Happy 100th To Us!

100

Today Siesa Nyama is celebrating the 100th time we’ve been able to smear the filth that is South African news -well, our version of it anyway – across your phones, tablets and computer screens. Yes people, we’ve made it to 100 posts without being deactivated, sued or jailed. SCORE! For this reason, but mostly because we’re all drunk already and unable to come up with anything new, here is a recap of some of the highlights (or low lights, depending on your stance) so far. See how many of them you can remember!

100 recap

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter

In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24

Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe

One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live

E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News

Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:

– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets

– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man

– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock

– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit

Minister Angie Motshekga’s wig, in the category Serving Anne Hathaway Circa 2012 REALNESS

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Religious shit stains

…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter

Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa

I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News

With South Africans’ tenancy to blame their own shitty behaviour to demonic possession, I wonder how long it is going to take for this European wave of sheer fucktardery to his us. – via Times Live

 

Social shit stains

No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)

The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News

Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24

 

Educational shit stains

The Gogo of Chucky just can’t seem to get enough of fucking with the country’s education system. – via News24

The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian

The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Can someone please confiscate White Julius’s iPhone and put a muzzle on him? PLEASE? – via Twatter

THIS JUST IN: Dumb fucks who are fucking dumb enough to pay over 25K in rent can’t make payments on time because they are dumb fucks. – via Fin24

South Africa still remains the premier dumbing ground for artists who should have been embalmed a decade ago. – via Twatter

Make sure you register to be part of the fuckery next year! – via Times Live

SHOCK (read: not shocked at all): Boeremag leader, Tom Vorster, gets 25 years. – via News24

Jesus H. Christ! Pop this article by Beeld into Google Translate and marvel at the executive level INSANE FUCKERY the Boeremag was cooking.  I retract the previous statement about not being shocked over Tom Vorster’s sentence.  I AM shocked. I’m shocked that it’s 25 years and not 25 consecutive life sentences! – via Beeld

Another day, another corruption charge against a police official #sameshitdifferentday. – via News24

Another day, another Community Centre gets burnt down by protestors #sameshitdifferentday. – via Times Live

Where is Angie Motshekga when you need her to pray the gay away?! Come on Ange, b-holes are being violated in prisons by the truck-load! (Sidenote: If rape happens in a Correctional Service facility, is it “corrective rape”?). – via City Press

ZA Gossip should stop allowing their “staff writers” to do tik at their desks – for obvious reasons. – via ZA Gossip

Oh for the love of money! Guptagate is STILL a thing. Still?! #FFS. – via Mail & Guardian

By the bones of the ancestors! Someone in government actually had an idea that goes beyond petty bullshit. Somebody pinch me. – via News24

 

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Finally, Some Real Insight Into Poor Exam Results

ANGIE

The only thing that happens to me when I think about South African politics, is that it makes me consider taking up religion again. I imagine only some form of higher power has the capacity to fix the executive level fuckery the Prez and his band of fucktards has wet-queefed all over the nation. At first glance I thought Basic Education Minister, Angie Motshekga, felt the same…but no. Brace yourself, this amount of weapons grade stupidity is not for the faint at heart.

I thought I’ve heard it all when bitches started promoting “pray the gay away” retreats for their cock-hungry sons and poon-starved daughters…once again, no.  City Press reports that Holy Mother Angie Motshekga has asked Mpumalanga residents to pray for their children writing matric exams to be delivered from evil spirits.  A bit of an odd statement, considering she looks like a concept sketch for The Gogo of Chucky.

That’s right parents.  Fuck striking teachers! Fuck poorly managed government funding!!  Fuck teachers who can’t even pass the national exam of the subject they teach!!!  Fuck all of this, because we now know the real reason all provincial matric pass rates, apart from that of the Western Cape, need as much work as there is needed on Angie Motshekga’s face! Demons! Wyk Satan!! Suka Tokoloshe!!!

Also, Ms Motshekga would be well advised to spend some time engaged in early detection rather than fraternise with the likes of Micah ­Nthali from the Moral-regeneration movement (what the entire FUCK is a “moral-regeneration movement”??).  I know some people get wet in their sex-bits at the sight of a beauty spot, but that shit hanging off her forehead is about as beautiful as a shit-covered prolapse hanging out of a hairy butthole.  GURL, you know you are getting photographed, FIX YOUR SHIT!

 

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