Elysium: Another Oscar Is DEFINITELY Coming Mzansi’s Way!Posted: September 5, 2013
Editorial correction: No it is not. I managed to drag my fat ass to the nearest Ster-Kinekor to experience the latest mess to fall out of Piel Blomkamp’s butthole. The hero of everyone in South African show business (Charlize is très passé) wrote, directed and produced the futuristic sci-fi drama Elysium; which stars Matt Damon (very realistically depicted in the video below) as the only gringo in Los Angeles with a job (so racist) and features Sharlto Copley‘s Natal accent, an auditory experience that will make you want to puncture your own eardrums with your Slush Puppy straw.
This poor attempt at social commentary about how a select group of people control the majority of Earth’s resources while the rest of us have to make do with a shitty Dell laptop running Windows 95 was completely lost on me after they showed a close-up of Matt Damon’s painted-on abs. Has Piel Blomkamp learned nothing from the CG extravaganza that was District Naai? Although I suppose they had to do SOMETHING to mask Damon’s shortcomings as an actor. His acting is usually as multi-dimensional as the flat sheet of kitchen roll I used to give myself a whore’s bath before going out to watch this mess, and his performance in said mess is no exception.
I pity the cinema cleaning lady who had to sweep up after me. Between Copley’s excessive use of the word “boet” and Jodie Foster’s stank face, I was unable to control my gag reflex and a half empty pop-corn box can only handle so much. I did, however, squeal like a Belieber at my first live concert when one of Kruger’s minions called Damon’s character a “poes“. Listen out for it if you decide to watch this mess.