Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
I saw White Julius’s tweet shown above and, much to my regret, followed the link to the opinion piece about white privilege on his website. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a tendency to experience deep rage when you read blogs covered in solid chunks of bullshit permeating with delusion and misinformation then steer well clear of this mess.
Whether or not the mangled nature of the facts he cite, in this delicious racism-and-stupidity-cluster, is deliberate or simply the result of prolonged exposure to shitty Afrikaans music I don’t know. What I do know, is that I simply CAN’T with this level of fuckery. Bitch even quotes Marxist theory in his attempt to argue why he should feel proud of his forefathers colonizing Southern Africa. Note that when I say “quote” I actually mean “beat with a blunt object, violently ass-raped and smeared the blood, shit and cum mixture across our computer screens” (Too much? I think not).
This post is just another edition of the Steve-Hofmeyr-Series-Of-Rants-About-How-Whites-Have-Done-So-Much-For-The-Continent-And-Blacks-Have-Done-Nothing-And-Should-Be-Grateful-Rather-Than-Complaining. But on a serious note though, I think we should all collectively thank Good Guy Steve for being nice to a black dude while doing your BDram at Tuks and braving the jocks calling him a “kafferboetiemoffie“. Take down the statue of Madiba in Sandton Square and erect one of St. Steve IMMEDIATELY!
Also, all economics, politics and sociology students in the country can drop out of their courses right now, because Steve will hook you all up. Who needs to pay for a BA PPE when all you need to do is follow St. Steve’s words of wisdom on his website for FREE?! This must be the kind of philanthropy Steve is referring to in his post when he talks about his forefathers building schools, hospitals, churches and universities! Keep up the good work Steve!
Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter
THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24
Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live
SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24
Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking. I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence. I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld
Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24
Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live
Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press
ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip
Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian
By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24
In the dirty-jam-rag-red corner we have the EFF-off Freedom Fighters. In the balloon-red corner we have a group of white bitches who are scared stupid. Both groups are actively competing for the title of Most Self-Entitled Whores In The Nation. It’s too early to tell who will win, but I can say that at this stage it is pretty neck and neck. In case you have been oblivious to this epic clash of the brainless up till now, let me just quickly summarise.
The EFF-off Freedom Fighters, under leadership of Pillsbury Malema, is saying:
The EFF is not a racist organisation, but white people must learn to share…
Crazy white bitches, under patronage of Steve Hofmeyr (white Julius), are saying:
They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!
Two issues need to be pointed out here. Firstly, if both Julius and white-Julius could just stop pretending that they are “one of the people” that would be great. Secondly, everyone need to realize that all of this anger and frustration permeating from, arguably the most annoying human beings on the African continent (second to Nonhle Thema of course), is obviously the result of being separated at birth and being denied a childhood together. If someone separated me from my fraternal twin I would be pissed off as well. Therefore, anyone who supports them in their respective absurd self-entitled endeavors are inadvertently enabling psychologically self-destructive behaviour – shame on you. Let’s all rather go home, have a cup of tea, calm the fuck down, and let Julius and Steve work this out amongst themselves like brothers should.
Thor had a hand in this: All the more reason to visit the Drakensberg. – via Times Live
NUMSA shows all you haters that a trade union is in fact capable of logical thought. – via Fin24
Once again, undeniable proof that no link exists between level of education and people’s tendency to behave like deranged savages. No link whatsoever. – via News24
When toddlers get offed in Diepsloot, the only rational thing to do is to break shit down and harass the only people who can legally do something about the situation (DUH). Also, throwing stones at journalists reporting on the tragedy brings about justice (OBVEE. – via Mail & Guardian
Joke’s on you Huisgenoot! Someone in market research must have been fasting too long, because demintia must be setting in if they think has got any Muslim readers. – via Twatter
Fuck our lives! Nonhle Thema and Khanyi Mbau has been spared for another year. Is there no end to this torture?? – via Twatter
Oh jesus, oh jesus fucking christ. Can someone please confiscate Steve’s iPhone? I don’t think I can take any more of this misinformed pseudo-intellectual fuckery. – via Twatter
Oh Steve. What HAPPENED to you? One of my earliest memories of Steve is of him on stage at some day-time music festival where he asked the crowd: “Wie se ouers wou nie hê hul moes kom nie want Steve Hofmeyr is ‘n moffie?! (Who’s parents didn’t want them to come because Steve Hofmeyr is a fag?!)”. The worst part about this is not that he actually said this on stage, but that it was true. Saying what came to mind, playing the bad guy on screen and making “alternative” music, Steve was the symbol of sticking it to the man, which obviously led to conservatives like my parents calling him all kinds of names such as “fag” (which was mainly because of his long hair).
Please do not misinterpret the inclusion of Steve into the Siesa Hall of Remembrance as evidence of my desire to at some point yearn for him to play me like a Spanish guitar. No. HELL to the no! I simply find it fitting to pay my respects to the person and symbol he used to be in our country. The utter irony of him literally becoming the closed-minded conservative old cunt he used to be the antithesis of is too much for my tik-stunned brain to handle. I am still somewhat convinced I hallucinated the most of the Red October bullshit from last week where he attempted to turn legitimate tragedies such as recent farm murders into fuel for a right-wing racist agenda. Jesus. DAFUQ dude?!
You know what? I think everything started going wrong when he married that trick from Egoli. He was a free peen that should not have been tamed. See what happens when you try to tame wild peen? It starts fucking everything that walks and instead of fucking YOUR brains our, he starts fucking his OWN brains out. With every extra-marital affair and with every illegitimate child he loses part of his sanity until we have the MESS we see today.
Let the life of Steve be a cautionary tale to all you hoes out there. DON’T try to keep a peen tied down. The consequences could be dire!