Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!
Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter
In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24
Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe
One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live
E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News
Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:
– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets
– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man
– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock
– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit
Religious shit stains
…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter
Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa
I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News
Social shit stains
No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)
The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News
Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24
Educational shit stains
The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian
The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News
Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter
THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24
Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live
SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24
Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking. I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence. I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld
Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24
Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live
Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press
ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip
Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian
By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24
The only thing that happens to me when I think about South African politics, is that it makes me consider taking up religion again. I imagine only some form of higher power has the capacity to fix the executive level fuckery the Prez and his band of fucktards has wet-queefed all over the nation. At first glance I thought Basic Education Minister, Angie Motshekga, felt the same…but no. Brace yourself, this amount of weapons grade stupidity is not for the faint at heart.
I thought I’ve heard it all when bitches started promoting “pray the gay away” retreats for their cock-hungry sons and poon-starved daughters…once again, no. City Press reports that Holy Mother Angie Motshekga has asked Mpumalanga residents to pray for their children writing matric exams to be delivered from evil spirits. A bit of an odd statement, considering she looks like a concept sketch for The Gogo of Chucky.
That’s right parents. Fuck striking teachers! Fuck poorly managed government funding!! Fuck teachers who can’t even pass the national exam of the subject they teach!!! Fuck all of this, because we now know the real reason all provincial matric pass rates, apart from that of the Western Cape, need as much work as there is needed on Angie Motshekga’s face! Demons! Wyk Satan!! Suka Tokoloshe!!!
Also, Ms Motshekga would be well advised to spend some time engaged in early detection rather than fraternise with the likes of Micah Nthali from the Moral-regeneration movement (what the entire FUCK is a “moral-regeneration movement”??). I know some people get wet in their sex-bits at the sight of a beauty spot, but that shit hanging off her forehead is about as beautiful as a shit-covered prolapse hanging out of a hairy butthole. GURL, you know you are getting photographed, FIX YOUR SHIT!