I’ve been on sabbatical…no, that’s a lie. Saying I’ve been on sabbatical implies that a) I get paid for spewing Mzansi-flavoured filth all over the internet and that b) spewing Mzansi-flavoured filth all over the internet is a legitimate occupation. None of these are the case, so let’s just call a (gold digger) spade a (gold digger) space and say that I was being a lazy cunt and had absolutely NO fucks to give about blogging.
Firing up the old TOS-shiba and glancing over the stories making the news during my absence seem to indicate that the fuckery did not stop oozing out of the headlines while I wasn’t reading them. DA and AGANG held a scissor-fest, Oscar Fistorius had/has the entire world losing their SHIT, politicians were serving FUPA REALNESS on the red carpet, floods made Gauteng look like the massive gaping vagina of nation that it is and the collective insanity cluster-fuck that is Red October seems to have gone airborne, infecting the minds of a bunch of fucktards in the USA.
For your reading pleasure, I will discuss each of these incidents separately, to allow for the appropriately timed puke-breaks. You’re welcome.
I saw White Julius’s tweet shown above and, much to my regret, followed the link to the opinion piece about white privilege on his website. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a tendency to experience deep rage when you read blogs covered in solid chunks of bullshit permeating with delusion and misinformation then steer well clear of this mess.
Whether or not the mangled nature of the facts he cite, in this delicious racism-and-stupidity-cluster, is deliberate or simply the result of prolonged exposure to shitty Afrikaans music I don’t know. What I do know, is that I simply CAN’T with this level of fuckery. Bitch even quotes Marxist theory in his attempt to argue why he should feel proud of his forefathers colonizing Southern Africa. Note that when I say “quote” I actually mean “beat with a blunt object, violently ass-raped and smeared the blood, shit and cum mixture across our computer screens” (Too much? I think not).
This post is just another edition of the Steve-Hofmeyr-Series-Of-Rants-About-How-Whites-Have-Done-So-Much-For-The-Continent-And-Blacks-Have-Done-Nothing-And-Should-Be-Grateful-Rather-Than-Complaining. But on a serious note though, I think we should all collectively thank Good Guy Steve for being nice to a black dude while doing your BDram at Tuks and braving the jocks calling him a “kafferboetiemoffie“. Take down the statue of Madiba in Sandton Square and erect one of St. Steve IMMEDIATELY!
Also, all economics, politics and sociology students in the country can drop out of their courses right now, because Steve will hook you all up. Who needs to pay for a BA PPE when all you need to do is follow St. Steve’s words of wisdom on his website for FREE?! This must be the kind of philanthropy Steve is referring to in his post when he talks about his forefathers building schools, hospitals, churches and universities! Keep up the good work Steve!
In the dirty-jam-rag-red corner we have the EFF-off Freedom Fighters. In the balloon-red corner we have a group of white bitches who are scared stupid. Both groups are actively competing for the title of Most Self-Entitled Whores In The Nation. It’s too early to tell who will win, but I can say that at this stage it is pretty neck and neck. In case you have been oblivious to this epic clash of the brainless up till now, let me just quickly summarise.
The EFF-off Freedom Fighters, under leadership of Pillsbury Malema, is saying:
The EFF is not a racist organisation, but white people must learn to share…
Crazy white bitches, under patronage of Steve Hofmeyr (white Julius), are saying:
They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!
Two issues need to be pointed out here. Firstly, if both Julius and white-Julius could just stop pretending that they are “one of the people” that would be great. Secondly, everyone need to realize that all of this anger and frustration permeating from, arguably the most annoying human beings on the African continent (second to Nonhle Thema of course), is obviously the result of being separated at birth and being denied a childhood together. If someone separated me from my fraternal twin I would be pissed off as well. Therefore, anyone who supports them in their respective absurd self-entitled endeavors are inadvertently enabling psychologically self-destructive behaviour – shame on you. Let’s all rather go home, have a cup of tea, calm the fuck down, and let Julius and Steve work this out amongst themselves like brothers should.
Oh Steve. What HAPPENED to you? One of my earliest memories of Steve is of him on stage at some day-time music festival where he asked the crowd: “Wie se ouers wou nie hê hul moes kom nie want Steve Hofmeyr is ‘n moffie?! (Who’s parents didn’t want them to come because Steve Hofmeyr is a fag?!)”. The worst part about this is not that he actually said this on stage, but that it was true. Saying what came to mind, playing the bad guy on screen and making “alternative” music, Steve was the symbol of sticking it to the man, which obviously led to conservatives like my parents calling him all kinds of names such as “fag” (which was mainly because of his long hair).
Please do not misinterpret the inclusion of Steve into the Siesa Hall of Remembrance as evidence of my desire to at some point yearn for him to play me like a Spanish guitar. No. HELL to the no! I simply find it fitting to pay my respects to the person and symbol he used to be in our country. The utter irony of him literally becoming the closed-minded conservative old cunt he used to be the antithesis of is too much for my tik-stunned brain to handle. I am still somewhat convinced I hallucinated the most of the Red October bullshit from last week where he attempted to turn legitimate tragedies such as recent farm murders into fuel for a right-wing racist agenda. Jesus. DAFUQ dude?!
You know what? I think everything started going wrong when he married that trick from Egoli. He was a free peen that should not have been tamed. See what happens when you try to tame wild peen? It starts fucking everything that walks and instead of fucking YOUR brains our, he starts fucking his OWN brains out. With every extra-marital affair and with every illegitimate child he loses part of his sanity until we have the MESS we see today.
Let the life of Steve be a cautionary tale to all you hoes out there. DON’T try to keep a peen tied down. The consequences could be dire!
Yes I haven’t written anything in weeks, but in my defence I have to say that this was due to medical reasons. The medical reasons being that I finally mustered up the courage to watch my pirate copy of Man of Steel, 5 minutes into which I suffered an acute lust blackout when my eyes experienced the glory that is Henry Cavill’s 100% A-grade beef tits wrapped in a luxurious layer of man-fur. Luckily my house-mate knows the drill by now and quickly administered a shot of adrenalin directly into my heart. Coming to you would think that I would avoid any further visuals of aforementioned man-tits, but no. I then finished the entire movie and subsequently slipped into a lust coma. I was rushed to the ICU and put on an Energade drip to replenish the fluids and electrolytes I was haemorrhaging from my pussy-area. I regained consciousness yesterday only to realise that white bitches in South Africa have finally lost their GODDAMN MINDS.
Initially when I heard of the MESS called Red October I immediately assumed that it has got something to do with lady parts spitting out liver bits – come on… Red? October?? As usual, the gutter-dwelling cluster of filth I call my mind was wrong because according to News24 Red October is an initiative by crazy white bitches, under patronage of White Julius Malema – Steve Hofmeyr – to raise awareness about the fact that crazy white bitches are being targeted in violent crimes. Here are some priceless titbits from the News24 article:
Protesters in Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings where they handed over a memorandum demanding an end to what they call a white genocide in South Africa.
Speaking at the Pretoria protest, activist, actor and singer Steve Hofmeyr told the crowd: “They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!”
“World Mental Health day, and #RedOctober supporters are calling anyone who doesn’t support their racist cause “libtards”. Keep it classy, SA,” tweeted @DiscordianKitty.
Felicia Mabuza Suttle give me strength! What a good idea. Let’s all march up to the Union Building and hand over a memorandum because we all know that always works. Always. Whenever the trade at Saunaboyz is shit I always march up to the Union Building and hand over a memorandum demanding tighter and fresher sphincter majora. Always! In addition, if the past has taught us anything it is that falling behind a social cause Steve Hofmeyr supports is a very very very good idea. Also, I think I’m going to need that drip again because the sheer irony in that last quote is just too much for me to handle. I just CANT!