Happy 100th To Us!

100

Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Today We Remember: Robbie Klay

Robbie Klay 1

Since I was unable to process human language on Saturday due to my soul-crushing hangover after a night out with my squirrelfriends, I did not post a Knopkierie and for that I am terribly sorry (read: sorry, not sorry). To make up for this, I decided to give you all an extra special Today We Remember this Monday. Usually TWR is an ode to what some South African celebrity type used to look like, which is NEVER what they look like today. However, today I give you the cute little mullet-sporting munchkin pictured above. Isn’t he just too precious (not in a NAMBLA kind of way though)?? Well, if you think this singing cherub was cute in the 90’s, then hold on to your panties ladies, because Robbie 2.0 was a definite UPGRADE:

Robbie Klay 2

I kind of feel awkward referring to Robbie in a sexual context given the sexual molestation scandal between him and Jurie Els which ended in 2010. However, a) I am the same age as Robbie, b) Els was found not guilty and c) given the photo above Robbie himself obviously has no problem with being hyper-sexualised, so I suppose it’s open season on whacking off to pictures of him now that he is of legal age.

I know that he is supposed to be a singer, but I can honestly say I have not heard him belt out a note since his balls dropped (Puberty! Not his balls dropping into Jurie Els’s mouth you dirty fucks!). This is maybe a good thing, because listening to him sing would just confuse the FUCK out of my basic-ass brain as it looks like he belongs on a wrestling team, rather than a fucking stage!

Klay is my kind of celebrity – buff as a motherfucker and chock-full of SCANDAL. Apart from the fuckery he had going with Jurie Els, he also a) became a father at 16 and then proceeded to b) put some more of his baby-gravy in a 16-year-old at age 24 c) while he was engaged to actress-model-type Laetitia Bouwer. Pure class!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and slobber over these pictures while I wait for the next scandalous story to be tweeted:

Robbie Klay 3 Robbie Klay 4 Robbie Klay 5 Robbie Klay 6

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The Political Fuckery Is Steadily Reaching Terminal Velocity

zille side eye

After you’ve taken a moment to appreciate the supreme side-eye Zillz is throwing at the Prez, I hate to be the one who says “I told you so” (read: I fucking LOVE IT), but… I told you so.  As we slowly approach the due date for Celebrity Death Match: Mzansi Edition (aka the presidential election), South African politicians are grasping at every piece of skidmark-stained undies in an attempt to discredit each other. In the red corner we have distinguished wife collector, and current President, Jacob Zuma. In the blue corner we have the face of Foschini’s pants-suit department, and DA leader, Helen Zille. These two ho’s have been at each others’ throats like two Gugulethu mongrels since the word no (NOT a typo, because “NO” is the only word I associate with South African politics). According to News24, the latest in a continuous line of wet-queefs in each others’ direction is the DA insisting that the National Prosecuting Authority release alleged sex tapes spy tapes to them. Apparently these spy tapes have got some dish on why the fraud and corruption charges against Jacob Zuma got dropped, quicker than a High School girlfriend during Varsity RAG week, back in 2009.

I really hope the NPA does hand over these tapes to the DA and I also hope those whores share the dirt with the rest of us.  We haven’t had a good scandal since Robbie Klay appeared on national television with a mullet claiming that Jurie Els (who doesn’t have a pedo-face AT ALL) touched his no-place. Also, there better be some good shit on those tapes or I’m going to be pissed! If it turns out those “spy tapes” are just recordings of Zuma’s sister wives having a bukkake party with the neighbours I am going to have a BITCH FIT!

 

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