Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
I take everything I said, about Justine Sacco, in my previous post back. This is the first and last time I will retract a piece as I have a very serious not-a-single-fuck-is-given policy. Based on this policy I stand steadfast next to every single nugget of filth I fling at your computer screen. However, after I saw the post on buzzfeed about Ms Sacco’s general Twatter activity, I have decided that this situation requires a retraction and sincere apology.
The tweets highlighted by the buzzfeed post clearly indicated that Sacco is about as sane as Amanda Bynes after a bong hit. 5150 a bitch STAT! Can you imagine the sheer fear her co-passengers must have experienced on the flight back to London if they knew of this fuckery?? The atmosphere must have been palpable. If you think I am exaggerating, just go read some of the gems buzzfeed was able to salvage from the now deleted Twatter account. My favourites are:
As I sit and eat a bagel with lox, i would like to send love to my jews who are all starving themselves right now. #hungryhungryhebrews
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) October 8, 2011
“Weird German Dude: You’re in first class. It’s 2014. Get some deodorant.” -Inner monologue as I inhale BO. Thank god for pharmaceuticals.
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) December 20, 2013
So since mental illness is a serious matter, I would like to apologise on behalf of all South African to Justine Sacco. You are forgiven as you knew not what you were doing (see what I did there with the Jesus reference, heh heh?). That said, to whoever gives Ms Sacco the help she so clearly needs, I would like to ask that you “remove the cause, but not the symptom” because this shit is GOLD!
Bandwagons and soapboxes are currently operating at maximum capacity as pseudo-activists (aka lesbian hippies who ONLY use Cherokee hair tampons) collectively lose their SHIT on Twatter over some dumb bitch’s tweet (shown above). If you were unaware of this fuckery before reading this shit, I do apologize most profusely (read: I’m not apologizing at all). I am, however, going to need everyone to stow it and calm their worked-up asses the fuck down and this is why:
First of all, this bitch was probably just making a funny. A joke in poor taste (aren’t those the best anyway?)? Perhaps, but still a joke nonetheless. All of you self righteous tricks can’t tell me you’ve never made a fat American, short-dicked Asian or sheep shagging Australian joke. If you can say you’ve never done this, well then fuck, aren’t you just the life of the fucking party! The fact that this “joke”, however, was made at the expense of poor, defenseless, starving and broke-as-fuck Africa seem to make it unacceptable – BITCH PLEASE. Sit your ass down.
Second of all, maybe this wasn’t a joke. Maybe Ms Sacco, like myself, is partial to a bit of African Rock Python and given the high HIV infection rate in sub-Saharan Africa – in addition to the fact that she likes to ride side-saddle (bareback anal) because she’s saving her clam burger for that special someone – she might just be legitimately concerned about her health.
Finally, I’m going to need everyone to calm the fuck down, because the real issue here – irrespective of whether she was kidding or expressing legitimate concern – is how this dumbass got a job in PR. P fucking R?? How the fuck are you going to work in PR and tweet bullshit like that?! I have degrees coming out my butthole and the good sense to make my internet trash anonymous, but I can’t find a job with proper medical aid to save my life! That’s some old bullshit!
Great, now I’m pissed off at that ho! I’m going to tweet some hate at her RIGHT NOW!