Etzebeth Cleared To Play Again, But Can He Toyi Toyi?


So if you read my shit regularly (a rhetorical if, of course you do!) then you might recall me mouth-queefing about rugby monolith Eben Etzebeth’s nose, throat and then entire gorgeous 20 meter long hard body getting cleared to play the Wallabies last week after a long battle with a snotty nose.  Well, the Boks won the game against Australia and this weekend they take on the All Blacks. Before you international dial the International Criminal Court from whatever hippy haven you fight world racism from, All Blacks is rugby code for the New Zealand national rugby team.  Now, I’m not going to say too much else on the matter (basically because I know nothing about rugby other than that I want to fuck the players), I’m just going to let the bubbling cauldron of deprived sex-acts you call your brain play another little ball game with the following: See the image of the Aussie player with the Maori tats above? (that’s Aussie player Daniel Conn- BITCH, I knows my naked rugby player pics!) Recall the latent images of Eben Etzebeth from last week? Yes, yes your body is now ready. Take them and consider the following:

Kaptein Kortbroek, from, seem to be of the opinion that in comparison to the hard on-inducing Haka, our rip-off of the Mexican (Hispanic? Cholo?) “Olé-Olé-Olé, we are the champs…“, comes across about as intimidating as a Jurie Els headshot (assuming you are NOT 12 years old of course).  Kaptein suggests that the Boks have the potential to pull off a convincing “South African Haka” which should incorporate gumboot dancing, Zulu war cries and the music from this complete tragedy of a TV ad for Grundfos Pumps featuring Bismarck du Plessis (Warning: You are going to watch this video on repeat for about two hours because it is FUCKING HILARIOUS).

Ok, I’ve set the scene. Now try to get through the game today without going to the bathroom at least five times to release the pressure caused by an image of Eben Etzebeth in gumboots, holding a Zulu spear, toyi-toying to this song and subsequently pouncing (or maybe just falling over?) onto a hot, naked, tatted Maori holding nothing but a golden ball in front of his golden balls…too much? Hey, I’m just trying to help. Let’s face it, anything is better than the mental (and soon to be very real) image of a fleet of giant white men trying on a traditional dance in front of millions. These are the same idiots that visibly mumble their way through the Nkosi Sikeleli part of Nkosi Sikeleli! i.e. OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM! That is the very essence of NO BITCH! Sigh, back to golden balls…




2 Comments on “Etzebeth Cleared To Play Again, But Can He Toyi Toyi?”

  1. I admittedly was too lazy to read the entire text (too tired, pardon me), but I saw Haka and … the picture is hot!! So you get a like anyway.

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