoon en vra “Verskoon my meneer, maar kan u my dalk sê…is dit Riviersonderend?” Waarop die man heel geirriteerd antwoord: “Nee, dis naai-sonder-poes.”

Jesus, okay Rainbow Nation! Basically, this dude tries to get directions in Riviersonderend on a Sunday, but he can’t find a soul because everyone is in a potato salad and skaaptjop induced slumber. Then he spots a dude playing with his mielie in an alleyway, and he asks, “Hey, is this River-without-end?” (the name of the town) The other guy responds, “No, this is fucking without pussy!”.

… Yes. Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls past…

Anyway! back to stormy and wet with a chance of nudity! This is the “fucking-without-pussy” guy! I would stake my last cheese curl on it! The Cape Argus also reports that City Traffic Services could not deal with this man’s Cape Cobra swinging all over the left lane like a leathery traffic boom, so they handed the matter over to the local police. What a bunch of pliggies! Spoiling the fun for the rest of us! Talk about speed humps ahead!

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