One can always expect of IOL to deliver the back end of the trashiest news available in Sub-Saharan Africa. Today is no exception. IOL reports that Competition Commissioner, Shan Ramburuth, has been forced to resign after it was found that he used his work SIM card to look at fuck-bits costing the Competition Commission R120 000 in international roaming charges. I would like to take this opportunity to kindly request everyone to calm their self-righteous asses the fuck down. Calm? OK.
A couple of things are important to note here. If web-design and fried chicken expenses at provincial level reach amounts that defies the sheer fabric of reality, then I can say with almost complete certainty that if Mr Ramburuth was racking up a 120K bill for looking at videos of GloZell playing real-life Hungry-Hungry-Hippo, no one would have had a single fuck to give about it. But because he did what every normal man (or woman) does when in a hotel room after a day of working out of town – bust a nut – he is being made out to be the scum of the earth and unfit for his job. Give me a fucking break.
Secondly, even though I think the Ministry of Whatthefuckever which the Competition Commission reports to need to get the fuck down from their high horse, I still think he should have been fired. However, the reason should not be for “improper use of company resources”, but rather for “being a dumb fuck”. Let’s cut the shit and just admit that ALL of us have looked at a butthole or pussy-lip on a work device, on work bandwidth or in work time. The difference is, anybody with half a braincell would know to either keep that shit to an undetectable minimum, to erase your history or to do whatever needs to be done so you don’t get your thirsty ass caught! Hopefully the acting commissioner will be less of a fucktard.
The only thing that happens to me when I think about South African politics, is that it makes me consider taking up religion again. I imagine only some form of higher power has the capacity to fix the executive level fuckery the Prez and his band of fucktards has wet-queefed all over the nation. At first glance I thought Basic Education Minister, Angie Motshekga, felt the same…but no. Brace yourself, this amount of weapons grade stupidity is not for the faint at heart.
I thought I’ve heard it all when bitches started promoting “pray the gay away” retreats for their cock-hungry sons and poon-starved daughters…once again, no. City Press reports that Holy Mother Angie Motshekga has asked Mpumalanga residents to pray for their children writing matric exams to be delivered from evil spirits. A bit of an odd statement, considering she looks like a concept sketch for The Gogo of Chucky.
That’s right parents. Fuck striking teachers! Fuck poorly managed government funding!! Fuck teachers who can’t even pass the national exam of the subject they teach!!! Fuck all of this, because we now know the real reason all provincial matric pass rates, apart from that of the Western Cape, need as much work as there is needed on Angie Motshekga’s face! Demons! Wyk Satan!! Suka Tokoloshe!!!
Also, Ms Motshekga would be well advised to spend some time engaged in early detection rather than fraternise with the likes of Micah Nthali from the Moral-regeneration movement (what the entire FUCK is a “moral-regeneration movement”??). I know some people get wet in their sex-bits at the sight of a beauty spot, but that shit hanging off her forehead is about as beautiful as a shit-covered prolapse hanging out of a hairy butthole. GURL, you know you are getting photographed, FIX YOUR SHIT!
Yes I haven’t written anything in weeks, but in my defence I have to say that this was due to medical reasons. The medical reasons being that I finally mustered up the courage to watch my pirate copy of Man of Steel, 5 minutes into which I suffered an acute lust blackout when my eyes experienced the glory that is Henry Cavill’s 100% A-grade beef tits wrapped in a luxurious layer of man-fur. Luckily my house-mate knows the drill by now and quickly administered a shot of adrenalin directly into my heart. Coming to you would think that I would avoid any further visuals of aforementioned man-tits, but no. I then finished the entire movie and subsequently slipped into a lust coma. I was rushed to the ICU and put on an Energade drip to replenish the fluids and electrolytes I was haemorrhaging from my pussy-area. I regained consciousness yesterday only to realise that white bitches in South Africa have finally lost their GODDAMN MINDS.
Initially when I heard of the MESS called Red October I immediately assumed that it has got something to do with lady parts spitting out liver bits – come on… Red? October?? As usual, the gutter-dwelling cluster of filth I call my mind was wrong because according to News24 Red October is an initiative by crazy white bitches, under patronage of White Julius Malema – Steve Hofmeyr – to raise awareness about the fact that crazy white bitches are being targeted in violent crimes. Here are some priceless titbits from the News24 article:
Protesters in Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings where they handed over a memorandum demanding an end to what they call a white genocide in South Africa.
Speaking at the Pretoria protest, activist, actor and singer Steve Hofmeyr told the crowd: “They say we’re wrong because everybody is dying. Everybody is a victim. They’re wrong!”
“World Mental Health day, and #RedOctober supporters are calling anyone who doesn’t support their racist cause “libtards”. Keep it classy, SA,” tweeted @DiscordianKitty.
Felicia Mabuza Suttle give me strength! What a good idea. Let’s all march up to the Union Building and hand over a memorandum because we all know that always works. Always. Whenever the trade at Saunaboyz is shit I always march up to the Union Building and hand over a memorandum demanding tighter and fresher sphincter majora. Always! In addition, if the past has taught us anything it is that falling behind a social cause Steve Hofmeyr supports is a very very very good idea. Also, I think I’m going to need that drip again because the sheer irony in that last quote is just too much for me to handle. I just CANT!
Good GOD! If ever a headline made my b-hole pucker uncontrollably, this is it! Make sure you get the latest issue of FinWeek, get their names and #GetPaidHunty! FinWeek did all the leg work and now all we have to do is to a) either make these J. Howard Marshall lookin’ bitches leave their wives for us, or b) find their sons and threaten to leak the dick pics he sent you (they’ve always sent dick pics to someone). GET DEM COOOOOOINS! Also, this kind of reminds me of that tragedy of a TV show called “Boer Soek ‘n Vrou“. This roughly translates to “Farmer Seeks a Wife” and is basically Afrikaans South Africa’s answer to The Bachelor. I’ve only watched about one 10th of the part they show before the intro rolls, so I don’t know much about that shit show, but what I do know is that I’ve VIVIDLY fantasized about some spin-off shows. I will let the gutter water in your brains to the work in lieu of a description…
– Boer soek ‘n ou (Farmer seeks a guy)
– Boer soek ‘n hoer (Farmer seeks a whore)
– Boer soek dit NOU (Farmer wants it NOW)
– Boer soek ‘n knou (Farmer seeks punishment)
– Boer is ‘n vrou (Farmer is a woman)
I would obviously like to be a contestant on all of these spin-offs… *sploosh*
So if you are a thirsty Joburg bitch like me, today was a bitter sweet day. Not only were there chloras in all shapes and sizes to choose from at Soweto Pride today, but there was also a a march to celebrate the thirst in you, ie. SLUTWALK! So why “bitter sweet” you ask? Well, you would have had to make a decision on which is most important to you: Loving on the dick or err… loving on the dick (let’s cut the shit, no lesbians read my blog). This was a tricky one, but I chose Soweto Pride – but only because I wanted to see if I can get a piccie from under the stall of Kaye Ally getting scissored in a shebeen toilet.
For those of you who are somewhat confused, let me break this shit down into easily deepthroatable chunks. Pride is about promoting and celebrating your right to love on the dick, even if you have a dick (and I suppose the same is true for poon, but who knows what the lesbians do?!). The Slutwalk, however, is about promoting and celebrating your right to make a dick hard without having said dick enter your clam-burger / chocolate-starfish uninvited. I call shenanigans though. It is a well recorded fact that most faghags are whores (like the fags they support). Arranging a Slutwalk and a Pride parade on the same day in the same(ish) city is a blatant ploy to divide and conquer! We all know that the hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without them we would just be a bunch of closeted queens denying our true self and lusting after straight boys we can never have! Clever! But I’m on to you, Robert Mugabe!
Chrystal dildos everywhere are shattered on account of the shock announcement yesterday that Johannesburg Pride has been postponed from this Saturday 28 September to later in October. Seriously people? Shock announcement?? Worst case scenario you have some of your lesbros (a lesbo who coincidentally is also your bro) from Rustenburg visiting this weekend and your Kudu-meat-dress is arriving tomorrow just in time for the planned festivities. Big fucking deal! Get on Grindr and tell the gays to come over on Saturday and each bring a bottle of Pinot, get the lesbians to braai the Kudu-dress and Bob’s your uncle…or your daddy…
Acording to Mambaonline the 24th Annual Johannesburg Pride Festival has been moved from the Mary Fitzgerald Square on 28 September to the Sandton precinct on 26th October due to reasons. Some of said reasons are quoted below as it fell out of the talking hole of head-ho, Kaye Ally:
“…the committee decided at a crisis meeting that Mary Fitzgerald Square being a ‘high risk highly exposed’ area would not be suitable to host this year’s 2013 event…”
“Mary Fitzgerald Square had experienced security concerns and had numerous criminal activities associated with them…”
“[She also faced stinging criticism for scheduling the event on the same day as Soweto Pride]…and friction within the LGBTI community about the clash of pride events could have led to [the] attacks.”
OK, so let me get this straight. Joburg Pride and Soweto Pride would have clashed this weekend and therefore resulted in what? A sniper hired by the Soweto Pride Organising Committee with a pink (champagne pink, hellooo, camouflage!) rifle is going to sit in one of the Palm trees and take out queens in their best Sunday-Drag as they sashay into the square?! Bitch please. I think the real issue here is that Boss Bitch Kaye wants to make sure SHE gets the chance to get scissored in a shebeen bathroom this Saturday at Soweto Pride and therefore decided to move Joburg Pride. Yeah, I got your number trick! September or October, either way, does it really matter? If you were wondering, the answer is NO BITCH!
As the reigning Queen of Boerewors and all things classy, 24 September has been dedicated to honouring our Sovereign for all the elegance, style and deliciousness bestowed upon the nation. Nataniëlmas, or more widely known as Braai Day, is the one day of the year when people across the nation prepare themselves for receiving the bounty that is the vision of His Majesty the Queen of Wors. However, before you may accept the divine gift of the purest elegance and style flowing towards you on Nataniël’s velvety voice, you must purge yourself of anything and EVERYTHING that is not worthy of Him. This is why, from an outside perspective, Heritage Day/Braai Day/Nataniëlmas might appear to be something which could be labeled as an “orgy or zef“. Some photographic evidence of what I mean is shown below:
Hmmmm…nothing quite says PURGE THE EVIL FROM MY BODY like an umbrella that looks like it’s been gang-raped, paper plates, or charring the remains of a dead animal over a rusty old rim. It is believed in South African culture that the burning and consumption of this Braai meat is symbolic of the destruction of The Zef. Some even dress up in clothing that make them look like a complete knob, as shown above, to symbolize The Zef leaving their body and making space for the wisdom of the Wors Queen.
I hope all my fellow South Africans had a wonderful Nataniëlmas and find themselves refreshed and free from The Zef for the coming year. May the style and class always be with you!