No, this is not Sutherland and no it’s also not the Ceres mountains, this is the good old Cape penis-ula! Driving past the mountains in the greater Cape Town area recently would have filled your eyes with the wonderful fuckery of nature pictured above. What you see here is a picture of the snow-covered mountains at the site of the largest retirement village in the Southern Hemisphere, Somerset West. FUCKING SNOW IN SOMERSET WEST! The absurdity of this was too much for my Tassenberg-soaked brain to handle, so naturally it tried to make sense by linking it to an equally absurd image, namely rugby player Ben Cohen in a ballroom outfit! Ben Cohen is always my poor fucking brain’s go-to when it all gets too much.
Oh. Ben asdfkjasdfb…
Former UK rugby stud, and current hero of bullied gays and lesbians everywhere, Ben Cohen, is set to make his debut appearance on British dance EXTRAVAGANZA, Strictly Cum-dancing this September and naturally I assumed that the snow-covered mountains in Cape Town were one of the first signs of the apocalypse brought on the British-a-like of someone like Pierre Spies or Craig Burden taking over from Graeme Richards as token hottie on the South African leg of this shit show! You see where I’m going? My brain is maxing out!
BY ALL THE ANCESTORS! Can you imagine the level of humanitarian aid that would have to be sent to South Africa if our own brainless rugby sex-gods were to don their “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” as Ben so eloquently put it, and take to dance floors on national television?? Doctors Without Borders would have to swoop in to the town halls and school gymnasiums across the nation where teens and seniors alike will be kept on Energade drips to save their private parts from dehydrating on account of acute pussy hemorrhaging! It’ll be a new epidemic!
So in sum, I’m not sure if the snowy mountains not being the apocalypse is a good or a bad thing, but my beautiful, imaginary husband-to-be Ben Cohen in “Lycra’s and a bit of Sequins” DEFINITELY is.
Ladies, (and many gentlemen, I am certain) do not be alarmed if both your face and your pussy just started weeping simultaneously. This is a normal reaction and I am experiencing the same thing as I type this and behold the magnificence of today’s Knopkierie (good thing I’m sitting on a plastic garden chair). Pictured above is the current Hooker (hooker? coincidence? I think NOT!) for the Natal Sharks Rugby Aquarium. He is 28 years old, 1,84m tall and weighs…heavily on my fuck parts. Not only is he a provincial star athlete, but he is also quite the philanthropist: witness him stripping down to nothing but his birthday suit for Marie Claire‘s Naked Issue in March this year. This issue is apparently intended to create awareness around organ donation or some charity shit. I don’t even care what the reason is, but Marie Claire should get a Pendoring, a Pulitzer AND a fucking Nobel prize for convincing this magnificent mountain of muscle to show us his perky bubble butt! Below are some more pictures of the reason your couch upholstery is ruined now, but before you look at them, go grab an Energade to avoid dehydration! (side note: chest hair on or off?)