Mo’ Pussy, Mo’ Problems: King Zwelibanzi Dalindyebo

Pictured above is the face of a man who has NO FUCKS to give about pre-ordered pussay.  This man is the AbaThembu King, Zwelibanzi Dalindyebo. I have no idea who the AbaThembu is, I have even less of an idea who their King (apart from his name – OBVEE) is and these are all facts I am content with. What I can say, however, is that SA Breaking News reports that the Sovereign of the AbaThembu is serving piping hot SASS to any member of his family who tries to fix him up with a ho they deem appropriate to produce a royal heir.

I’m not going to pretend to understand the internal mechanics of any monarchy. Mainly because I’m still struggling to understand the internal mechanics of my own liver (I don’t understand why I keep waking up with a headache every time I guzzle a liter of Tas, can someone explain this to me??). If there is one thing I DO understand though, it’s SASS. I’ve been giving my parents “don’t MAKE me snap my fingers in Z-formation” since I could string whole sentences together and I definitely appreciate this quality in others. Saying “…if you want me to marry her so bad, why don’t YOU fuck her?!” to your family was TOTALLY included as part of my coming-out speech, but I decided to scrap that part.

I know a HBIC when I see one and King Zweli is the real deal! From telling his parents to ride the pointy end of his royal scepter, to calling The Prez on his bullshit, I think we can all take a page out of his book…the book he uses as rolling paper of course! You do you King Zweli! Savour the pussay you already have (which I understand is plentiful to begin with), don’t put up with family drama and keep on calling dumb bitches on their bullshit! #WERKBITCH

 

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Shan Ramburuth: Pushed Out After Smashing One Out

shan Ramburuth

One can always expect of IOL to deliver the back end of the trashiest news available in Sub-Saharan Africa.  Today is no exception.  IOL reports that Competition Commissioner, Shan Ramburuth, has been forced to resign after it was found that he used his work SIM card to look at fuck-bits costing the Competition Commission R120 000 in international roaming charges.  I would like to take this opportunity to kindly request everyone to calm their self-righteous asses the fuck down. Calm? OK.

A couple of things are important to note here.  If web-design and fried chicken expenses at provincial level reach amounts that defies the sheer fabric of reality, then I can say with almost complete certainty that if Mr Ramburuth was racking up a 120K bill for looking at videos of GloZell playing real-life Hungry-Hungry-Hippo, no one would have had a single fuck to give about it.  But because he did what every normal man (or woman) does when in a hotel room after a day of working out of town – bust a nut – he is being made out to be the scum of the earth and unfit for his job. Give me a fucking break.

Secondly, even though I think the Ministry of Whatthefuckever which the Competition Commission reports to need to get the fuck down from their high horse, I still think he should have been fired.  However, the reason should not be for “improper use of company resources”, but rather for “being a dumb fuck”.  Let’s cut the shit and just admit that ALL of us have looked at a butthole or pussy-lip on a work device, on work bandwidth or in work time. The difference is, anybody with half a braincell would know to either keep that shit to an undetectable minimum, to erase your history or to do whatever needs to be done so you don’t get your thirsty ass caught!  Hopefully the acting commissioner will be less of a fucktard.

 

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