Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Religious shit stains

…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter

Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa

I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News

With South Africans’ tenancy to blame their own shitty behaviour to demonic possession, I wonder how long it is going to take for this European wave of sheer fucktardery to his us. – via Times Live

 

Social shit stains

No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)

The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News

Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24

 

Educational shit stains

The Gogo of Chucky just can’t seem to get enough of fucking with the country’s education system. – via News24

The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian

The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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What can make you barf in two languages? Jennifer Su at the #ShineandSkitter gala (read: The Bilingual Barf-Off) in a mess that looks like the bastard offspring of Leeloo’s bandages and something only Cher would wear. – via Twatter

Also strutting his stuff at the Bilingual Barf-Off is “designer” Gert-Johan Coetzee serving MEH realness in all the right places! Wrinkled grey cotton shirt with button holes in the collar – meh! Tiny tinfoil neck-propeller – meh!! Mediocre hair circa 2005 – MEH!!! – via Heat Magazine SA

I am 100% DONE with this fuckery: How does showing up at a formal event in short-shorts and a Miami Vice jacket, or a casual beach dress deserve the title of “fab lady”? How?? – via Heat Magazine SA

A story more unbelievable than accounts of a Tokoloshe harassing the women-folk in their pussy areas every night: A government department capable of managing expenditure and actually spending LESS than they were allowed to. – via IOL

Haji Mohamed Dawjee: Executive level shade thrown at the Prez. I tip my wig to you Haji. – via Mail & Guardian

Paaaaass da dutchie buck on da left hand side: A classic tale about South African politics. – via News24

I am very confused by claims of the poms questioning Pierre Spies. However, not confused enough to properly research it online. – via Twatter

What does the Marikana cluster-fuck from last year and my drinking habit have in common? Neither know when to STOP. This shit is apparently still news. – via News24

It started with pray-the-gay-away, then we had pray-the-tokoloshe-interrupting-my-child’s-studying-away, now it would seem we’ve got pray-the-murder-away. Yey Jesus! – via News24

The saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Not the STATE of this fan’s face, but seeing what Skeletor-looking, Clicks-makeup-wearing, oily-as-fuck MESS Bobbie van Jaarsveld is married to. All the sadz :'(. via – Twatter

Of all the things Africa needs most, ugly, over-priced sports cars are definitely at the top of the list. – via Eye Witness News

 

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Daily Skid Marks

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Pierre Spies brings about political and social change in Zimbabwe with rugby – which is the ONLY WAY to bring about change. – via Twatter

Thor had a hand in this: All the more reason to visit the Drakensberg. – via Times Live

NUMSA shows all you haters that a trade union is in fact capable of logical thought. – via Fin24

Once again, undeniable proof that no link exists between level of education and people’s tendency to behave like deranged savages.  No link whatsoever. – via News24

When toddlers get offed in Diepsloot, the only rational thing to do is to  break shit down and harass the only people who can legally do something about the situation (DUH). Also, throwing stones at journalists reporting on the tragedy brings about justice (OBVEE. – via Mail & Guardian

Looks like it’s “Stomach In, Chest Out Stomach In, Ingquza Out” in in Mpumalanga. – via Times Live

Joke’s on you Huisgenoot! Someone in market research must have been fasting too long, because demintia must be setting in if they think has got any Muslim readers. – via Twatter

Fuck our lives! Nonhle Thema and Khanyi Mbau has been spared for another year. Is there no end to this torture?? – via Twatter

Oh jesus, oh jesus fucking christ. Can someone please confiscate Steve’s iPhone? I don’t think I can take any more of this misinformed pseudo-intellectual fuckery. – via Twatter

 

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Daily Skid Marks

Omo

Vavi apologizes for calling his ladyboy hooker a girl (nopatazana). – via Mail & Guardian

First South African to ride in the Tour de France decides to quit that shit before the jig is up! – via News24

I can honestly say I would rather be violently raped with a rusty spoon than attend a Kunt Darren concern. However, if you disagree, here are some deets. – via Twitter

Pierre Spies is amazed by a photo of himself. Welcome to our world Pierre! – via Twitter

Morris the Tokoloshe getting into the festive season. – via Twitter

SANZAR CEO, Greg Peters, comments on that cunt Romain Poite being a meanie to our Bissie. – via Soundcloud

Bissie’s record has been cleansed of that vile Romain Poite’s shitty reffing. – via Times Live

Auditions for Sharknado: South Africa now open! – via ZAGossip

File under “news of the painfully obvious”: The Prez is delusional an uninformed. – via 2Oceansvibe

Election 2014 Manifesto: “The manifesto forums seek to provide an opportunity for the ANC to interact with our people on progress made and challenges confronted in creating a South Africa that is better today than it was in 1994 make false promises in a desperate attempt to win votes despite appalling governance”. – via Times Live

Ian Bredenkamp knows where its at! – via Twitter

Gareth Cliff needs to work on his sales pitch. – via Twitter

SABC editor, Montlenyane Diphoko, shows all South Africans that you can do any-FUCKING-thing you want, as long as you have a good enough lawyer. Keep up the good work Monty! – via Sowetan Live

The Hawks being a division of the SA Police Service is not stupid and is not a recipe for political interference you dummies: Kemp. – via Time Live

DA – 1, ANC – 0 (IOL – 0 for double negative): Cape Town least unequal SA city. – via IOL

Some trick with dainty-ass hooves finally won the #ElanaShoes! – via Twitter

 

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The Apocalypse Is Cancelled (Due To Rain)

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No, this is not Sutherland and no it’s also not the Ceres mountains, this is the good old Cape penis-ula! Driving past the mountains in the greater Cape Town area recently would have filled your eyes with the wonderful fuckery of nature pictured above. What you see here is a picture of the snow-covered mountains at the site of the largest retirement village in the Southern Hemisphere, Somerset West. FUCKING SNOW IN SOMERSET WEST!  The absurdity of this was too much for my Tassenberg-soaked brain to handle, so naturally it tried to make sense by linking it to an equally absurd image, namely rugby player Ben Cohen in a ballroom outfit! Ben Cohen is always my poor fucking brain’s go-to when it all gets too much.

Oh. Ben asdfkjasdfb…

Ben asdfkjasdfb

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Former UK rugby stud, and current hero of bullied gays and lesbians everywhere, Ben Cohen, is set to make his debut appearance on British dance EXTRAVAGANZA, Strictly Cum-dancing this September and naturally I assumed that the snow-covered mountains in Cape Town were one of the first signs of the apocalypse brought on the British-a-like of someone like Pierre Spies or Craig  Burden taking over from Graeme Richards as token hottie on the South African leg of this shit show! You see where I’m going? My brain is maxing out!

BY ALL THE ANCESTORS! Can you imagine the level of humanitarian aid that would have to be sent to South Africa if our own brainless rugby sex-gods were to don their “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” as Ben so eloquently put it, and take to dance floors on national television?? Doctors Without Borders would have to swoop in to the town halls and school gymnasiums across the nation where teens and seniors alike will be kept on Energade drips to save their private parts from dehydrating on account of acute pussy hemorrhaging! It’ll be a new epidemic!

So in sum, I’m not sure if the snowy mountains not being the apocalypse is a good or a bad thing, but my beautiful, imaginary husband-to-be Ben Cohen in “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” DEFINITELY is.

 

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