Derek Twatts Turns 25!Posted: September 3, 2013
No, that is not a typo. I know the Twatts is closer to 125 than 25. That was just a ploy to get you to read my trash! (obvee!) Pictured above is a fully paid for image (read: not paid for at all – THANKS, RIGHT-CLICK!) of Derek Twatts signing away the soul of his first-born, second-born, third-born and adopted son to Lucifer in order to maintain his youth. If you are thinking “bitch ain’t lookin youthful from where I’m sitting” then just take into account that black magic can only do so much!
The only word in South African investigative journalism TV shows, Carte Blanche, recently celebrated 25 years of depressing the FUCK out of a nation already suffering from the Sunday demons atop the highest building in Africa. At this point, two important facts need to be highlighted: 1) “The highest building in Africa” is a dumbass and disgustingly grandiose statement to make on account of the fact that structures in the rest of Africa don’t go higher than the standard manufacturer length of a sheet of corrugated iron. The “tallest building in Africa” will therefore obviously be in SOUTH Africa, you conceited whores!. 2) Don’t pretend you are fucking hot shit for being able to host an episode of your shitty show from the top of a 270m high building! We all know that’s the only place in Johannesburg you can have that much recording equipment without getting your ass robbed!
Interestingly, the Twatts has been anchoring this shit since day one, but Ruda Landman gave everyone on set a cup cake and made a beeline for the studio-door in mid-2007. My guess is she got fucked-off with the Twatts calling her “Roo-deh” (“Ruda” said with a heavy Soutie accent). “Roede”, of course, being the proper Afrikaans term for dick. If that is indeed the reason for her departure, then she’s the bitch everyone thinks she is. Who wouldn’t want to be called “dick” by all their colleagues?!
So judging from the paperwork being finalized, it looks like the Twatts will soldier on, without his Roede, to bring despair to all (DSTV paying) South Africans for probably the next 25 years! If you’ve managed to avoid this soul-sucking mess for a while, good on you! If you’d like to be reminded of HOW MUCH Sunday evenings can suck, then just quickly try to remember the show’s theme song…