Bobbie van Jaarsveld announces his decision to renew his beard’s contract after annual review. – via Twatter
In news of the double-‘meh’: ZA-Rwanda relations might experience strain after the assassination of former Spy Chief Patrick Karegeya. Bitch please! Meh1 = What South African actually even knows where Rwanda is? Meh2 = Who is Rwanda kidding by trying to convince the world they have spies. – via News24
Bitches are still bitching about the 2013 Matric exam results and I CAN’T. – via 2Oceansvibe
One hot air filled asshole calling another hot air filled asshole on the hot air in his asshole: The Mthethwa-Cele Saga. – via Times Live
E-toll…bile…bile…e-toll…bile…bile…#OVERIT. – via SA Breaking News
Nominate your top young South African for 2014! Register your nominations at the Mail & Guardian. My nominations are as follows:
– Nonhle Thema, in the category Most Inspiring Tweets
– Bobbie van Jaarsveld, in the category Most Exquisite Highlights on a “Straight” Man
– Ramey Short aka Ream-Me Short aka Dr McSmoothy, in the category Silkiest Pre-Cock
– All the 2013 Matrics, in the category Putting Up With The Entire Country’s Negative-As-Fuck Bullshit
Hmmmm, I do like me some silver fox… – The Guardian via Twatter
Religious shit stains
…and just like that, my colossal boner for Pierre Spies dies and I start convulsing uncontrollably. – via Twatter
Just north of the border in Zim, Penises, Politics and Pentecostalism are being merged into one gigantic storm of exquisite fuckery. – via Voices of Africa
I’m so happy South Africa has separation of church and state… PSYCH, we SO don’t. – via SA Breaking News
Social shit stains
No need for a DeLorean. All the per-civilization savagery can be found right here in Mzansi. Specifically the Western Cape, Gauteng and Kwazulu-Natal, #class. – via SA Breaking News (aka The Rape Times)
The Queen of England takes time out of watching Corgis hump each other to award an MBE to some dude who does stuff for people in South Africa, #meh. – via SA Breaking News
Ugh, looks like Mari-fucking-kana is still a thing. – via News24
Educational shit stains
The shame! The Free State dethrones the Republic of the Western Cape with the 2013 Matric pass rate. – via Mail & Guardian
The DA is calling bullshit on the latest national Matric exam results. Of course they are. – via SA Breaking News
Its a new year and I am still in no danger of being dethroned as Most Useless Fucking Blogger On The Internet. Weeks will go by without so much as a Skid Mark and I do not see this situation changing in the near future – DEAL with it! However, today I have managed to scrape my carcass out of bed in order for me to once again scrape the bottom of the tattered and busted-ass barrel that is South African celebrity, to bring you this week’s TWR. You’re welcome.
This week we have athletic type, Mark Fish (aka Mahk Feesh), as our special case for condolences. I remember violently fapping to a GQ Magazine spread with Mark and Lucas Radebe at age 16 like it was yesterday. Dressed in Markham suits and designer shades, bitches were looking fancy as FUCK posing with tricks in swimsuits next to a outdoor pool. Sadly, these days Mr Fish is putting the EESH in Feesh, with a busted-ass face and what looks like prison tats…I didn’t know he did time in the Big House?? Mark went from looking like THIS:
…to looking like THIS:
…probably because he was doing too much of THIS:
That skin! That grill!! What a goddam shame!!! Imagine the sensation of his soul patch tickling your taint while you teabag him. BLISS! Unfortunately for all you thirsty bitches, he is too concerned with la revolucion (see the Guevara arm tat) and Uniting Against Malaria, to give any fucks about what he looks like. What this bitch needs to unite against is the sun’s UV rays and backstreet tattoo artists! Let Mark’s story be a cautionary tale about priorities children! Fuck the Malaria and keep count of the melanin!
In the spirit of
christmas getting AIDS from fucking black dudes in Africa, I would like to take you back almost two years, to when the infamous parody poster (pictured above) made its appearance on the interwebs. This parody poster features a gorgeous otter serving piping hot FACE next to a thirsty-as-fuck chlora, with the slogan “DASO: In OUR future, you wouldn’t look twice“. This was created in response to the original poster by DASO of a white man embracing a black woman:
Since most South Africans are basic bitches, a lot of tricks lost their shit over the poster and smeared their misinformed hate all over it every chance they got. According to mambaonline, some of the shade thrown included the African Christian Democratic Party accusing it of “promoting sexual immorality” and also suggesting that “it would lead to an increase in farm murders“. I can only IMAGINE what the African Christian DERP Party had to say about the gay adaptation…
Unfortunately I’m the laziest blogger on the internet, so I did not find the names of the tricks in the poster in the 5 minutes I spent looking for it. If you know who they are, put it in the comments so we can collectively cyberstalk their asses!
I take everything I said, about Justine Sacco, in my previous post back. This is the first and last time I will retract a piece as I have a very serious not-a-single-fuck-is-given policy. Based on this policy I stand steadfast next to every single nugget of filth I fling at your computer screen. However, after I saw the post on buzzfeed about Ms Sacco’s general Twatter activity, I have decided that this situation requires a retraction and sincere apology.
The tweets highlighted by the buzzfeed post clearly indicated that Sacco is about as sane as Amanda Bynes after a bong hit. 5150 a bitch STAT! Can you imagine the sheer fear her co-passengers must have experienced on the flight back to London if they knew of this fuckery?? The atmosphere must have been palpable. If you think I am exaggerating, just go read some of the gems buzzfeed was able to salvage from the now deleted Twatter account. My favourites are:
As I sit and eat a bagel with lox, i would like to send love to my jews who are all starving themselves right now. #hungryhungryhebrews
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) October 8, 2011
“Weird German Dude: You’re in first class. It’s 2014. Get some deodorant.” -Inner monologue as I inhale BO. Thank god for pharmaceuticals.
— Justine Sacco (@JustineSacco) December 20, 2013
So since mental illness is a serious matter, I would like to apologise on behalf of all South African to Justine Sacco. You are forgiven as you knew not what you were doing (see what I did there with the Jesus reference, heh heh?). That said, to whoever gives Ms Sacco the help she so clearly needs, I would like to ask that you “remove the cause, but not the symptom” because this shit is GOLD!
Bandwagons and soapboxes are currently operating at maximum capacity as pseudo-activists (aka lesbian hippies who ONLY use Cherokee hair tampons) collectively lose their SHIT on Twatter over some dumb bitch’s tweet (shown above). If you were unaware of this fuckery before reading this shit, I do apologize most profusely (read: I’m not apologizing at all). I am, however, going to need everyone to stow it and calm their worked-up asses the fuck down and this is why:
First of all, this bitch was probably just making a funny. A joke in poor taste (aren’t those the best anyway?)? Perhaps, but still a joke nonetheless. All of you self righteous tricks can’t tell me you’ve never made a fat American, short-dicked Asian or sheep shagging Australian joke. If you can say you’ve never done this, well then fuck, aren’t you just the life of the fucking party! The fact that this “joke”, however, was made at the expense of poor, defenseless, starving and broke-as-fuck Africa seem to make it unacceptable – BITCH PLEASE. Sit your ass down.
Second of all, maybe this wasn’t a joke. Maybe Ms Sacco, like myself, is partial to a bit of African Rock Python and given the high HIV infection rate in sub-Saharan Africa – in addition to the fact that she likes to ride side-saddle (bareback anal) because she’s saving her clam burger for that special someone – she might just be legitimately concerned about her health.
Finally, I’m going to need everyone to calm the fuck down, because the real issue here – irrespective of whether she was kidding or expressing legitimate concern – is how this dumbass got a job in PR. P fucking R?? How the fuck are you going to work in PR and tweet bullshit like that?! I have degrees coming out my butthole and the good sense to make my internet trash anonymous, but I can’t find a job with proper medical aid to save my life! That’s some old bullshit!
Great, now I’m pissed off at that ho! I’m going to tweet some hate at her RIGHT NOW!