Boys Are Dumb, All They Think About Is BallsPosted: August 14, 2013
I saw this picture of Bryan Habana making his the-physio-just-accidentally-touched-my-no-place face (all professional male athletes have a version of this face, or at least in my mind they do), clicked on the related article on South African news trash heap IOL and immediately regretted it, much like I do every month when I buy a popular men’s’ magazine thinking the hotness of the cover model will justify the contents (note: Nope. Never has, never will). The title of the article was something about scoring and tries, and I obviously assumed one of the Boks (our South African name for members of the national rugby side, but also Afrikaans slang for a sexually desirable young woman! Coincidence?! I think not!) wanted to “try” some dick and that one of his teammates went out to go “score” him some dick and that this all lead to a big scandal…my my, was I wrong.
Put simply (for sports illiterate ho’s like me) the article was a jock-itch worth of crap about how our national team needs to wear tight as fuck (read: aerodynamic) rugby kit over their hard as fuck bodies (read: form-fitting, read: someone get me a napkin for my seat!), run past a bunch of equally hard as fuck opponents (read: surge) and put the ball on the grass past a specific line (result: they tried). At the same time, when their hot as fuck opponents try to run past them with the ball they need to say NO BITCH and try to stop them. Then they wrestle. This is basically what that whole article came down to. If you are as horny as I am and cannot stop scrolling back up to admire Bryan Habana’s hard-as-fucked-ness.
So not only does this bunch of dudes get paid a ridiculous amount of money to make grown men and women scream like victims in an erotic slasher flick while my friends and I SMS each other about which player combinations we’d cast in a hypothetical ultimate rugby porn mash up (oe, would you like some witsous with your spitbraai?), but some people actually feel the need to write about various “strategies” the boys must adopt in the next game. Bitch please, it takes more fucking strategy to find a pair of pants that match a Bok supporter jersey (forest green and gold!) than it does to play the actual game.
Look at any “article” on a rugby match. It’s basically all the same stupid statement of the obvious, dressed up with some buzz words and fancy adjectives, with a hot-as-fuck action shot of muscles straining and physio-molestation faces gurning to keep our eyes entertained – exactly the same as that men’s magazine I slavishly purchase every fucking month! Or maybe it just looks like that because I know jack shit about sports. I did, however, regain interest in the “article” when I saw the following quote: “He’s such a versatile player and we need to make sure we create opportunities for him, said Loubscher yesterday.” Who the fuck is Loubscher and can he get me this “versatile player’s” number? My disdain for sports journalism aside, I do loves me some rugby boy (read: the lower half of me does the loving, while the upper half looks away in shame). Make sure to watch the boytjies defend us against Argentina in Soweto this Saturday.